Letting Go

It's 3:30 a.m.  I haven't been writing because I've had a lot to think about.  Some of it was things I really didn't want to think about, so I was avoiding writing.

I bought a ticket to return to Honduras to live.  When Lourdes told the kids they clapped and cheered.  It was really cool.  I didn't expect them to be so excited.  Everyone from the states keeps asking how long I will be here.  The truth is that I have no idea.  The ticket I bought has a return date of December 20th, so I will go back to the US for Christmas.  I imagine I will come back to Honduras after Christmas, but only God knows for sure.

Part of me feels really excited and so blessed.  Some of me feels anxious.  I don't like to share this sort of things on my blog, but right now I am having trouble letting go - of things, of people, of relationships, of my car, of washing machines and dryers and of medical care that I trust.  Those are the main things.  Oh, and my sofa.  I didn't think it would be this hard.  I've never thought of myself as a materialistic person.  Maybe it's because of so many changes all at once.  Sometimes my mind can't grasp it.  Sometimes my mind can grasp it and it feels overwhelming.  When I get overwhelmed I feel guilty that I am not being appreciative of this amazing opportunity.  I've been praying about it.  Need to get my brain and my heart on the same page.

I remind myself how many people wish they could do what I'm doing.  (Yes, Mom, there are others out there.)  I remind myself how long and hard I worked to be at this point.  I am exactly where I've wanted to be for three years! Usually when I think about those things I feel very blessed.  Except right now, at 3:30 in the morning, when I can't sleep because I keep having dreams about things I don't want to dream about, my face in covered in bug bites and I have rashes on my arms.

I keep getting this strange rash.  It itches so much that it wakes me up at night.  I've tried hydrocortizone.  I've even tried Preparation H.  Anything to stop the itching.  It seems to always happen on the underside of my forearm or the right side of where my neck meets my shoulder.  I'm going to ask the doctor about it when he comes tomorrow.  Everyone here has different opinions ranging from mosquito bites to allergies.

Everything is set now for Lourdes and Jairo to visit SLC.  The whole family is taking a vacation together.  They are so excited, they can hardly think about anything else.  I love seeing them so excited.  It will be great for them to get away from their busy lives and spend time together as a family.  It will also be good for them to be on someone else's turf, where they are not the "go to" people for every problem that comes up.  They really need this vacation.

Misael was sick again today.  Most of the kids have a horrible cough - another reason I wish I were sleeping right now.  Need to keep my body strong against all of those germy kids.  Misael was coughing so hard he was vomiting for about a half an hour.  Once his cough calmed down a little, his mom took him home.  Tomorrow the Dr will be coming, so she might bring him in for that.  Or she might take him to the hospital.  Poor little guy.  We all thought he was getting better.

Lots of good things have been going on.  I've been busy with things other than dreams and rashes.  I'll write about those tomorrow.  Now it's time for some prayer and (hopefully dreamless) sleep.

Good night.

office work

I spent most of the day in Jairo's office, figuring out how to get my cat down here and purchasing the ticket to return here TO LIVE!  It has been interesting to see how the kids interact with me differently, now that I am going to return to be with them on a more permanent basis.  They are surprised and grateful that I want to be here.  Seems like they are opening themselves up to me even more now.

We also arranged for Jairo and his family to visit Salt Lake.  They are really excited.  Lourdes said if I weren't here they wouldn't have been able to make that work, so I am happy I was able to help.

Making cards for Paula

Emil, proud of his work

Girls enjoying themselves

Little ones drawing pictures for Paula

Big boys hard at work





Too many kids to fit in one camera shot
(76 today!)



Nobody knows his name.  He will only tell us "Gordo"



Misael, getting help from Mom, Marlin




Misael's finished product!



Kevelin and Stephanie enjoying the time to draw and relax



We finished our pictures.  Now time for breakfast!



Sending our best to Paula!

I LOST MY EYELASHES!

Today was an awesome day.  When I think about what made it so awesome I think it probably wouldn't be awesome to anyone else.  It was one of my favorite days for all of the simple reasons that I love Honduras.  Now, as I write, I have a perfect, peaceful backdrop of the sound of rain on the palms outside my window to end my perfect day.

In reality, it was a day of highs and lows.  The lows were pretty bad.  I started out by trying to use an eyelash curler while my hands were still moist with lotion.  DO NOT EVER TRY THIS AT HOME, or anywhere for that matter.  Because of the lotion my hand slipped on the eyelash curler and ripped out half of the eyelashes from my left eye.  It looks really funny.  Half of my eyelid is bald!  Of course it was the outside half, where my eyelashes are longest.  I felt so stupid.  I am considering getting fake eyelashes when I go back to the states.  Can you wear fake eyelashes on a bald eye?

