You'd think after five years here, I'd have figured out a way to deal with this dynamic. I haven't. I can sniff it out a little quicker, but I am not sure how to handle it. It still happens to me on a daily basis.
Yesterday the driver from work called. Drivers never, ever call. He asked if I was meeting him at our designated spot. I knew that wasn't really why he called. We always meet at that spot. There was another reason he was calling, but he didn't want to say it.
That's where tactic #1 comes in. I call it 20 Questions. It's where you think of all of the possible things the person might be trying to say, and you say them yourself, to see how they respond. Usually they still won't tell you directly, but you can sense if you are getting warm.
I figured he was running late and asked if he needed more time. I told him my schedule is flexible, trying to give him an out. It was lunch hour so I told him I didn't want him to miss lunch. He was still vague and noncommittal.
After a lot of hemming and hawing, and me playing 20 Questions, finally he asked me to wait at home rather than at the other spot.
Fany and I both thought something was up with security. Why else would he ask me to wait in my house until he came? Maybe there was a reason it wasn't safe for me to wait on the street.
When the driver and security guard showed up the car smelled of fast food and they were shoveling the last bites into their mouth. I still don't understand why he couldn't just say that he needed a few minutes for lunch.
Today a friend called. We had plans for this morning. When the phone rang I said, "Good morning! I was just thinking of you!" She asked what I was thinking. Later I realized that was her way of trying to make ME be the one to cancel. Instead we had an awkward conversation and in the end she said she'd see me soon.
After I got off the phone I thought about it and implemented Tactic #2, Ask a Third Party. I told Fany about the call and asked if she believed my friend was trying to back out of the plans, but didn't want to say so. Fany said yes, it appeared that way. Third party verification is usually the way to go in these situations.
I called the woman back and asked if she wanted to cancel. Her response was, "As you wish." So I said, "No, I want to know what YOU would like to do. It really doesn't matter to me. I am flexible."
Again, hemming and hawing. Finally she said it would be better for her if she could see me tomorrow. I told her that will be fine.
Fany is the same. We are each other's best friend, so I really don't understand why she can't be direct with me. She knows I am direct with her.
Ana and her family go hungry or without medication rather than telling me what they need.
I am not a mind reader. I don't understand why people still do this. It doesn't serve them well.
As other missionaries shared their experiences on the Facebook page I realized I am not the only one who doesn't know what to do in these situations. When people only tell you what they think you want to hear, in the end nobody wins.
Missionaries offered jobs to their neighbors, thinking they were being helpful. The neighbors accepted the job, but had no desire or even intention of working. They just didn't want to say no.
I see that too. People offer to help me with something, but then never show up. Lately, rather than be disappointed or frustrated, I choose to be happily surprised when someone does keep their word. This is part of the reason Gringos get a reputation for being overly fixated on time and commitment. Because yes doesn't really mean yes here. And nobody dares to say no.
Now that I see this whole dynamic, I realize they expect me to never say no too. I still say no. And yes, they are offended, although they will never tell me that directly. I only hear it from third parties.
The people here will never tell you if you've upset them. But everyone else will know. I've learned that if I really want the truth, I have to ask a third party. And yes, I know that is gossip. And I HATE gossip. But gossip can sometimes be the only way to get to the truth.
It's hard to live in a world where people don't say what they mean, or mean what they say. And the craziest part of all is that in their minds, they are doing it out of respect. #cultural differences
