Questioning

My bank account is going down at a record rate because I have to pay all of my bills now through October. It's never been this low before and I always swore I'd never let it get this low. There is no end in sight. I have to admit I'm stressed.

I know the cost of living will be higher during my time in the US than it is here. Here I live on beans, fruit and homemade soups where I throw everything in the kitchen into a crockpot. I'd like to cancel my trip and just stay here. But I can't. I have to believe that God planned this trip for a reason and it's not to leave me broke.

One good thing is that Impacto Juvenil has officially put me on staff as a volunteer and volunteers get paid $55.31 per month. I appreciate every penny! Just got my second payment. Every bit helps. I also have to fill out a schedule now, which is good because I don't think my boss realized exactly how much I am working.

Today one of my coworkers thanked me for all I do. I told her thank you, casually. She stopped me and said, "No. Really. I want you to listen and hear this. You always offer to help us, all of us. You ask us what we need and you are willing to help in any way that we need you. I am grateful for you and your work." The woman next to her said she agreed. I thanked them very sincerely. I am glad they know they can count on me!

I'm disappointed the swimming class is going to end when I leave. The lady who started it only came one and 1/2 times out of the 8 scheduled classes. We were supposed to have 20 classes but my boss said in two weeks we will celebrate with a cake and end  the class until I return. That swimming class and the pilot project for sexually abused women make me wish I weren't going back to the US right now. Plus my bank account...

It looks like the donor who donated all of the books for one community library may help us with a library in Los Pinos! I sent her video of the kids all reading. Last night she said she will need more information but I am very hopeful. Praying! Last time she sent a HUGE box of awesome books. They were books I never would have chosen, but they were exactly what the kids needed. Thus, she is in library ministry and I am not - Hahaha!

Being in Los Pinos Saturday was great! I had been so worried about Misael looking scrawny, but he is growing and looks healthy. His sister is gorgeous and super healthy too. The most surprising part was Lorenzo, his brothers and cousins. They have all been in tutoring with my coworker and their families are working hard in therapy with our psychologist. For the first time, they have clean clothes and clean bodies.

I told Tania that I am happy to see the way she is taking care of her clothes and her body. Her sandals were new and pretty. She wiped the dirt off them as she played. Her physical boundaries seem to be better too. I asked how she has changed so much and she told me, "Talking with (my coworker who is a psychologist)." She sees the changes too!

But there is still a lot more work to do. About a year ago the psychologist assessed that her younger brother would be best off in a residential treatment program. He was tiny and spending too much time on the streets. He used to be completely wild. But they see great changes in him because of the treatment he has received. Now he is studious and calm. Even his physical features have changed and there is a light is his eyes that was absent before. The change in him has been incredible. It's almost time for him to move back home.

I am afraid that he will regress when he comes back to Los Pinos and is introduced to the same environment. But the therapist has been working hard with his family to teach them how to put structure and limits in place. They said personal hygiene suffered for lack of water, but they worked that out too! I am happy and very pleased to see the huge steps those families have taken. They are still a work in progress, but it is extremely satisfying to know that they are finally receiving the help and support they always needed and deserved.

Working on the community project
in the shop of a man who agreed to donate his time

Clean Lorenzo with his hair cut and combed!

David hard at work. His hands were pure black.

I got lots of hugs

There is a small library in the office
The kids who weren't working were reading

And writing

And reading and writing

♥♥♥

Look at this tall, healthy girl! So beautiful.
And Ana serving the food for the clubs.

Quick Catch Up

Lots of good stuff going on. So much that I have no time to write. I'm working seven days each week and when I get home at night I'm editing photos and writing articles until 10 pm.

On Monday the full-time staff and I went to a local water park for a work retreat. Sometimes I feel a little guilty when I'm included in things like that because the other volunteers and even the part time employees can't go. But they recognize that I work as much as the full time employees and this is one way they can compensate me. I make sure they know that I appreciate it!

In the morning we did team building stuff. Then we swam all afternoon. It was a huge, beautiful place and we had it all to ourselves! Nobody else was there. It rained for a while, but that didn't dampen anyone's spirits. We had a great time!

