Where to start?

Today was a really great day for me.  But it was also a day where the ugliness of living in the deadliest city on earth seemed all too real.  Don't worry.  I did not personally have any near death experiences.

Last night I was invited for dinner with my new landlord.  She and her husband and I stayed up until 11 p.m., getting to know each other better.  The nice thing is, the more I know them, the more I like them.  We have a lot more in common than I imagined.  Carlos likes a lot of outdoor things and Hermida is into health and exercise.  I am hoping to talk Carlos into helping me plant a garden in the spring.  Hermida and I made plans to hang out again on Saturday, but they made it clear that I am always welcome to visit.

Morning came quickly.  I slept well but it was cold!  One of those nights where you put your head under the blankets and you wonder if your feet will ever get warm.

At the Breakfast Program Lourdes and I designated a quilt, which we received as donations, for each child.  They are beautiful quilts.  We had over 100, which is good because today at the Breakfast Program we fed 95 kids.  Tomorrow we will have a Christmas/End of the Year party.  Each child will receive their quilt, a cup and a special meal which Jairo and I shopped for today.

I loved choosing the right quilt for each kid.  The quilts were different sizes and textures.  Jose is always dirty, so he got a darker one.  Lorenzo's quilt was my favorite.  Lourdes chose it, but I couldn't have chosen any better.  It is gorgeous shades of brown with one patch that had a red heart sewn on.  Lorenzo, the boy who can never get enough love, will now sleep with a heart on his blanket.  If his parents don't sell it.  I asked Lourdes if I can write Lorenzo's name on the heart.  Then at least if his parents sell it, everyone will always know the rightful owner.  I am going to tell him that the heart signifies the love that God and all of us at the church have for him.  I'm pretty sure he gets no love, or even any attention at home.

Lourdes corralled the kids into a "reunión" while the rest of us counted the kids and cooked and plated the food.  We ran out of cups and forks.  Since tomorrow is the last day of the Breakfast Program until January, we were trying to use up all of the food.  We were successful.  After all of the kids and cooks were fed, there was not a drop left.

Lourdes, Don Juan and the kids have been working on the garden a lot lately.  We got a big donation of ceramic animals.  Lourdes really enjoys painting them.  Crafts are not my thing, so I haven't been helping much except to tell them how wonderful everything looks.  Right now we have a burro, boats, giraffes, frogs, turtles, and I'm not sure what else, living in the garden.  They painted pine cones and put them in a tree.  As I left they were stringing lights.  We are hoping the animals don't get stolen before everyone has a chance to enjoy them.  They will be very tempting to grab on the way out of the church.

On the way home we tried to get tickets for Lourdes to go to a concert.  This morning she learned that one of her favorite musicians/poets is performing tonight.  It turned out that the tickets were sold out and being sold by scalpers at double the face value, so she didn't get to go.  She said she was fine with that because if God wanted her to be there, He would have made sure she had a ticket.  The concert started at 8 pm, so she figured it was probably wise for her to be at home and not out late at night anyway.

We stopped at a mall to see if the ticket agencies had anything left but they didn't, so we did some window shopping.  Everyone else grabbed some pupusas from the food court for dinner, but I have left overs that need to be eaten tonight so I just got a liquado, which is like a milkshake without the ice cream.  The man at the liquado place asked where I was from.  I told him the United States.  FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY it was explained to me why people are confused when I say I am from the US!  This has been happening since June and I could never figure it out.

Last night when I was talking with Carlos and Hermida, Carlos commented that I have a great accent.  I told him that is very funny to me because when I lived in the US, my friends who only speak English made fun of me when I spoke Spanish.  They said I was saying Spanish words but with an English accent.  I also told Carlos about the times Alexis Pacheco has complimented my accent, but I thought he was joking.  Last night, after talking to Carlos, it finally sunk in that my Spanish  might actually be pretty decent.  This morning I saw Alexis and told him that I had mentioned him in conversation last night.  When he asked why I told him it was about my accent.  He explained that most North Americans are not able to pick up the accent the way I do and that he loves the way I speak.  Then this evening the man at the liquado place said that he expected me to be from a different country within Central America, or possibly South America because my accent is "bien suave" (really soft).  Wow!  What a compliment!  He said if I spend another six months here I will be Latina.  :-)

I am surrounded by people who speak great English, but believe that their English is not very good.  I guess it only makes sense that I would believe my Spanish is not as good as other people think.

While we ate (and I drank my liquado) Jairo told me about Bismar's neighbor being killed last night.  At 8 pm, men broke into a single father's home tied him up in front of his 2 young kids, hung him so if he struggled he would strangle himself, then took gas and set fire to the house.  The man was well liked in the community.  He was never known to bring home any women or do anything but work and care for his kids.  Neighbors cooked for him sometimes, since he was a single father.  In return he would bring them bags of rice or uncooked food to pay them back.  Lourdes and I visited Bismar's house only a few months ago.  To have something like that happen so "close to home" is hard to hear.  No police ever came to the scene.  I asked Jairo why, thinking maybe it had to do with corruption.  Lourdes said that police will not go into that neighborhood.  In Chicago I worked in areas where the police and firemen would not respond.  Now I am doing the same in Honduras.

Jairo also told me that Bismar is really struggling.  Bismar has always been very special to me.  He attends a private Christian school about 3 hours away, which the church pays for with help from sponsors.  His father has been dying of cancer for a while.  The last time I was there he looked very sick, but I had heard he was getting better.  At Thanksgiving Bismar gave thanks for his father being healed.  Apparently that was more hope than reality.  Recently Bismar's uncles came to take his father home with them.  They told Bismar they have natural medicine.  Everyone cried as he left, knowing they would probably not see him alive again. But Bismar has been hiding in denial.  Today Jairo took Bismar to run some errands.  He told Bismar that Bismar needs to get used to the idea that his father will probably die.  He asked Bismar to consider what he will do if his father passes.  Bismar said that he will stay in school.  He understands that in the long run, that is how he can help his family best.  Jairo reminded him that if he drops out he will have no opportunities.  I am praying if/when the time comes, Bismar will stay in school.  I know it will be very difficult for him.

Bismar also shared something with Jairo.  He told Jairo, "I cannot go out on the streets and beg, but our family has no food."  His mother used to sell tortillas.  She is so distraught she is now sick and cannot cook tortillas to sell.  His older sister is fighting with the family and ran away.  Yesterday his older brother and his mother were arguing to the point that his brother almost hit his mother.  Bismar is the youngest.  He doesn't know what to do.  He is watching his family fall apart.

Jairo gave Bismar food from the church and money for some more food.  With Bismar, we know that the money will be used wisely.  I will try to find ways to help Bismar too.  I have never known such an exceptional boy, so completely devoted to God, his studies and his family.

Bismar and me when I gave him "The Places You'll Go"

Lourdes and I talked about how things like this make us look at our own lives and our families and truly thank God for the way we are blessed.  Sure, sometimes things are tough for us.  But when we look at our own lives compared to the burdens that others have to bear, we can't help but thank God and be grateful.

Oh, Lourdes also told me that I need to get a haircut before I go home for Christmas.  I had been hesitant when my hair was falling out.  But that seems to have stopped within the past 10 days.  I told her I agree.  I need to get a haircut because my Mom will have a fit if I go home looking like this.  She said good, because if I had said no she was going to force me to get a haircut anyway.  She has even decided what style would be good for me.  See how well I am cared for here?    :)

Happy Days Are Here Again

As I hoped, this move has given me the change I needed.  I have been without internet, cable and electricity in most outlets.  That gives a person time to reflect.  What I concluded is that I went through some rough times, but in the end I have come out stronger and knowing myself better.  My joy and gratitude are back, as is my smile.  I am happy in the same way I was for the first 6 months I was here.  I don't think this is fleeting.  I will face difficulties again.  But next time I will try not to keep them to myself and fight them alone.  I will reach out sooner for prayer and advice.