My other low of the day was when I finally broke down and washed one of my towels for the first time.  I'll do the math for you.  I have been here two months as of today.  This is the first time I attempted to wash a bath towel.  Maybe that gives you an idea of how difficult I expected it to be.  It was more difficult than I expected, even when I did it the cheaters way!  I soaked it in my sink in powder detergent.  Then I took it outside to rinse it.  The soap would not come out.  On top of that my neighbors were doing yard work 5 feet away, so I was imagining them watching me and thinking that I was an idiot who can't even wash a towel.  I finally admitted to them that I cheat on the rinsing method - it was good to get that off my chest.  You are never supposed to get soap inside the basin of the pila, because it is supposed to always be clean.  Usually the basin holds fresh water from the rain.  Mine is empty because we have running water.  I'm the only one who uses it, so I figure if I get soap suds in there (which you are never supposed to do) that is my own choice.  You are supposed to scrub the clothes along the washboard part and pour clean water over top, but I turn on the faucet and rinse the clothes into the basin.  Yes, I am a lazy gringa.  I rinsed the towel as best I could using the pila to scrub out the suds and also using my cheating method.  There is still soap in it.  Then I hung it to dry.  This story is to be continued because the real tragedy happens later in the day...

Church was great.  First I was sitting with Aaron and Lourdes.  Misael and Meylin came in a little later and crawled over people to give me a hug.  I moved over and sat with their mother, Marlin, when they left for the childrens' classes.  She had a bible that she is borrowing from Lourdes.  The cover is torn off and the pages are all curled, but I could tell in the way she held it and tried to straighten all of the pages that she loves it.  I already have a plan to buy her a new bible.  It will be a special one for her because she only has a second grade education.  Lourdes suggested a bible for adults that is easier to read.  I'll get it in time to give it to her before I leave for the states in June.

After church I thanked Meylin for her prayers for my funding.  I told her that I am very close to being fully funded and I can now make plans to live here.  (She is the little girl who prays really strongly for me every night.)  She broke into tears!  I didn't expect that, so I looked at her mother for help.  Her mother bent down and told Meylin that I was saying thank you, but Meylin knew what I had said.  She was crying out of happiness and gratitude :)  I hugged her and held her for a long time while she sobbed in my arms.  I whispered in her ear that we have a powerful God who listens to her prayers.  Then we took this picture.  In the picture she is still not quite back to her normal smiley face yet, but at least you can finally see these people I talk about so often.

Misael, Me, Meylin, Marlin
I LOVE these people!

As people were hanging out and talking after church I heard Eric Seaman, my landlord's husband, playing "Blackbird" on his guitar.  His daughter was standing next to him singing along.  I was drawn to them and next thing I knew I was standing on the stage with them.  Eric said "Blackbird" is a really fun song to play on the guitar.  He played it again and we sang along.  He played a few more beatles songs.  He sang harmony.  It was fun.  Then we talked about music.  He told me how he learned to play music.  We discovered we both have a passion for the violin.  He wants me to join the church's band, but I haven't played any instruments in so long the only thing I might be able to do is sing.  He and his family are moving to Guatemala in a few weeks.  When they go it will be a big loss to the church in many ways.

Jairo invited me to go for lunch with the Seamans.  There were 15 of us!  We went to a Chinese restaurant.  A man with a big gun strapped around his shoulder stands outside the door.  He opens your car door and greets you, then opens the restaurant door, and returns to his post outside.  I suppose this place does enough business that they have a lot of money at the end of the day.  It is very small, but it was busy and had great food.  Chinese food is very popular here.  If you aren't eating Honduran food, you eat Chinese.

While we were eating dinner the series I saw in the US a few months ago came on the tv in the restaurant.  Jairo pointed it out.  I told him I had seen it before and that the title of the CNN presentation was "Honduras:  The Deadliest Region on Earth".  Eric and Jairo were both surprised to hear that.  They could see, but not hear the show, so I told them it is on line.  They both asked me to send them a link.  It was strange to be sitting there, with them, watching that show.  Eric asked how my family feels about me living here.  I told him it is really, really hard for my mother.  He said he couldn't imagine how she must feel.

It was a beautiful, sunny day.  I joked with Jairo that it was sunny because I didn't have any clothes on the line.  He said it was probably raining in my Colonia and pointed out clouds over the part of the city where I live.  We laughed.  It seems to only rain in my Colonia a LOT.

When I got home I did some laundry and immediately the clouds rolled in.  Oh well.  I am over worrying about rain on my clothes.  They will dry some day.  That was when I washed my towel as well.  (The towel may never dry.  I need a thinner towel.)  My neighbors were doing yard work as I washed the clothes.  And the towel.  Afterward, I went out for a run before the rain came.