I was the only person who wore a bathing suit to swim. The other ladies all wore tight shorts. How uncomfortable. But they said they would be more uncomfortable showing their legs. Cultural differences.

I taught three of my coworkers to swim. They were so excited and proud of themselves! The one I call "Star" in this blog didn't want to get out of the pool when it was time to leave. Hahaha! She's usually big for following rules but everyone else was changing their clothes and there is Star, floating on her back with a big smile on her face.

The swimming class for the kids is going well. My boss went last week to observe. She left "enchanted", she said, with what I am doing. She finally understands that I really need another instructor to help out.

Some of the kids are already swimming freestyle and some still haven't mastered the flutter kick. If I help the slower kids, then the more advanced kids are bored. But if I work at the advanced kids' pace, the others are totally lost. With such a large (19 kids) and diverse group, we would all be better off with at least one more instructor.

Out of 8 weeks of class, the lady who was supposed to be in charge has only been there 1 & 1/2 times. I'm not counting on her help at all at this point. But the kids are learning, they are safe, and they are having a great time. That is what's important!

They are finally comfortable in their bathing suits too. That was probably the biggest challenge of all. And they are wearing their swim caps. I need to come up with money to buy them goggles. I told them I couldn't look into googles until they can use their swim caps correctly and they've fulfilled their end of the deal. This pool hurts my eyes more than any other pool I've ever set foot in. It doesn't seem to have too much chlorine because I don't smell chlorine, but for some reason it burns your eyes to the point that you absolutely cannot open them without goggles. I'd like to figure out how to fix the ph of the water because the bottom of the pool is slippery with some sort of slime. But in the meantime, the kids need goggles.

They made me super proud when my boss visited. They counted out loud for our warm up exercises, they waited to get into the water until they had permission, they only went into the areas we are allowed to use, and they all participated for the whole class. I was extra grateful for their good behavior this week!

Last week was the start of construction projects in the communities. On Monday my community began the first round of projects. Everyone was a little cautious because the area where we started has had a lot of deaths lately. Here, if more than one person dies, it is called a "massacre", which in English sounds very dramatic. But Hondurans tend to be dramatic. Anyway, there have been several massacres lately right where we were building three water pilas and one latrine.

I was supposed to get photos of before and after. I knew not to bring my camera, because that would make me a mark in the future if people think I walk around with a camera. I brought my cell phone and everyone was taking pictures, so I didn't stand out anymore than usual. But they wouldn't even let me go to two of the four houses because it was too "ugly" (dangerous). My boss is going to be disappointed, but all of the families and coworkers agreed. My coworkers didn't go down there either. In fact they had a fit that I went to two of the four houses. But I felt safe surrounded by all of the workers.

This is one of the girls in the club.
She was wearing flip flops, so she kicked them off
to haul heavy bags of cement.
Her house is far and down a steep path.

This part is paved, but the rest is not

Heading down the path to two of the homes

It's steep and rocky!

The whole community got involved

Enough procrastinating. Time to get to work on the manual for the group for incest survivors. Soon I'll be hopping on a plane bound for the US for three months. I don't want to go with so many cool things going on here. But I'm making the most of every minute in the meantime and there's a lot to look forward to when I come back.

The Latest

Today is supposed to be my day off, but I've been sitting at my computer all day working on an interview for work. Tomorrow transportation is picking me up at 7:30 a.m. for a special campaign, so I'll have a busy day tomorrow too!

Here are some of the interviews I've done so far:

This is *Eddie. Four days a week Eddie wakes at 4 a.m. He dresses in the dark and heads out before sunrise. He walks down a steep dirt path below his house, passes through the valley floor, and climbs up another mountain to a neighboring community. There Eddie, age 15, has established a business.

It all started five years ago when Eddie was only ten. "I was walking through (the wealthier community), looking for ways to work, and the people talked to me." He noticed they threw away things which could be recycled for money.

"First one lady agreed to set aside her plastic soda bottles. Now many people save their recyclables for me. Some days it's a lot to carry. Especially when they give me car batteries. Those are heavy," Eddie said. "But I always manage."

The people of the neighborhood have come to know and look out for him. "There are two families who always ask how I'm doing," he said. "They want to know that I am still studying."