Friday night I stayed up late packing in order to be ready for Jairo to help me move Saturday morning.  However, Jairo was sick in bed all day Saturday.  The man who never rests was laid out flat.  So Walter showed up with the van full of older boys.  At first I was wondering how we would fit my stuff in with all of those boys, but everything went really smoothly.  Marvin, a member of the church, used his pick up truck for bigger items.  By 2 p.m. we had everything moved.  Lourdes and my new landlord, Hermida, helped me unpack and organize.  By 5:30 p.m I was all settled in.  As Hermida said, "The house has life."

Hermida took me with her that evening while she got her hair done.  Then we went shopping.  First we got groceries.  Then we attempted to shorten the list of things I needed for my new home.  She drove me all over the city until all of the stores were closed.  Each time I found something I liked, it was so expensive I could not bring myself to pay for it.  In Honduras you can find almost everything you need, but paying for it is another story.  

I came home with one thing.  It is a doorstop that I was going to use for my balcony door.  I chose the last one.  When we got to the cash register to pay, Hermida asked the man if there were any more because she would like to buy one for herself.  There were none.  However, Jett has decided that she likes to climb off the balcony.  She climbs through the balcony railings onto the roof that extends below, where she rolls around until I am sure she is going to slide off.  Therefore I cannot leave the door propped open.  She is so clumsy I am afraid she will fall.  Below is a huge cliff.  So Hermida is going to get the doorstop as a Christmas gift.  At  least I know it is something she will like!

During the drive she pointed out things I should know.  Areas that are dangerous.  Good restaurants.  (She likes sushi!)  Places where you should never stop your car, even if you have a flat tire because it is so dangerous.  She said she hopes we will be able to spend time together and get to know each other.  I hope so too.  I like her a lot so far.

Sunday Hermida invited me to a Christmas dinner for her small group at her house.  She and her husband made a marinated pork and a chicken.  There were lots of side dishes and for dessert we had a special Honduran Christmas dish that is kind of like French Toast only baked in sugar cane juice.  I was stuffed but believe me, I made room for that.  And I don't even like French Toast.  It was delicious!  Afterward we talked for a while and let our food settle.  Then we all played games.  Finally there was coffee and a short bible study related to Christmas.  It was an enjoyable time and I felt very welcome.

Monday Jairo dropped me off at my old apartment.  I spent the morning cleaning.  Then Fany and I took Laura and went shopping for the rest of the things on my list.  I got a bathmat and Christmas lights that were on sale so they were 50 cents.  I did NOT get a shower caddy ($30) or a toothbrush holder ($13) or a pack of 6 plastic hangers for $8 or a laundry basket for $35.  Some of those things were at Sears!  Like I said, I could find everything I needed, but I refuse to pay that much money.

Fany's husband, Santos, brought a sofa bed from his mother's house for me.  Nobody in his family wanted it,  so he delivered me and the sofa sleeper home in the evening.  Now I have a sofa for my living room AND it even matches the curtains!!!!  This house is coming together more quickly than I ever imagined.  Fany also gave me a plant and some traditional Honduran decorations.  She is a good friend.  I will miss her a lot.  Turns out she is moving too.  Friday will be her last day in the front house.  She is moving to another city, closer to Santos' job.

Yesterday I went back my regular schedule.  Preschool class was fun.  We played Duck, Duck, Goose (here it is called Pato, Pato, Ganso) and another game that my helpers taught me.  It was a fun one.  One person is the wolf.  The rest of the kids sing a cute song asking the wolf what he is doing.  The wolf answers silly things like, "I am brushing my teeth." or "I am putting on my shoes." until finally the tension is so high that the wolf yells, "I am coming to eat you!"  Once the wolf announces it is coming to eat them, all of the kids scream and run away.  The one that is caught becomes the wolf.  It was perfect for all ages.  We will play that one again.

Memo gave his rubber boots a break today.
Instead he wore his leather jacket.
(It was in the mid 80's)

Today we all got together as a group and prayed.  Lourdes explained in simple terms that the government is falling apart and we need to pray for leadership and for safety.  Basically Congress is corrupt and has taken all of the power from the Supreme Court.  Police, which were already in short supply since 200 were fired for corruption following the kidnapping of a journalist which I wrote about in May (I think) are in even shorter supply.  They are refusing to work because they are being forced to take lie detector tests.  It remains to be seen if the military will take the side of Congress or the Supreme Court.  This is all linked to the primary election.  The man who was declared the winner is the head of congress.  The man who did not win asked for a recount.  I cannot go into details for my own safety, but basically bribes with money that is obtained illegally, are keeping the corrupt people in office.

Please join us in praying for a swift, safe, and proper resolution to this problem.  This is another reason I am happy to be safely tucked away in the mountains.

We have been feeding over 80 kids every day at the Breakfast Program.  I am doing very well emotionally.  My hair seems to be falling out only a tiny bit more than normal, so I am happy about that.  Every night I can sit on my balcony and watch the sunset.  It is quite a view.  I am at the top of one mountain, with the city down below and the sun sets behind another set of mountains.  I feel very blessed to be in this place, with these people, living this life.

View to the left from the balcony.  The grey dirt where the sun hits is my driveway.

A huge mountain to the right.
See my Christmas lights?

With my feet up, as Jairo predicted, watching the sunset over the mountains.

Going off the Grid

Right now I am waiting at the church for everyone to be ready to go to the store.  I need a shower rod.  That is the last of my necessities until I have money to buy things like a dresser and warmer clothes.

I remember when I was about 22 years old I signed my first lease for an apartment.  I was so scared!  In reality, I was making a lot of money as a waitress in a sports bar.  But back then I had never been responsible for my bills all by myself.  I signed the lease in the morning, bought my own bed, and went to work that afternoon to learn that someone (not I!) had been stealing money.  They fired everyone, including me.

I was devastated.  I had rent to pay.  All I had was my cat and my clothes and a new bed I had paid for on a credit card.  I didn't know anyone very well in Chicago.  I had only lived there a few months.  I called home, crying.  My parents asked how much money I had.  I think I had $5.  They asked if I had any food in the house.  "No, "  I sobbed, " And even if I did I don't have any silverware to eat it with!"  It was quite a pitiful scene.

My family ended up helping me out.  I can always count on them.  Later my mom asked if I had eaten.  I told her not yet.  She asked why.  I told her I needed to buy a shower curtain with my last five dollars.  She was in shock.  She thought that was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard.  I tried to explain that it was hot outside and I had carried everything I owned four blocks and up two flights of stairs all by myself.  I was hot and sweaty and I didn't want food, I wanted a cold shower.  She still gives me a hard time about choosing a shower curtain over food.

Tomorrow I will move into my new house.  It will have a shower curtain and beautiful scenery.  But it will not have electricity.  So after tonight I am going off the grid for a while.  The electric company has been saying for two weeks that they will turn on the power, but so far no luck.  However, Jairo still wants me to move tomorrow and get settled into my new house this weekend.  I will finish packing tonight and stock up on candles.  I'm sure, like my biological family, Lourdes and Jairo will not let me starve.

I am excited to put everything in it's place and sit and relax on the balcony!  Tonight after we buy the shower rod I will finish packing, clean the house, and prepare to start moving out in the morning.  If you don't see any posts from me for a while know that I am doing fine.  I'm relaxing in the mountains by candle light for a while :)

God is listening

My Mom said I sound a lot better when I called her tonight, so must be I really am on the mend.

