After the last class was over we had a long talk about what it meant to be commissioned and implement in real life situations all of the things we have learned since November. It was kind of like choosing whether or not we felt ready to graduate. Pastora Ruth promised that she would not judge anyone who did not feel ready to make the commitment.
As she talked about the fact that it is okay if we are not ready, I felt like the Pastora was looking directly at me the whole time. My insecurities tried to tell me, "It's you. She is looking at you. She is saying you are not ready."
At the same time I felt sure that I am ready. Maybe I was taking it too personally. Maybe the pastora wasn't looking at me like I thought she was. This was a critical moment. I could not allow self doubt step in. So I prayed and double checked within myself. I felt sure. Whatever was asked of me as a result of the class, I was ready to fulfill it.
Then Pastora Ruth said that God blesses each of us with one of five gifts. Some of us are blessed with more. But each of us has at least one. She asked if we know our gift. She said it is very important that we each are clear about our personal gift. The five gifts are apostleship, evangelism, pastoring, teaching, and prophesy. If we weren't sure about our personal gift, we were supposed to stop right there.
I guess I am a bad student. Nobody else raised their hand. They all shook their heads. Yes, yes, they know know their gifts. They seemed very certain. Oh no. I was the only one. But I wasn't ready to back down. I guessed my gift was either teaching (which I generally hate doing, but I seem to do a lot) or maybe evangelism (which looking back now is a crazy thought). I figured it was okay since I wasn't completely lost. I had it narrowed down to two of the five. I could figure out what my gift is later. I didn't want to be the only one without a gift!
Also it seemed to be a test of my self confidence. Would I allow my self doubt to take control and keep me from moving forward? Would my own poor self esteem hold me back? NO! Not this time.
Out of the whole class, only four decided to make the commitment (graduate) in the end. I was one. Pastora Ruth came and prayed an individual prayer over each of us. When she came to me the prayer was that I would see my gift clearly. That I would know what gift God blessed me with. Oh no! I thought. She is on to me. She knows that I don't know my gift.
Immediately I started praying, asking God to show me my gift. At first nothing happened. But then I saw the strangest image. It was actually a man, but the man represented me. He was a Catholic priest, dressed in all of his robes, walking down the aisle of a church. He also wore a gold crown. I know the alter boys normally walk before the priest, but in my image of the crowned priest, the boys were following after him. He was leading them.
I tried to push that image away. What a crazy thing! I am not a priest! I am not even close to being a priest. Then my thoughts came full circle. My lack of self confidence. The negative self worth that I have struggled with for years and years did not want me to allow myself to see myself as a "priest" or a pastor. However, for the past six months I have been learning, more and more, not to listen to those negative voices in my head - the voices that tell me that I am not good enough.
Now, I am not crazy. I am not saying that I am a Catholic Priest with a crown. But through that image God began showing me the way that I have been pastoring (that is a real word is Spanish - I don't know how to say it in English) to others. In reality, I have been doing it for years. Since I was a teen I began looking after others, teaching them who they are, showing them how they can do better. I had a reputation as a mother figure in college because I was always looking after my peers, keeping them safe and on the right path. Then I went into social work and began pastoring to families. Later I worked with messed up teens. For years and years I have been attending to people, guarding them, taking care of them, guiding them, leading them, serving them, ministering to them and watching over them. God showed me all of the ways I already am pastoring in the dictionary's definition of the word.
I stepped forward with confidence and a smile and asked to be commissioned to go forward with the knowledge we gained in the Evangelism class. We had a beautiful time of prayer and commissioning. Afterward we had coffee and "pan" (cake).
It was good to know my gift before the official commissioning. God gave me a huge blessing by allowing me to see all of the ways I have already been serving as a pastor, although I was never conscious of it, for half of my lifetime. Even though it is a heavy title, it didn't seem as intimidating when I realized I am already more than capable and have proved that in my actions for years and years.
The term "pastor" itself still seems a little odd when I think of it in reference to myself. I think because, although I am a missionary, I still have not gotten used to all of these "churchy" things. I just barely got used to calling myself a missionary. To think of myself as a person whose gift is to pastor could be very overwhelming.
I am grateful, once again, to be in the competent hands of Pastora Ruth as I learn to consciously fulfill this gift moving forward. Just to be clear, I do not have any desire to be the pastor of a church. That is certainly not me. I am not a preacher and do not have many of the gifts that the leader of a church needs. But I am comfortable with, and excited to learn about my God given gift and the manner He wants me to use it.