About five hours later, Eddie climbs back down the mountain and up the other side to his home, carrying his bounty for the day. He stores his recyclables behind the house and prepares for school.

Through recycling, Eddie contributes approximately $10 each week to the household. The additional income is greatly appreciated and necessary.

Eddie is not sure what he career he'll pursue. In ninth grade, he still has time to decide. His family and his mentor at Impacto Juvenil agree that Eddie's entrepreneurial mindset and exceptional work ethic will bring him a successful future!

* Name changed for confidentiality

Since the day her bus broke down on the way home from school, 14 year old *Amy* (name changed for confidentiality) knew she wanted to become a mechanic.

"We were stranded in a dangerous area. I was scared," she recalls.

In that moment Amy received inspiration. "A man on a motorcycle stopped to help. He pulled out his tools and looked over the engine. He explained what was wrong and then he fixed it!"

"My friends think I should choose a career for women. They tell me the job of a mechanic is too masculine. Some say that I am bisexual. But I don't pay attention to them because I want to be a mechanic. I will apply myself and I'll do it."

Amy, who is raised solely by her grandfather since the age of three, receives encouragement at home as well. "My Papi (she calls her grandfather "Dad") says I shouldn't pay attention to those people. He knows I want to be a mechanic and he is very supportive."

This is *Oneida.

Oneida is the mother of five children who range in age from three months to 12 years old. Her oldest is a member of Impacto Juvenil.

Through Impacto Juvenil, Oneida was able to attend the Strong Families program.

"I learned the importance of communication," Oneida said. "My children confide in me now. We talk a lot more. I never realized the importance of communication. When I understand how my kids are feeling, I am more patient and more tolerant as a mother."

"Implementing what I learned in the Strong Families program has made my home a happier place."

Mike, surrounded by his three sisters and his mother (far left). His father was working out of town on this day.

For most people a haircut is not a matter of life and death. However, in some communities of Honduras men risk being beaten or killed for the way they wear their hair.

Fifteen year old *Mike, a member of Impacto Juvenil, recently faced this situation. His mother, *Ana, and her husband realized their son's hair was attracting attention from the wrong people.

“He just wants to look like the other boys his age,” Ana said. “I understand. I wish he could have a haircut he likes.”

Mike's father noticed his son's hairstyle was attracting attention from local gang members about a month ago. The gang in his neighborhood adopted this hairstyle (longer on top, shaved short on the sides) as their identifying feature. They want it to be unique to them.

“If he kept his hair like that, they will grab him. At that point he will either have to join the gang, or he'll be killed. These are the times in which we live,” said the boy's father.

In an effort to keep their son safe, they sent Mike to get a haircut. Twice. Both times he came back with his hair still dangerously long on top. His parents were frustrated.

“Mike's always been obedient. He's never challenged us like this before. It's the first time we've had to deal with this (misbehavior),” Ana said.

Ana and her husband are grateful for training they received through Impacto Juvenil's Strong Families program.

“In Strong Families we learned to work together and never to undermine one another as parents,” Ana said.

Both Ana and her husband accompanied their son for his third trip to the barbershop. Ana felt bad as her son began to cry. He told them he feels self conscious with shorter hair because he believes it makes his ears look too big.

“I think my son is handsome. It hurt to see him cry. I was ready to give in. But my husband stood up and reached for the barber's shears. He was going to shave Mike's head. I knew I had to support my husband.”

They talked to the barber about options that might please Mike, yet still keep him safe. Suddenly Mike became disrespectful, saying the adults didn't know what they were talking about.

“I was shocked and embarrassed. I've never seen Mike behave that way. He is always respectful.”

Mike's hair was cut, but nobody was happy. “My first instinct was to hit him when we got home,” Ana admitted. Instead she went outside and used relaxation techniques she learned in the Strong Families program until she was calm.

“I used to believe hitting was the best way to teach my kids. My husband doesn't believe in physical punishment. We used to get into arguments about it.”

“In Strong Families I learned that physical punishment is not effective or healthy. Now we punish according to the gravity of the behavior and try to reward our kids when they are good.”