Today we served  about 79 kids at the Breakfast Program.  Since most of them are out of school now we don't have to rush to get them fed before they have to leave, which is nice!  They get more time to play and enjoy themselves.

Lately the little kids are really into Legos.  The preschoolers LOVE riding plastic Hotwheels sort of things.  They wait in long lines to take turns.  I have been impressed at how much their gross motor skills have improved as I watch them on the "bici" (pronounced bee-see).  Even the youngest kids can ride on their own now that we have insisted that the older siblings stay out of the way.

In this community the older siblings are frequently parentified.  Sometimes the younger kids don't know what do to do when the older siblings are gone.  This makes their time in the preschool difficult.   Some have screamed for weeks, wanting to be with their older siblings.  On the other hand, I have noticed that sometimes the older siblings get in the way when they are trying to be helpful.  They do things FOR the younger brother or sister.  In this case, the younger one never gets a chance to learn - whether it be drawing a circle or riding a bike.  We have clamped down on having the older siblings around and it has been great to watch the young ones grow!  The older ones figure it out and are able to cheer on their siblings, rather than do for them.

After all of the kids left I ate a sandwich I brought from home.  Then Jairo announced we were going out to lunch.  Sometimes he will bring food in, but this was a first so I went even though I had already eaten.  We went to a baleada restaurant.  Baleadas are one of my favorite Honduran specialties.  Most people don't make baleadas at home because it takes a special tortilla that most people can't make.  Jairo told me that Lourdes has tried and tried, but they never turn out right.  A baleada is a soft, chewy, doughy tortilla.  Fillings for baleadas vary a lot, but are most often beans or beans and cheese, or beans, cheese and eggs, or beans cheese and sausage.  The place where we went today had a whole page full of different baleadas.  I got beans, cheese and eggs for 21 Lempiras (about a US dollar).  It was the size of a calzone and so yummy!  It's now bedtime and I am still full.

After baleadas we wandered into a used clothing store.  Jairo got a cool waterproof shell.  In the states I bet it would have cost over $100.  He paid $5.50.  I bought an Ann Taylor blouse, which is exactly what I need.  I have nothing long sleeved that looks nice.  It was the equivalent of $6!  I was so happy with my bargain shopping!

Afterward Lourdes said we were going shopping for me at a mall.  I asked what we were buying.  She said curtains.  HA HA HA!  I am telling you, this woman is a curtain fanatic!  But it is great for me, because now when I spend my first night in my new house in the mountains I will be able to sleep past 5:30 a.m. without the sun waking me up.  We shopped for curtains until I had a headache and Lourdes could barely walk.  Turns out Jairo is a very good curtain shopper.  While Lourdes and I got frustrated over matching lengths and colors, Jairo ended up picking out exactly what I liked.  Lourdes had some creative ideas to help make the room more dark without paying for "black out" curtains.

I have no living room furniture, no table for my tv, no dressers or drawers for bathroom items, but I HAVE CURTAINS.  I have kitchen curtains, living room curtains and bedroom curtains, a shower curtain and a bathmat.  I love them!  They are very nice.  As I got ready to pay Jairo separated them from some other things he was purchasing and said, "The church is paying for these."  I was so surprised!  It was a lot of curtains.  After we left the store he asked, "Are you happy?"  I said yes, I am very happy.  I am excited to move into my new house and hang up my curtains.  (Jairo seems to be checking in with me more since I talked with him a few weeks ago about all of the things that were bothering me.  I appreciate that very much.)

I got Christmas lights to hang off the balcony.  At 50 cents I figured they were a steal and I need to have something Christmas-y in my new place.  I am excited to be all settled in there.  I hope Jetty adjusts well.  I think she will.  She doesn't get easily flustered.

Well, I have to pack and clean the house in hopes that the electricity will be turned on in my new house tomorrow so I can move Saturday.  Just wanted you to know that in general, I am feeling better.  Still have moments of self doubt or interpreting something the wrong way.  But I am able to recognize those moments more quickly and easily now.  I would say I am doing well at my goal of increasing my joy and appreciation.  I am praying a lot for myself and for the situations that are hurting me.  I can tell that God is listening.

On the mend

Today was a better day.  I got a bunch of laundry done before Lourdes and Walter came to pick me up.  That was important because once I move to the mountains my clothes will probably smell musty a lot.  I will live just outside of a rain forest and it is cold this time of year.  That makes it hard to get clothes, especially bedding and towels, dry.  I want everything to be fresh and clean to start with when I move.

Eunice had me write all of the Christmas cards from the Iglesia en Transformación for people in the US.  That was fun.  I never imagined I'd be writing the Christmas card from Honduras to my church in the US, but here I am!

Jairo told me that he and his family stopped and saw my new house last night.  He said it is incredible!  Joss said the way they did the lighting is really cool and they even made a path of plants for me.  I love plants!  The only thing left to do is for electricians from the city to turn on the electricity.  Then my new house will be ready for me to move in.

My new landlord called today to say she would send me the rental agreement.  She seems very excited about me moving in.  Lourdes has already counted all of the windows.  I remember when I was here in 2009  Lourdes was concerned about Walter's house having curtains.  Now she is thinking about my house having curtains.  It is so nice of her to care about these things.  I feel special that Lourdes is thinking about my curtains.  I haven't felt special in too long.

When we first discussed the idea of me moving, I told Jairo that I love the house, but for some reason I couldn't imagine myself there.  Jairo said when he visited last night he saw what a beautiful house it is, but he also took the time to see if he could imagine me there.  He was so excited.  He said he can see me sitting on the balcony.  I told him yes, I would like a hammock for the balcony.  He said he sees me in a chair with my feet kicked up, reading, writing, looking at the amazing view over the mountains,  listening to the birds and watching the squirrels run by.  He said he can see me walking on the paths through the woods.  I trust his opinion.  All of those things are things I will enjoy.

Lourdes is going to let me borrow a table for my tv, so now I'll have a tv, a tv stand, a bed, and maybe a kitchen table if it fits in the living room.  Yes.  The living room.  I have no living room furniture, so we are hoping that somehow we can fit the dining room table into the living room.  I am hoping to find a cheap nightstand soon and a shower curtain even sooner.

I have loved living in the city but at this point I am ready for a new start.  For the past few weeks I have been struggling.  Yesterday and today I finally feel like maybe I am finding happiness again.  Since I opened up to them about the way I was feeling,  Lourdes and Jairo are working hard at supporting me in every way they can.

I've started packing.  I am looking forward to being settled in the new home in the mountains.  Jairo talked to me about the fact that I will have to be patient and prioritize my needs in the new place, but it will all be worth it.  He seems to be as excited as I am.  Jairo says the mountains are his refuge.

The plan is for me to move in on Saturday as long as the electricity is hooked up.  Tomorrow Jairo will look for a car for me.  Signing a lease and maybe buying a car - all in one week.  It's a lot to take on all at once, but I am up for it!


Today I brought all of the makings for the adults' lunch at the church.  We waited until all of the kids were gone and everyone could sit and relax.  Then Marlin helped me make lunch for her family, the Sarmientos, Don Juan, Walter Z., and Eunice.  Even though Marlin did the cooking everyone told me how good it was and that they really liked my cooking.  I appreciated that they acknowledged my efforts, even though it was more Marlin's work.  I know everyone has seen me struggling to fit in with the other women in the kitchen.  Cooking is so different here.  I still have a lot to learn.  I thanked Marlin for her help and made sure I cleaned up all of the mess.  There were leftovers for Marlin to take home.  I happily accepted the praise even though it wasn't fully due to me because honestly, I needed it.

It is amazing how much the kids have helped me through this time.  Their hugs every morning fill me.  Their smiles heal my pain.  Their joy brings me joy.  Thank God for the kids of the Breakfast Program!  I think I am on the mend.

