On the day I arrived I walked into my friend's house and found a photo which almost matches the image my friend made of me floating on the river, only of course my raft and I are not in the photo. More confirmation that I'm right where God wants me to be.
Not only do I have a free place to stay, I was also given a bike and a car to use while I'm here. I started out biking every day, despite lots of rain. That was how I first realized how jumpy and anxious, even scared, I am. While riding on dirt roads I traveled as a child, if a car pulled up behind me I feared they would kidnap me. Rationally I knew that was not likely. But the fear was still powerful. Then I started to notice that small things started me and noises made me jump. Twice I turned on the tv, then turn around and walk to the couch. When a woman's voice came from the tv behind me I jumped into the air, and my heart felt like I was having a heart attack. That's not normal. Especially twice in one day.
I am not more stressed out or scared to be here. I think it's because I am quiet and able to let down my guard that these things become more evident.
One day I stopped at a convenience store. It was full of men in military uniforms. In Honduras when there are that many people in military uniforms, something bad is happening or about to happen. I managed to remain calm outwardly, but inside I was extremely anxious being around that many men in military uniforms. At least they weren't carrying huge weapons like they do in Honduras.
Time after time a loud noise startles me and I jump. Then everyone else looks at me like I'm nuts. It happened yesterday at the fair when the man behind me swung the hammer to try to make the bell ring. The day before a man at the gym dropped his weights on the mats. A lady realized how started I was and reminded me that they are allowed to drop their weights like that. I know, but it doesn't startle me any less.
On the other hand, I am blessed to be in a house which felt like home the moment I walked in. There is a beautiful outside patio and huge green fields (which I mow every Saturday morning).
For most of my life I've woken up in the morning and wondered where in the world I am. It always takes me a minute to look around and figure out, okay, they are speaking Spanish. I am in Honduras and I am in my bed.
Here, I wake up in the morning and for the first time since I left my childhood home, I instantly know exactly where I am! I feel safe and secure and at peace, despite all of the outward anxiety. So, I am in the perfect place to process all of this stuff.
I sent out my monthly update explaining that I decided to seek counseling. People were so supportive! I got lots of emails saying they were glad I am taking care of myself.
I started the process before the 4th of July. Today is the big day. Psychologists will review my case and decide if they are able to treat me. I will hear from them sometime today with the answer.
I felt like God was telling me to go big in my prayers for this matter. While I don't believe I am entitled to free things, I believe He is asking me to pray that the counseling will be free. I am also praying that the therapist is Christian.
I saw my physical therapist who moved my ankle all around and told me that structurally my ankle is okay. The tape I was using in Honduras was not the right tape, which is why we did not see the improvement he expected. He is sending me another tape which will align my ankle correctly. Then I can work on strengthening while it is in correct alignment. Meanwhile I am working on balance and range of motion exercises. I overdid it this week and was more sore last night than I've been since February. I had to skip the gym yesterday. But I should be better once I get the right tape. I have another appointment with him next week.
Jetty is loving it here. She isn't used to having such a big house. At first she mostly stayed by my side. Now she is wandering off and exploring. She handled the 14 hour trip here like a pro and seems happy and relaxed. ♥
I am connecting with old friends and developing relationships with a few new people too. It's nice to relive old times with high school friends and also to see be a part of their lives now, with spouses and kids and careers. I never thought I'd be back here, in this place, with these people. But I love it! I came screaming and kicking, but now I know it's exactly where God wants me to be.