Communication and stress management are also skills the family learned in Strong Families classes. She and her husband sat down with Mike. They explained they really didn't want to force Mike to cut his hair, but it was necessary for his well being. Mike was still angry.

The next week a gang member followed Mike and two friends home from school. When Mike told his mother, he was clearly frightened. “Imagine if he still had his hair,” she said. “He understands now why he needed his haircut.”

“Every day when they go to school I pray,” Ana said. “I pray until they get home safe.”

Mike and his mother on laundry day, washing clothes together. “I used to do everything myself. Through Strong Families classes I realized my kids can't learn if I do everything for them. So I taught Mike to wash his own clothes. It gives him a sense of independence and teaches him responsibility. I know most boys his age don't wash their own clothes, but for him it's empowering!”

*Lilly and her son *Alan are graduates of Impacto Juvenil's Strong Families program. Every six weeks they reunite with other graduates in their community to review skills they learned in previous classes and work on new techniques. Last week one topic they reviewed was positive communication.

“You are very special to me,” Alex tells his mother.

“Awwww. Thank you,” Lilly responds with a grin. “You are a wonderful son.”

According to Lilly, Alan is already a master of positive communication. “He makes me feel special every day. He loves to make me laugh.”

* All names changed for confidentiality

So, there's a little taste of what I've been working on lately. My boss is super pleased. They are various lengths to use as Facebook posts and in the newsletter for the organization where I serve. Some will be blurbs. Others full articles.

Plus I've got swimming lessons, photo coverage of every special event, group therapy in Las Minitas, and development of the new pilot program for incest survivors. All good stuff!

Now off to the gym for PT. My ankle's been aching, tingling and swollen since I got stuck in traffic for a half an hour on the way home from church Wednesday night. Then Thursday morning I was in another traffic jam for a half an hour on the way to the office. Working the clutch is still really tough. I'm hoping PT will help, but I could use some prayer. Tomorrow I have to take pictures of a protest march, which means walking a few miles on uneven terrain. I hope it holds up.

Monday Meetings

Every Monday morning the institution where I serve has a time of devotion for all staff. It's really the only time I see the all of people who work on the projects. They make up 4/5th's of the organization, but I only see them in passing.

In our time of devotion we sing Christian songs and sometimes Honduran folk songs, which are fun to learn. Then someone gives a message and we pray together. Finally we share what happened the week before and what is to come.

This week they mentioned that 700 people attended a fund raiser in Chicago for my institution! They raised a lot of money toward building one new office where we could all fit.

They also had a meeting with Chicago city leaders about how to fight the violence in Chicago. Since I lived in Chicago for 15 years, it's close to my heart. It's my favorite big city in the US.

Initially Chicago leaders were adamant that violence in Chicago stems from different causes, so techniques we use in Honduras wouldn't apply. But after a few hours together, they realized that if a tiny organization like us can fight corruption in a government like Honduras, then they could surely handle the city of Chicago.

Between 2013 and 2016 the homicide rate in Chicago tripled, he said. (Other statistics I've read said it doubled.) In the last two years Chicago's homicide rate per population has soared higher than that of Honduras! Most stunning to me was that he said the impunity rate is also approaching that of Honduras, with 80-90% impunity in the worst sections of Chicago. (Honduras is 94-96%.) Wow! Glad I'm not doing social work there anymore. That is sad.

But I digress. Back to the devotional:

Before the devotional began I had a couple of minutes to chat with the leader of my community. She is also becoming one of my closest friends. We are together almost every day through work and we really enjoy working together. For the sake of anonymity, I will call her "Star".

I told Star that yesterday God showed me more clearly what he meant about spending three months "floating on the water". I had told her those words too. She laughed when I explained that it wasn't literal, but that I need to put my time in NY into God's hands and practice "floating" while He takes the lead. We know we should always live like this. That is when God is most powerful. Star and I are expecting big things from this trip!

This week my boss gave the devotional message. It was awesome! I felt like God was talking directly to me.

Her title was "How can we please God?" It was a lot of the same things Pastora Ruth discussed yesterday at church. My boss really got into it and so did the rest of us. At the end everyone clapped, which is unusual.