Lourdes' Birthday

Lourdes with her surprise birthday cake

Lourdes and me!

Today we celebrated Lourdes' birthday.  At the Breakfast Program the kids and parents brought her very thoughtful gifts.  The kids came with the beautifully decorated cards for her full of prayer and blessings for Lourdes and her family.  In the afternoon her discipleship group, Don Juan and I surprised Lourdes with a cake.  She loved it!  She said she loves surprises.  I think it was a very special day for Lourdes, full of hugs and love.

In the evening I was invited to join the family for a birthday dinner.  It is also Lourde's son, Aaron's birthday. We enjoyed a nice meal, had a lot of laughs, Aaron chose turtle cheesecake and the servers all sang a very energetic birthday song to Lourdes and Aaron.  It was a wonderful day.

New Phase

It has been weeks since I have written anything.  My Mom has said for years that she can tell how I am doing because when things get me down I don't call her as often.  I guess I don't blog either.

In the case of my blog, I have been given feedback in the past that if I have a bad day I should keep it to myself because people might lose faith in me, or might even think that I am leaving Honduras.

Let me be clear.  I am not leaving Honduras.  God has called me here.  That calling has not wavered at all.  The Breakfast Program is growing in leaps and bounds.  For more than 8 months I have been EXTREMELY happy here.  I know that I can be happy again.  I am just struggling for the moment.

When I worked with teen aged boys in a lock down facility in Utah, sometimes we would get a new boy who was so perfect we would wonder why he was there.  All the staff would wonder what we would see in him when his "Honeymoon period" was over, and he showed his true colors.  For every boy, eventually, the honeymoon would end and we would start to see things they had not shown us before.  At that point we were finally able to work with them, help them, understand them, and treat the problems that put them in a lock down facility.

I think I am in a similar situation.  My honeymoon period here is over.  Little things that I had never noticed before started to bother me.  Then I noticed bigger things.  At that point I reached out to friends, family and my church for prayer.  Eventually it built up to a point where I was really shut down and decided I didn't want to trust anyone or talk to anyone.  I am grateful that quickly I realized that was not healthy and only hurt me more.

Two Mondays ago I sat down with Jairo and explained how I was feeling and why.  He listened earnestly.  He pointed out which things I would have to learn to deal with, giving me ideas of how I can handle them better.  He acknowledged where mistakes had been made by others and even apologized for some of those things.  He assured me that I am wanted and well like here.  He also let me know where my own insecurities were causing me to misinterpret things.  Afterward I felt much better, and with time things have definitely improved.

There have been a few incidents that caused me to slide back into mistrust, but Jairo and Lourdes have lifted me up and supported me through those times.  Thank God for them, and for the friends and family who have been praying for me.

To summarize, I have learned that most missionaries at the six month point begin to struggle.  I am no different.  Things are not so shiny and new anymore.  I don't find joy in the simple things as often as I used to.   Everything doesn't feel like such an amazing adventure.  I have been assured by other missionaries that this is completely normal.  I do not like the new attitude I see in myself and am working to be more grateful and joyful.

This weekend I will move to my new home in the mountains.  I have made a new friend in the past week and shared quality time with old friends.  I think I am at a turning point and things will get better from here.

Several people have quoted Jeremiah 29:11-13 to me.  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  Today while Lourdes, Jairo, Eunice and I were talking in the kitchen, Jairo gave me a hug and told me that I am going to be surprised by the amazing things God has in store for me.  Jairo said God has really BIG things for me.  I just need to wait.  He always has a sense about these things.

So I am holding on.  The honeymoon period is over.  Every day is not perfect anymore.  I can't expect it to be.  I hope that you will support me in prayer and understand that I am human.  I don't like to disappoint people, so this was hard for me to share.  But I fully believe that God DOES have good things in store for me and I will find them if I continue on His path.

Thank you for your understanding and grace.  I hope you will continue to walk with me as this new phase begins and I settle into REAL LIFE in Honduras.  I have been told by a good source that I will be surprised by big and amazing things that God has in store for me.  Can't wait to share them with you!

Sleeping

Today as I climbed into the van Lourdes asked, "How are you feeling?"  I told her I am not sure because I overslept and just woke up.

On the way to the church I clarified with Jairo that I am excited to go for pizza at the Italian place.  He had a big smile and did not seem upset by my behavior yesterday.  (I had worried about it all night last night and prayed about the conversation over and over.)

As I got out of the van I realized I was tired.  In the kitchen everything was prepared.  I sat down, leaned my head against the wall and almost fell asleep.  Jairo came in about an hour later.  It is not normal for me to be sitting there, so he told me that he would take me home.  I asked if he was leaving the church for something.  He said no, but he will take me home.  I reminded him that the conversational English class is today.  He said that is not important.  I should go home and go to bed.

Then one of the students who is most dedicated to the class called and said she is unable to attend.  I took that as a sign and asked Jairo if he could still take me home.  He said sure.  I got home at 11 a.m., put on my pajamas, and slept until 3 p.m.  My fever is gone, I just have some chest congestion and no appetite.  But I am so tired!

Tomorrow will be a long day with my birthday dinner in the evening.  Thursday is going to be VERY long.  We are serving the kids as normal for the Breakfast Program, then having a fancy dinner for Thanksgiving dinner.

Lourdes handed out invitations today.  Josselyn made them.  They are great!  They have pictures of Pat and a turkey.  Unfortunately, we can't afford turkey.  But our Thanksgiving will be special no matter what we eat.

The kids have been told they have to be dressed up.  A three year old boy went home yesterday and told his mother that he needs to wear a dress to the church on Thursday for dinner.  The Mom came in today to clarify.  Lourdes told the kids to dress in their best clothes - dresses for the girls if they have them, but they do not have to go buy a dress.  She had to tell one of the girls to come bathed with her hair combed.

We will set up the room upstairs with table clothes and make the room beautiful.  The kids are going to be amazed.

I hope I feel better for the big days ahead!  I already missed out on two parties.  I want to feel my best for these days to come.  But for now, I will drink some juice and go back to sleep.

Preparing for Thanksgiving

Today on the way to the breakfast program Jairo asked if my birthday is tomorrow or Wednesday.  I told him Wednesday.  He asked if I would like to go out for pizza for my birthday.  Three things went through my head all at once.

1)  Pizza?  I haven't been able to eat since Friday.

2) The last two families I know who ate pizza here got food poisening.

3)  Hot dogs.

Only the women who were in Honduras on my first trip here know why I think of hot dogs when someone mentions pizza in Honduras.  My only personal experience of pizza in Honduras was in 2008 when a team from my church took a group of girls out for pizza at Pizza Hut.  There were vienna sausages in the crust.  I'm not much of a meat eater.  It was very strange.

Jairo could tell that I wasn't jumping at the thought of going out for pizza for my birthday because I am terrible and horrible at keeping my thoughts in my mind.  They always go straight to my face.  Jairo said, "Oh, you don't want pizza."  He seemed disappointed and I didn't know what to do.

I said, "I am thinking of hot dogs."  (And food poisening and the fact that I can't imagine eating any food right now.  I didn't say that.)  Lourdes said she had no recollection of any hot dogs in the crusts at Pizza Hut, but I swear they were there!

Jairo said we are not going to Pizza Hut, we are going to a real Italian place that has the best pizza in the city.  I did my absolute best to convince him that I do really want to go out for pizza (especially at an Italian restaurant!) for my birthday.  I don't think he ever really believed me.  Now I feel horrible.  Obviously they put some thought into this idea and I did not react the way I should have.

