Standing over those dirty dishes I thought about the joy I feel in my heart almost every day. When I was in the states and I thought of what life here would be like, I couldn't imagine that joy. It wasn't a part of me yet. I am a happy person. I have a lot of fun. But it is different to live each day with joy. It is something that can't help but also bring with it immense gratitude.
Yes, I do have bad days here. And sad days - yesterday was one. I have frustrations. But underneath it all, I still have joy. Sometimes the joy is covered up more than others. Usually it is floating above and sometimes bursting over the top of my other emotions.
I am in the middle of fundraising to see if I will stay here, or if I will go back to live in the US. Fundraising is a crazy thing. One minute it seems like God certainly will provide for me to stay. The next I am looking for jobs and apartments in the states. It is hard to plan your future when you are not sure what country to plan it in. So I am trying not to make any plans at all, and live as God leads me. Everything will be okay, so it is safe to let go and see what happens. It's also exciting not knowing where God will take me next. I believe this next year is going to be very eventful, no matter what my house looks like or what language the people around me are speaking.
Today a man from K2 - a man I don't know very well at all - sent out an email. He challenged men of K2 to match his donation to help me stay here and serve in Honduras. Within 30 minutes there was already one response. I am hopeful there will be more. I am grateful that people are stepping forward, placing their faith in God and their confidence in me.
Today Lourdes and I were talking about serving and how people have different styles and different expectations of what it means to serve. She said that I don't ask for much. My immediate response was, "I have more than I need!" What could I be asking for? I have people who care about me. Plenty of people to serve. Pretty much everything I need to serve them well. Sometimes I need a ride to the store. That's about it.
She said she was surprised I didn't want my own office. I could probably have my own office if I asked. There is a space where I could set things up as an office. But really, I don't need my own office. I do most of my "office work" together with Lourdes or Jairo in the kitchen. Or I do things, like this blog, which I do consider part of my work, from home at night. I asked for a light bulb for the lamp on my nightstand yesterday. Jairo brought me TWO bulbs this morning - one was clear and one soft light. He wasn't sure which I would like better. There is nothing I need.
When I got in the car this morning Lourdes was reading the newspaper. I said the usual formal good mornings that are expected here. Then asked how everyone was doing. Lourdes said she is very disturbed, upset and sick to her stomach. She said she has been watching the news. Apparently the kidnappers really did not ever ask for ransom. They tortured Alfonzo Villatoro, then killed him. I will not offer details because you don't need the same images stuck in your mind that I have in mine. Psychologists are analyzing what sort of person would do what the captors did, and the message they were trying to send. Sounds like it was the narcos after all, sending a message that they are in control.
I told Lourdes how nervous I was when they had that announcement on tv last night, then relieved that it was just a positive message from the president. She made a really good point. Why is he saying NOW that he will go after the killers? Why didn't he do everything in his power to save Alfredo Villatoro BEFORE he was killed? Tonight is the funeral. I am happy this is the first night in weeks it didn't rain. The crowds of people will not have to wait in the rain.
The breakfast program was nice today. We made pizza. Which means we took the rest of the hot dog buns that were donated, filled them with refried beans and cheese, then closed them up, piled them on top of each other and shoved them in the oven to warm. I ate one. It was good. Some of the kids had three! They liked them.
The girl who was so naughty yesterday was back this morning with a smile and polite greeting. She tried to sit by herself to eat, but Lourdes caught her before she sat down and steered her to a group of kids. She asked to play the game this afternoon. Lourdes talked to her about her behavior yesterday and asked her to apologize to me, which she did. I gladly accepted her apology and she seemed to have a good day with no problems.
We got to give out some new shoes today. The boys were very happy to get them. One of the boys was the same one who was so happy about his haircut last week. It is so beautiful to see the kids literally transforming through the breakfast program. Haircuts and shoes don't seem like a big deal in the states, but here it's like - I can't think of anything to compare because most of our material things are not as life changing.
A group of students from the college next door needs to get a few hours of practicum in for their psychology degrees, so they came over and helped out. They were really nice and the kids liked them, so it will be good to have them around. It was especially good because after having the whole kitchen full of women for the past 2 days, Lourdes and I were alone today. I think the students will be here for a couple of weeks.
Kids Studying!
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After the second group was done, the kids wanted to stay and play. Unfortunately some kids had not cleaned up after themselves, so I asked the kids who were left to please clean up and then they could play. After a few minutes they came running up to me, very excited. I wasn't sure why so I left the dishes in the kitchen and followed them outside. They were proud because of the way they had cleaned everything up! It made me feel good that they knew they could count on me for positive reinforcement. They kept asking "Buen trabajo? Buen Trabajo???" (Good job? Good job???) I said Yes! Great job!! You can all play now. Thank you! (We are working hard on please and thank you.) They played for a while, then I looked out and they were doing homework together. It was so cute I had to get some pictures.
Lourdes said she would like to stay home and rest tomorrow. I am so happy she feels comfortable to do that. The teachers are on strike again tomorrow, so we will have a large group and they will come early. They will also leave early. Walter and I will go shopping for breakfast program groceries afterward. Walter said there is also a meeting that I will attend tomorrow evening at the church. Lourdes and Jairo never mentioned it, but they know I never have any plans, so I'm sure they assumed I would want to go. I didn't really understand what Walter was talking about but what I got was that 25 teachers are coming at 6pm to talk about discipline. I think. Jairo was all excited today. He left today at noon. He said he was going to preach. He had a bounce in his step. He said he will be speaking to students. I'll have to ask him more about it tomorrow.
Tonight I was supposed to be working on some paperwork, but I never got much done. I made brownies, thinking they would be nice to have if we will be at the church for 12 hours tomorrow, but for some reason they turned out like rocks. Not sure how I managed that. I did some deep cleaning, found a small cockroach in my silverware drawer. I also had to sweep around a small gecko. It wouldn't budge, no matter how close I swept. I have to sweep all of the time now. There are these weird ants with wings. They all hatched a few weeks ago and were flying in swarms, then this week they are all losing their wings. I don't know where the ants are going, but the wings are covering my kitchen floor. It's only in the kitchen, thank God.
I hope this country starts to get back to normal tomorrow, now that the funeral is over and the gruesome details are out. The question is, what is normal here? Constant violence and death cannot be the new normal. Not for these beautiful people.