She talked about pleasing God by sitting in the back seat and letting God take the wheel. She said of all the ways to please God, that is most difficult for her. I poked Star and we both laughed. It is unsettling for me, too. But I'm going with it! Seems like something God is really trying to show me lately.

After the devotional we all separate into our individual projects. Impacto Juvenil is doing community projects right now. I was prepared to jump from community to community, taking photos of work the kids are doing to better their neighborhoods. However, it appears everyone is still getting quotes and figuring out logistics, so my week will be a normal one. Full, but not as crazy as I imagined.

Star and I got the chance to talk to our boss about inconsistency at the swimming class. Our boss immediately said she will take care of it. I love the way she gets things done.

Also, it seems we they may have resolved a problem in one of the communities we serve. The working relationship at that location between the people there and my coworkers (as well as the kids we serve) is strained. For more than six months we've been looking for another meeting place that's safe and still convenient for the kids. We may have found one! That would be a huge blessing.

Lastly, I am super excited to say that the therapist in Los Pinos asked a special favor of me today. He wondered if I would accompany him, Lorenzo, Carlos and Junior on an outing! I said of course!! I was so happy he thought of me! He said he knows how special I am to those boys. He's been looking for a way to reward them for their hard work at school. They have all been studying like crazy and working harder than ever since the meeting with their Mom after Easter. He wants to show them that dedication pays off. Sometime before I visit the US we will all go out together as a reward for their hard work. That will be a great day!

He is also starting a special tutoring project for kids with learning disabilities in Los Pinos based on the needs he sees with Lorenzo. I am so happy to see the kids I fell in love with when I first moved to Honduras get their emotional, psychological, and educational needs met!

Many things have been coming full circle in my life lately. Although I really don't want to leave Honduras for three months, I have peace knowing that the kids will all be in loving and capable hands while I'm gone. I can relax and enjoy my time there. At the same time, with all of these cool projects going on I fully look forward to coming back.

Giving God the Reins (Alt. title: We don't always need all the answers)

God did something super cool today. I've been turning it over in my mind, trying to figure out how to put it on paper (or in this case on the computer) in a way that will make sense to you. It's a little mind boggling and I've been taking cold medicine, so I hope this comes out right.

At church Pastora Ruth talked about things are heavy on my mind. She talked about walking in obedience, being in God's presence and seeking His will.

God showed me a few weeks ago that my trip to New York is a step of obedience. I don't have to understand why, and it doesn't have to make sense logically. If I am being obedient, I will go to New York. (That's a tough one for someone who depends firmly on logic.)

During a time of prayer the Holy Spirit suddenly put an image in my mind. The image was this:

It's the image my friend Jody made for me when I wrote in my blog (5/18/15) about God being my river rafting guide. She gave my words from the blog to an artist. From those words he made this image for me. It's a perfect reminder that I am not in charge. God is steering and guiding and directing everything. Or at least He will if I allow.

Normally when I go to the US, every single day is packed with appointments - things to do and people to see. It's strange that this time I have nothing planned. And stranger still that I am completely at peace with planning nothing.

Every time anyone asks me why I am going to New York, I struggle. I honestly don't know what to say because God hasn't shown me what He has in store for me there. I just know I am supposed to go as a step of obedience and it would be wrong if I didn't go.

I'm praying and thinking a lot about what I am supposed to do once I get to NY. I'm normally ready to head back to Honduras after three weeks in the US. What will I do with three months?

During  my time of prayer/thought, all I can imagine is floating on the river behind the house where I grew up. I don't have any other plans or ideas. Sounds totally crazy, right? But sometimes that is how God shows me things. When I can only picture things one way (like me floating on the river), I know that is what I need to do.

Last night on the telephone my Mom asked, "So what do you think you're going to do for three months in New York?"

I replied, "I really don't know. The only thing God has shown me so far is that I'm supposed to spend my time floating on the water. That's all I know."

Mom asked what I was "going to float on". I told her a friend offered his kayak. And then she changed the topic.

Today at church, when God showed me the image of God as my river rafting guide, everything became more clear.