At the Breakfast Program Lourdes worked with the kids while I took care of the kitchen.  Marlin was at the dentist so I was alone.  Lourdes is organizing a Thanksgiving dinner for Thursday.  She explained that only the kids who come regularly are invited.  She told kids who were just visiting for the day, or whom we rarely see, that they are welcome to attend the Christmas party if they attend regularly until Christmas.

We came up with a list of 81 kids so far who are invited to our Thanksgiving dinner.  K2, my church in Salt Lake, made a donation to be used in the name of Pat Pike, a memeber of K2 who was very sick.  The kids here spent weeks and weeks praying for his recovery.  Lourdes decided it would be a good idea to give thanks to God for Pat's life.  So we are having a Honduran Thanksgiving for the kids of the breakfast program.  (If anyone else would like to donate to give the kids a Thanksgiving dinner, please contact me at mlfager@hotmail.com.)

I fed 67 kids, cleaned the kitchen, and helped with English homework.  Then headed home.

When I got home a strange surprised awaited me.  Pieces of chocolate chip cookies were all over the floor.  I asked the cat if she ate the cookies, but she didn't answer.  So far she doesn't seem sick.  I have no idea why tiny bits of cookies were in the kitchen and dining room.  She has never eaten "people food" before, and she had a dish full of cat food, so this is odd.  I swept and mopped the floor.  Then I wanted to wash my sheets.  Last night I was still pretty sick.  I had a fever and chills so I wanted to clean my germy, sweaty sheets.  I am hoping tonight will be better.

There was hardly any water left by the time I finished washing.  I had to steal water from Fany's pila, carrying it in buckets and dumping it into my washing machine.  Then I made a bowl of soup and put the last few drips of water inside to let it soak.  So far the soup is sitting well in my stomach.  I should be ready for pizza by Wednesday, if the offer still stands.

Sick :(

Saturday morning I woke up feeling yucky.  At first I thought I was in a bad mood so I went through a mental checklist of why I didn't feel right.  Was I sad?  Angry?  I prayed and thought, but came up empty.

My weekly trip to the supermarket was a few hours later.  As I walked through the store I realized I was sick.  My whole body ached.  I felt exhausted.

I came home and put away the groceries, then walked down to the pulperia.  They are so good to me there.  I stocked up on juice and ginger ale.  They recommended day time and night time meds with strict instructions about how to take them.

I went home and slept, hoping to feel better when I got up.  Sunday there were two parties I was scheduled to attend.  I had to make desert for a Thanksgiving party and a cake for Laura's first birthday.

When I woke up Saturday evening, I started baking.  You know you're sick when you stir three strokes, then are so out of breath you have to stop and put your head between your knees so you don't pass out.  Once everything was baked and stored away safely I went back to bed.

This morning I woke up still feeling sick.  I got up and showered, thinking I might feel better.  But I was still weak and not feeling well, so I checked in with both parties and told them I couldn't attend.  Turns out Laura has the same exact thing I have.  Poor little birthday girl!

I decided to put fresh sheets on the bed, but as I did, my cat started going nuts smelling them.  There was a faint smell of cat urine on the top sheet.  I probably wouldn't have noticed it, but Jetty sure did.  All I can think is that one of the strays sprayed it while it was hanging on the line outside.  That meant another load of laundry needed to be done before I could go back to bed, but I got it done and spent today in bed too.

Can't believe I missed two parties!  But it is now Sunday evening and I think I am feeling better.  At least I didn't have to miss any days at the Breakfast Program and mentally I am feeling good.  Joss has had the same bug for over a week.  Aaron has been sick with it for a week.  Jairo got it Friday.  One of the students from my English class got it Friday as well.  Let me tell you, it was no fun.  I am hoping that my weekend of rest helps me heal more quickly.

We had 83 kids Friday at the Breakfast Program Friday and expect at least as many tomorrow!

Boys' line for hand washing

It's Raining Ants

My ceiling tiles are now duct taped together.  Why would a person need to duct tape their ceiling tiles you ask?  Well, let me tell you...

It all started when I first moved to Honduras.  Ants seem to have seasons here.  Sometimes they are black ants, like we have in the US.  Then there were a few months where tiny ants liked certain parts of my walls.  Yesterday I noticed huge almost translucent ants.  As I came home tonight there was one on the doorstep and I thought, "This must be the season of white ants."  The ants have been annoying, but not a real problem except for the time that the leaf cutter ants had a trail across my front door.  But that is a story for another time.

Earlier tonight I reached for a drink on my nightstand.  Inside were two ants.  As I looked closer I noticed the nightstand was covered with ants.  I pulled it out from the wall and there were ants everywhere.  Some were carrying larvae!  At first I thought I must have left some food somewhere.  I searched for the source.  No ants in the drawers of the nightstand but suddenly there is an ant in my hair.  Then another.  The ants were falling from the ceiling!

I looked up to see ants crawling out from a loose tile.  It was 8:45 pm.  I looked outside and saw that Santos and Fany were at home so I called.  Santos answered, "Hello Mary Lynn."

"Hi Santos.  I have a problem.  Ants are falling from my chest (Oops!  'pecho' = chest, 'techo' = roof) every two seconds!"  I said.

He didn't laugh, but said he would be right over.  He and Fany came quickly.  Meanwhile I had moved the bed from under the "leak" in the roof and was spraying everything in sight with ant spray.  Fany had me keep Laura in the kitchen away from the fumes while she and Santos tried to figure out what was going on.  Santos told me they don't bite.  That didn't make me feel much better.

Santos pulled down the ceiling tile where the ants were crawling out.  I couldn't look.  I was imagining something up there like a bee hive full of ants.  He grabbed my headlamp, climbed up a ladder and looked around but found nothing.  He took the spray and sprayed everything up there.

Then he tried to put the ceiling tile back.  It was broken before he took it off, so it didn't attach tightly.  We had swept three times and mopped once, but ants kept appearing.  He got nails and screws, but nothing worked.  Finally I said, "Paint (pinta), I mean tape (cinta) !!!  He looked at me a little strangely but when I came back with duct tape he got the point.  We taped the heck out of the ceiling.  Fany and I joked that we would tell people it is the new style, to have stripes of duct tape on your ceiling.  Then she said we can paint it all white and nobody will know.

Meanwhile Laura was laughing the whole time.  Laura will turn one year old on Sunday.  She has a gift for laughing the funniest laugh in tense situations.  To me, having ants falling on my bed at 9 pm, was a tense situation.

Santos ultimately determined that the ants were coming in through the roof, falling onto the ceiling, and then crawling through the cracked tile to visit me.  Good luck getting through the duct tape, ants!

I changed my bedding and cleaned the bedroom from top to bottom.  Hopefully I won't have nightmares of translucent ants falling on my head tonight.  It will be a good story to tell Lourdes and Jairo tomorrow.  I'm sure Jairo will get a laugh out of it.  Maybe by then I will laugh be able to laugh about it too.  At this point all I can think of is Thank God for Santos and Fany!

Conversations

Many times when something interesting or new happens, I think to myself "I have to remember to share this in my blog tonight."  Usually I forget.  But here are two things I remember from today:

When I was in the US, people teased me about my Spanish, saying that I spoke Spanish with a strong English accent.  One of the men from the church here always compliments me on my Spanish.  He seems very genuine and always says he loves my accent.  I find that hard to believe, after being teased all those years.  Tonight we had a conversation about it.  He asked how I learned Spanish with such a great accent.  Jose, Karla and I laughed because I always tell people that I learned my Spanish from Karla - the fastest speaker in the world.  When we told Alexis that I got my accent from Karla he said that made sense because we both express ourselves the same way.  We both are expressive and use a lot of emphasis when we speak.

Later, he was telling Lourdes about great my accent.  He said my accent was "bonito" (nice/pretty) but I misheard him and thought he said "unico" (unique).  I laughed and said, "Unique that's one word for it!"

I guess it's not as funny now but it seemed really funny then.

On the way home from the birthday party I rode with Karla and Jose.  Their daughter, Dana Sophia, complained she was hungry.  They asked why she didn't eat at the party since there was a bounty of food.  She said she didn't like any of the food.  (Really she had filled up on chips.)  It was funny, and sad, listening to their conversation.  I was raised being told that I should finish my dinner because there were starving children in China.  Then the next generation was told about starving children in Africa.  In Honduras it is different.

Karla asked Dana if Dana remembered the boy outside the grocery store who was eating cabbage.  Karla explained that the boy was eating leaves of cabbage because he has no food.  Karla asked Dana if Dana believed that the boy likes to eat raw cabbage.  Karla told Dana that she has the opportunity to eat plenty of good food, and if she chooses not to then she cannot complain because there are children at the grocery store who are starving and have no food.

China was abstract to me.  It was hard to comprehend.  I'm sure Africa was intangible to the next generation.  But in Honduras, for Dana Sophia, she sees starving kids when she goes to the grocery store.  Wow.  Life is different here.

Jairo's Birthday!

Tonight we celebrated Jairo's birthday

Joss, Marcella and me

Everything was set up outside

All of the meat was cooked on Jairo's new birthday grill

Jairo with Aaron and Joss

Jairo looks great in Lourdes' glasses.  This may be his new FB profile pic!

Me with Lourdes

Finally, after years of waiting I get to spend this special day in Honduras with Jairo!

Valery got the whole crowd dancing by the end of the night

A day at the mall

Today I had to go shopping to pick up a birthday gift for Jairo.  I had been thinking and thinking about what to get him.  Finally I thought of a great idea.  Jairo loves photos.  He likes to take photos, he likes to look at photos.  He often asks me to take photos of things for him, but until this point he has never used any of the photos he asked me to take.  He uses photos in PowerPoint productions that he makes when he speaks at conferences, etc.  Last week he told me he is using the same photos over and over and they are not recent.

That gave me an idea.  I decided to buy a USB for his birthday.  On the USB I will put any photo that I think he would like as well as all those he asked me to take.

My taxista dropped me off at the mall yesterday at 1:30 and picked me up at 4:30.  I had a fun little outing.  First I wandered into a fancy perfume and make up store.  Even my friends who don't have much are always talking about fancy perfume.  They say they have it at home, but they must save it for special occasions because I've never smelled them wearing it.

I have been thinking about wearing foundation.  Most women here wear full makeup.  I haven't worn anything but eyeshadow in my life and I got over that phase in 9th grade.  The lady at the counter asked if she could help me.  I told her I am trying to find the right color for foundation.  She had me wash my face, then she put three different lotions on me (apparently I am in bad shape).  Then she put on the foundation.  It looked okay, but didn't cover as well as I was expecting so I asked about concealer.  She put concealer under one eye and let me compare with the other.  Well, the eye with no concealer did have darker circles, but the eye with concealer looked grey underneath!  She told me how marvelous the products are and what they will do for my skin.  Then I saw the price.  The foundation was over $80 and concealer was almost $50!  She said I could use something cheaper like Lancome, but you get what you pay for.  When she saw my face, she told me that the three lotions were REALLY expensive.  I can't even imagine.

As the makeup settled in over the day, it did look more natural.  But not $130 worth.  And my face kept getting little itches.  By the time I left the mall I had probably itched off most of the makeup.  I went home and washed my face.  I don't think foundation is for me.

I did find a great deal on a USB, a teddy bear from Laura who will turn one soon, a card for Karla who also has a birthday coming up, and a file folder to keep all of my receipts in for taxes.  I also found chocolate frosting at the grocery store, along with sugar free pudding.  I am going to make Chocolate Eclairs for Jairo's birthday.  I figure that is better for his diabetes than cake.

Got a bunch of laundry done.  Had to do an extra load because a spider or something built a webby nest on my sheet while it was drying.  I washed the sheet again and then a bird pooped on it as it was drying the second time - a big, dark, poop on my pink sheet.  :(   I am really enjoying my new blankets.  I only need a few more long sleeved top and I'll be set for colder weather.  I tried finding some comfy every day shoes at Payless since I can't wear flip flops anymore, but they were $30.  I decided to wait until I get back to the states at Christmas and pick up some cheaper shoes and some slippers for the cold tile floors of my house at Ross or TJ Maxx.

Misael's Birthday!

Today was Misa's birthday.  In Honduras people go out and buy fancy cakes.  Not all as fancy as the one I posted of Josselyn's birthday, but cakes here are purchased, not homemade.  Marlin, Misael's mother, bought a gorgeous cake for her daughter's birthday and brought it to the Breakfast Program for a party.  However, I knew that funds were low in their house this week so I offered to make a cake.  I wasn't even sure she would want a homemade cake, but Marlin was very grateful.  Lourdes asked me to make two just to be sure there was enough to go around.

I searched in 3 stores and couldn't find food coloring so we used Coco Krispies
to write Happy Birthday.

Misael greeted everyone with an extra bright smile.  When we wished him Happy Birthday he responded softly, "Grashias".  He was definitely excited to turn four.

Misael and his mother, my friend Marlin.

Since it was his birthday Misael was allowed some special liberties, like lying on the kitchen floor when the birthday wishes became overwhelming.

And he took some pictures with my camera, which is normally off limits.

Lourdes wasn't there for the first group, so we decided to wait to have the cake until she got there.  By that point we only needed one cake which was good because Marlin took the other one home to celebrate in the evening with her family.

We had a difficult time lighting the candles.  It was a windy day.  But finally they were lit and we sang Happy Birthday in English to him!  In Honduras you always clap when you sing Happy Birthday.

Then he blew out the candles.

 

 

And enjoyed his piece of cake.

Happy Birthday Misael!

A morning of shopping with the ladies!

Today I went with Veronica, my friend from church, and her sister to La Kennedy!!!! We went to a ton of used clothes places.  We were in search of a gift for Misael's birthday tomorrow, long sleeved shirts and heavy, thick blankets for me.  It was fun shopping with the girls :)  I felt safe.  I was carrying a significant amount of money, so I was very conscientious.  Veronica reminded me to carry a little bit of money in each front pocket.

I really enjoyed time out with the girls, shopping and feeling like a normal woman.  I think I will probably go back there again in the future.  Maybe with Lourdes.  It was fun!  I have been getting to know Veronica better lately.  I have always liked her, but never really had the opportunity to spend time with her.  Last week we hung out at the pool together.  This week she suggested that she take me shopping for the blankets.  She is really nice.  She works as a hairdresser and has two daughters, one eight years old and one a year old.

This afternoon I saw Dr Gustavo.  It was a long wait because a lot of people are sick.  Both Yareli and Estephany are not feeling well.  I figured they should go first since they were waiting in the cold.  Dr.  Gustavo said there is absolutely nothing wrong with my blood work.  It is so slightly outside of the normal range that it is not a problem.  I asked if any of the blood work might show why my hair is falling out.  He said no, he believes it is stress.  I believe he is right.  That was a hard one to accept.  I prefer to think of myself as someone who is laid back and relaxed.  But in reality I do have a tendency to be anxious as much as I hate to admit it.

I really do have more peace and happiness here than I have ever had in my life.  But I guess I still need to find more ways to be "tranquila".  Hopefully that will help with my hair loss.  Today Marlin and Clara were looking at my drivers license.  It finally happened.  They said that my hair looks significantly different than it used to.  I've been waiting for someone to say it out loud to me.  It didn't hurt as much as I expected.  I know they were not saying anything to be hurtful. 

Clara got her first chemotherapy today.  She came to the church afterward.  At first she was fine.  Then she got tired and said she felt nauseous.  She returned home after a few hours stating that she did not feel well.