Now I see what God wants me to do. He wants me to go to NY with an open heart and mind. He wants me to let Him steer the raft. He wants to guide me. He wants me to just float on the river. Not in the literal sense, as I was thinking, but rather by letting Him take the reins. His will, not mine.

What could be better than that?!!

It sure does make it difficult to explain to the rest of the world, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

Wrapping up the week

Had a little scare yesterday. Since Wednesday I've been fighting a cold. Yesterday morning my fingers felt tight and achy. But they've been that way off and on since I got Chikungunya. In the afternoon suddenly my elbows started to ache. Then I went to the bathroom and could barely get back up because my knees hurt so much. Oh no. I know only one thing causes that kind of pain. When I tried to take clothes off the clothesline I couldn't lift my right arm. Soon both shoulders were killing me. The Chikungunya pain was back in full force.

Then I realized it's May. Exactly the 11 month point when others have had flareups that are almost like full blown Chikungunya, only without the itchy rash. The flareup lasts a month or two. I've kept this in the back of my mind since last year.

Last night I took Viusid for dengue. It's like Emergency, only it's supposed to help with Chikungunya. Who knows if it really works. Nothing else does, so it's worth a try. Fany gave me water from 2 cocos. That's supposed to help too. Then I prayed. I almost sent out a public prayer request, asking others to pray that I don't get the Chikungunya symptoms again. But I didn't want to cause unnecessary worry, I figured I'd wait until morning.

I have so much to do. Only in the past few weeks have I been able to do home visits in the communities because of my ankle problem. I can't be sick now.

The good news is this morning the Chikungunya pains are extremely mild. I can feel it in my knees, back and right shoulder. But it is not the debilitating pain I felt last night. I am going to rest today, drink more coco water and Viusid, and hope it goes away, or at least remains manageable.

I've been working extra hard lately, spending all day in the communities and every evening at my computer until about 10 pm. Even Saturdays and Sundays. My coworkers made me take today off because they see how hard I'm working. I sleep so hard at night I don't hear the storms of rainy season, which is unusual for me.

It feels good to have my own responsibilities. I like working in teams, but sometimes it's nice to have my own projects too. Swimming classes are good. I've written three interviews for the donors. My fourth will be a longer one. My boss is really happy with them and says they are exactly what she needed.

I worked on an entry to a photo contest, trying to win a camera for Impacto Juvenil. After a LOT of work, we turned in our entry only to learn that the deadline had been extended another month. Now my boss wants me to turn in an entry for all of the clubs in each community. That's 17 entries! She clearly doesn't understand how much time it takes to teach a kid to take the photo, find a situation that fits the theme of the contest, take a good photo, edit the photos, and fill out the entry form in Spanish and English to convince the judges that it's the best. I will ask her Monday if the leaders of each club can help their kids take the photo. I'll work on the applications.

I've had three meetings with the psychologist who is working with me to develop the pilot program for incest survivors. God is surprising me with how much I am able to contribute. So far we've completed three of the 15 sessions. Most of the content is ideas God gave to me. My coworker says I came to her like an angel. I am creating the content and she puts it on paper. We make a good team.

My insecure side is afraid that I've already used up my good ideas and will have nothing left to offer as we develop the next twelve sessions. But I know God brought all of those ideas to mind so far, so He'll help me continue to contribute. My coworker is bound to have some good ideas too. I think she is just giving me space to be creative right now.

Yesterday as we were working she asked my last name. She got a big grin on her face and said that my name can go first when we publish our work. It will have our first initials and our last name. I guess that's how you do it here. I hadn't thought of the fact that we would have a published program. Pretty cool!

Here are some photos from Strong Families and Group Therapy:

Learning to give and receive hugs in the Strong Families Program

For some it was easier than others

Kids have their time while the parents work on parenting skills

Making cards for parents "I am proud of you because..."

Working together on the final project

Great teamwork!

"The techniques we learned with our parents in Familia Fuerte"

Now the parents' class, which was separate, joins the kids. The second hour is spent together, reinforcing the techniques they learned.

Telling Mom what he loves about her

Hugs after sharing kind words for each other

Snuggle time

This week my group finished group therapy.
In this project they described the techniques they learned to manage their emotions.
I wish we had a few more weeks together. They made a lot of progress.