I baked two cakes after I got home this evening.  Tomorrow there are a ton of birthdays at the church.  One is Misael's.  Marlin bought a cake for her daughter a few months ago, but money has been very tight so I offered to help out for her son.  Lourdes suggested it would be best to make 2 cakes in order for there to be enough.  I borrowed a cake pan from Fany and cooked them one at a time in my tiny little oven.  Saturday I will bake another for Jairo.  I'm thinking of making eclairs too since he prefers less sweet deserts.  Next week I'll make a cake for Dana Sophia, the following week I'll make one for myself and Karla.  I am now the church's pastry chef.  I have been searching all over for a trifle bowl so I can change it up a little.

Washed both of my new blankets tonight.  It is so cold!  I am excited to have my new blankets on the bed.  I got two comforters (used) in La Kennedy today for only $13 each.  We searched all over but finally found them just as we had given up.  I also got some used flannel pjs for $1.50 and two long sleeved shirts for $1 each.  They were both name brand shirts that look almost new.  Some people think I'm nuts to buy comforters used, but I think if I wash them and leave them in the sun, any "cooties" they may carry should be gone.  I don't have the money to buy a new comforter.  The ladies from Los Pinos encouraged me to buy two because when I am washing one, I will need the other.  They know best!  In this colder weather it takes a lot longer for things to dry.

I am going to take some time to rest, relax and read before bed.  Buenas Noches!

Honduras is good for my soul

Preschool class was great today!  There were only 10 kids.  We had less kids at the Breakfast Program overall this morning, so the class was smaller.

When I got to the church this morning Marlin was making oatmeal.  She was also cleaning out the shelves.  She told me "I cannot clean these shelves and stir the oatmeal at the same time."  She asked me to stir the oatmeal.  I love it when she designates things like that.  It's such a big change from when she used to be so shy and passive.

In preschool I prepared papers for each child.  We've been working on recognizing letters and
the sounds they make.  I wrote the child's name at the top, then put lines underneath for them to practice writing the first letter of their name.  The three year olds got to trace their letter.  Two of the boys can write their entire names on their own.  Then we talked about things that begin with the same letter as their first name.  Each child drew pictures of the things that start with the same letter.  Their work turned out great, so I asked Lourdes to come into the class to "oooou" and "ahhhhh" over their papers.  She had them applaud the younger kids and praised the older kids for their great work.

Jose wore his pajamas today.

I have new helpers lately.  They are boys.  I like having them help with the class.  They are good with the kids, not too bossy, but still on top of things.  They choose to help with the class over playing fútbol!  Male/female roles can be strictly defined here, so I love that the boys want to help be teachers.  Friday will be our day to play!  We've been working hard this week.  The kids are already planning which toys they want to use on Friday.

After everyone was fed, I talked to Lourdes about getting my blood test results.  She recommended that I call the taxista since I had several errands to run.  I got my blood tests, stopped and picked up a prescription, went to a used clothes store and bought an Eddie Bauer cardigan in perfect shape for 100 lempiras, which equals $5.  I want to go back there and really look through everything for some long sleeved shirts.  When I have my own car... 

Last night I was wishing that houses here had heat.  It was chilly.  It's going to get colder.  When I move to the mountains it will be even colder.  My taxista suggested that I buy a space heater.

The pharmacy near the clinic did not have the medicine I needed.  We had to drive around to find a
different pharmacy so I got to see a part of town I've never been to before.  It is a lot of streets filled with fruit and vegetable stands and used clothing stores on both sides of the road.  I wish I could walk around and shop there.  I asked the taxista the name of this area.  It is called The Kennedy.  I hear the ladies from Los Pinos talk about it all of the time.  It is where they shop and sell their wares if they are business ladies.  When I told the taxista I had never been there before he said that is because it is dangerous.  I asked if it was as dangerous as Los Pinos.  He said a little less dangerous than Los Pinos, but still very dangerous because Los Pinos is very, very dangerous.

I got home early and did a load of wash.  It was a lot of  jeans.  Jeans take a long time to dry.  It started to sprinkle before I was finished washing so I was not hopeful that the jeans would dry.  However, it is now close to bedtime and most of the clothes are close to dry.  I am not used to having to think about so many things - like how will I have clean pants to wear tomorrow.

I am trying to enjoy my last few weeks in my little house in the city.  This has been a wonderful place for me.  I felt at home here from the very first moment I saw the house.  I will miss this place when I move to the mountains.  I will miss Fany, Santos and Laura too.  I really like my home here.  I hope the mountains are as good to me.  It think they will be.

My blood test results were not quite normal.  Tomorrow at 2 pm a doctor from the church will look at them.  I tried to figure out what the results meant by googling things on the internet, but I couldn't make any sense of it.  I don't think they show why my hair is falling out.  At first I was very anxious about having the blood work be abnormal.  I started imagining that I might have to go back to the US for treatment.  You know, thinking of worst case circumstances.  I took a quick nap and woke up with peace.  I am sure that Dr Gustavo will tell me what is wrong, or maybe nothing is wrong at all.  The dermatologist wants to see me in 5 weeks for my hair.  She warned me not to expect any progress for the first month or two.  I do hope I see progress soon.

We are having a birthday party for Jairo on Sunday.  I have to do some errands on Saturday to prepare.  I am going to make his birthday cake.  My taxista already agreed to help me run errands on Saturday.

Tonight I have a strange sense of peace.  Despite the jeans on the line and the fact that it is likely to rain before they dry.  Despite the results of my blood tests, I feel peaceful and grateful to be here.  Life in Honduras is good for my soul.

Blood work in the dark

This morning Lourdes and I walked down into central Los Pinos.  We got a collectivo - a cab that waits until they have a full load all going in the same direction.  Then we headed out so I could get blood work done at a local lab.  I almost couldn't get it.  The credit card machine didn't work and it was really expensive.  We pitched in together and still didn't have enough to pay.  Thankfully, the man let us pay all the money we had and we will pay the rest tomorrow when we go back to get the results.  My hair is falling out by the handful and has been since August 3rd.  I barely have a pony tail left.  When I went to the dermatologist 3 weeks ago she gave me some meds, told me to get blood work and come back in two months.  At this point I am almost hoping that something shows up in the blood work so I can understand why my hair has been falling out for three months.  It's frustrating!

Not only was there no phone line for the credit card machine, there was no light in the lab.  The man pulled a chair up to a window, but then had me sit so that my head shaded my arm where he was about to stick me.  I couldn't look.  He took 3 big tubes with no trouble.  He must be a pro.

We returned in time for preschool class.  There were 17 kids today.  Some were tiny.  Since the older kids have sex ed class on Tuesdays with a psychologist, I had no help.  It was controlled chaos, but we made it.  Two little ones fell out of their chairs.  Drinks were spilled.  The floor was covered with rice.  But the kids identified words that start with A-F, read a book, prayed, and filled their bellies, so I guess it was a good day.

I had to hang around for a while, waiting for the conversational Spanish class I am leading.  I love that class.  Today they made such great progress!  We worked on pronunciation.  So strange to think that it is difficult for people to make sounds that seem so common to us.  "CH" as in "chew", "TH" as in "they", and "Y" as in "Yes" seem to be exceptionally hard.  At the beginning they literally could not make those sounds.  By the end they were perfect.  I told the students that soon they will be speaking just like Gringos.

Lourdes is still feeling very tired.  She said she had a hard time getting out of bed this morning.  She left early today.

Tomorrow I will get the blood tests back and go see Dr Gustavo to see what he has to say.

Jairo has been doing a lot of counseling lately.  He was eager to go home and rest tonight.  He never complains.  But tonight he said that the past two days have been long and difficult for him.

I watched as much of the election results as I could stand while I ate dinner.  Some of the "experts" who were speaking were so ignorant I couldn't stand to watch for very long.  I turned it off long before results were in.

Called my Mom.  Her cousin just got electricity back today.  Mom said many people on the East Coast are still without power.  It's cold there.  This is a long time to go with no power.

My friend Jody bought a new house today in Salt Lake.  I'm excited for her!  Congrats Jody!!

"Thanks God" for Marlin and Don Juan

Today felt good.  I slept well, got the garbage out in time (7 a.m.) and had a relaxing day at the Breakfast Program.

Marlin and I were a team again.  Lourdes is not feeling well.  We have it down to a science now.  Bismar is back from his private school in Olancho.  He comes to the church early every day to help  Today he and Marlin were mixing the pancakes when I arrived.

Marlin and Bismar making panqueques.

Since they had everything under control I tried to keep myself busy with other things.  Unfortunately the only thing I could see to do was clean out the garbage can.  I really didn't want to do it.  It was sticky and grungy.  I knew it would be a dirty job.  Then I started thinking about all that Marlin does every day.  She is never afraid of dirty work.  She is always the first one to take initiative when she sees something that needs to be done, no matter what the job is.  I have to admit, I did take some time to think about it, but soon I got to work on the garbage can.  In the end it was actually easy.  I was glad I did it.

Eunice joked with me that I am becoming a professional dish washer.  She asked if I washed dishes often in the US.  I told her I had a dish washing machine for the majority of my life.  She joked that I am putting in my time now - washing dishes at the Breakfast Program.

I pitch in with the dishes a lot because cooking here is different.  I feel more comfortable washing dishes than cooking Honduran style.  I help with cooking, but I always need instructions.  My friends in the US would tell you I am a good cook.  But in Honduras even the basic fundamentals are different.  For example, in Honduras scrambled eggs are always literally deep fried in oil, but margarine is used to keep pancakes from sticking to the flat top grill.  Salt and sugar are added to almost everything - things you would never imagine.  Therefore, it is best if Marlin does things her way.  She has the magic touch in the kitchen.  Everything she cooks is delicious.  I don't mind at all taking instructions from her.  The good news is, she is finally comfortable telling me what to do.  She used to be uncomfortable giving orders.

Today we fed close to 70 kids.  They were all very well behaved and had a great time.

Afterward I played checkers (with a chess set) with Misael and Maylen.  Marlin is taking classes on Saturdays so she was busy doing homework for her class.  I was happy to keep the kids occupied, although they really do a fine job of entertaining themselves on their own.

I talked with Marlin about going to the used clothing store one day.  Because I am a gringa, I am limited as to what I can do.  Especially in the neighborhood where the church is.  Marlin doesn't quite understand.  She invites me to make tamales at her house but when I talk about the logistics with her, she wants me to meet my cab on a corner where a member of the church was recently shot and killed.  I know Jairo would never let me meet the taxista on that corner.  It's a touchy subject because I don't want her to think that I don't want to visit her, or that I am not comfortable in her neighborhood.  The fact is that it is not very safe in daylight hours.  After dark I cannot be there.

We tried to figure out a way to do some shopping at the used clothing store.  Jairo was in a counseling session, but Don Juan offered to take us under the condition that I wear a baseball cap to cover my hair so I look less gringa.  He was serious.  In the end we decided I shouldn't go unless we clear it with Jairo first.  I don't want Jairo to think that I would go wander around Los Pinos on my own.  But I did believe he would allow me to go with Don Juan.

On the way home from the church I asked Jairo if I could go to the used clothing store on another day.  He said that as long as I am willing to take Don Juan's hand if something bad happens, then I can go.  I told him that is fine with me.  He also got a good laugh over Don Juan insisting on the baseball cap.  He offered to stop at the used clothing store on the way home, but it was late and I knew everyone wanted to go home, so I said thank you but another day would be better.  (I need to get some warmer clothes.  It is getting cold down here!)

Today I learned that Don Juan's siblings all work in the US.  He said he would like to move to the US and could do so legally.  In fact his siblings set up a job for him making good money in the US, but he told them he could not leave the church.  The man who works seven days/week, for 12 hours (or more) each day, turned down a job making more money in the US because he can't leave the church.  I don't know what we would do without him.  Apparently he realizes his value here and that is why he can't leave.

Don Juan is the definition of a "Jack of all trades".  He is a guard, plumber, electrician, coffee maker, grocery shopper, errand runner, head of construction, fixer of all things broken, artist, disciplinarian, and caregiver.  He is no longer the bather of Lorenzo because Lorenzo now takes showers on his own, with some verbal encouragement.  Don Juan knows which kids in the Breakfast Program need new shoes, who has food in their house, whose parents are struggling or absent.  He doesn't even live in the neighborhood, but he somehow knows everything about the kids.  He knows names of kids who show up randomly and how everyone is related.  He is not only Iglesia en Transformación's guard.  He is the church's guardian angel.  That is not an exaggeration.  As they say in Honduras "Thanks God" that Don Juan did not move to the US.

I will be happy to report to Lourdes that we had a fourth day with zero complications despite her absence at the Breakfast Program.  She can stay home whenever she needs to and everything runs smoothly.  It is not the same, but it is still good.

A Day of Rest

In the US I used to spend days alone in my house.  It is my way of re-centering.  I never felt bad about it.  For some reason since I moved here, if I don't get out and do at least one constructive thing outside my home each day, I feel like the day was wasted.  I need to get over that.

Today my one productive thing was to go for a little walk, pay the light bill and search out some local fruit and veggies.  I achieved all of the above.  For the first time I bought things from one of the music makers.  I call the people who walk down the street selling their wares "music makers" because sometimes my street is filled with music.  Today it was one man selling "peliculas" (movies) while another passed by with "aquacate, sandia, mandarina" and something else I can't remember right now.  I bought some avocadoes and mandarines from him.  (I didn't buy watermelon.)

Then he asked if I'm from Spain.  (Nice guy.  When I told him I'm from the US he asked if all of my family is safe from the hurricane.)  The guards at the front of my gated community asked if I'm from Spain, as have several others.  I don't know why.  I have never met a person from Spain in Honduras, but there seem to be plenty of gringos, so to me that would be the obvious assumption.  In May and June people kept asking if I was from Argentina.  Now Spain.

Ahhhh.  It just started to rain.  Now I have a good reason to stay in the house.  But I would prefer to feel like I didn't need a reason.


LATER-
Stopped raining.  Fany came by to say that Santos' car leaked a whole tank of feul onto to driveway, in case I smelled it.  She said she needed to go to the store, but now they have to walk bc of the hole in the gas tank.  I asked if I could go.

We put Laura in a stroller and headed out.  Fany was not thrilled when Santos ran with Laura in her stroller down the hill in the middle of the street.  So funny to me how some Daddies act like children when they have children of their own.  He adores that little girl and will do anything to make her smile.  She did love flying down the hill full speed.

On the way home a woman walking in front of us stepped out into the street to avoid a homeless man who was sitting in the middle of the sidewalk.  It was a one way street and there was no oncoming traffic, so she should have been fine, but right at that moment a man on a motorcycle came up behind her driving the wrong way up the street.  He hit her, pinning her foot between the curb and his tires, knocked her down into the road, and swerved away.  He did stop and come back.  She was crying in pain.

Fany and I felt horrible for the poor lady.  She didn't do anything unwise.  She had one foot barely in the street.  We didn't stick around to see the outcome.  I was glad I have been listening to Jairo and not walking to the store.  He won't mind if I am with Santos and Fany.  Bad things happen so quickly even when you don't do anything wrong.  Anyway, my day was not as uneventful as I originally said.