When I returned they were still doing yard work.  I wanted to help, but I was intimidated.  I don't know how to do yard work Honduran style, with machetes, and I didn't want to look stupid.  But I also didn't want to look lazy.  Fani cut back all of the trees and plants.  She even dug a dead tree out of the ground and asked which plant I thought should go there.  Her husband Santos was cutting grass.  Then I turned around and he had climbed up the mango tree.  He tossed down ripe mangoes to me.  Standing below that tree, catching ripe mangoes was so cool!  They said last year there was a MONTON (a lot) of mangoes, but this year due to the unusually heavy rains, the mangoes fell off the tree before they were mature.  Our avocados are starting to ripen and lemons too.  I ate a mango tonight Honduran style - peeled it and sucked it all off the seed.  It was so good!

In continuation from the story of my towel, Santos called over as I was bagging up grass and tree branches and told me we have a problem.  I looked over to see my clean towel was covered in pieces of grass.  He felt terrible and said he would wash it, then Fani offered to wash it.  I assured them it was no problem (yeah right!), I would wash it.  We finished all of the yard work together.  Santos took a look at the leaks in my roof while he was up there getting mangoes.  He also checked out the leaks in my sinks.  I was a little embarrassed because my house wasn't as clean as I wished for their first visit.  I had taken laundry off the line this morning before church and didn't have time to put it away.  As we passed through the bedroom I tried to cover the undergarments, which seemed to be everywhere.  Oops!

Fani showed me a grill she is very proud of.  She said we can cook meat on it sometime.  We talked about our families.  It was fun to spend time with them.  Their baby daughter is starting to recognize me and be a lot more comfortable with me.  She reaches for me to hold her, which she never did before.  She is just getting her first tooth.  Fani and Santos both clearly LOVE being parents.  They are close to my age.

I will not be writing any more about the political problems.  I learned today that things are worse than we knew and it is not safe to speak about it at all.  I hope it all comes to a head after I get back to the US, but Jairo is having meetings with people specifically about how to keep me safe.  I know I can also turn to Santos and Fani anytime.  Jairo's brother only lives two blocks away.  Jairo is going to get me internet connection that won't need electricity before he leaves.  I'll be fine.


Time to make dinner and end this perfect day.  Back to the kids at the breakfast program tomorrow!  It feels so different to know now that I will not be leaving them forever.  My whole mindframe has changed over the past couple of days.  Even though I am not completely funded, I am stepping forward in faith.  Tomorrow I will buy a ticket to come back to Honduras after I get rid of the stuff in the storage unit and spend time with my family.  I believe that God wants me here and will provide everything I need.  Besides, I have Meylin's powerful prayers backing me up!  Life is good in Honduras.

I bought a plunger

Gosh, how did this day go by so fast? I did some cleaning.  Chatted with my mom on the computer and waited for the water man to come by.  I missed him on his first round, but caught him on his second. Checked with Fani to learn that we are not getting a washing machine in the near future so washed about 1/3 of my dirty clothes, and went grocery shopping. I called my favorite taxista, Jose. He said he would take me anytime, so we decided I would meet him in an hour. I asked him to wait for me at the store because I am not supposed to ride with strangers, so he did. I tried to hurry, but I still took a whole half hour.  I got lots of fruit and veggies as well as some cleaning supplies. Cereal here is as expensive as it is back in the states. I finally found a box for less than $5. Bought candles in case we end up without lights. Then went to pay for everything and I couldn't understand a word the woman was saying to me. I haven't ever had this problem to this extreme. I felt so stupid. The lady who was bagging my groceries was laughing an embarrassed laugh and the woman behind me had a look of pity.

I figured out on the way home parts of what she had said.  She was asking if she should start ringing me up.  (Well yes, please.  I am not just standing here with my money in my hand for nothing.)  I still don't have a clue what she said at the end.   Fani said she was probably asking me to donate to an education fund, but I think I would have understood the word education.  Who knows.  Just when I was feeling more confident about my Spanish...

My taxista took me home and helped unload the groceries.  He saw I had celery, which I've been craving for a while and told me to make sure to use the leaves to cook with because that is the best part.  Then after 45 minutes of his time, he charged me the equivalent of five dollars.  He is so nice.  I told my neighbor Fani she should use him too.  But she uses my other favorite guy, Alfonzo.  He has a renegade cab, with no number on it, but everyone knows him.  He says because he doesn't have to pay all of the cab fees he can charge less, but really my good buddy Jose charges even less than Alfonzo.  Alfonzo is just a good sales man.  He should work at a car dealership or something.

Had to get some minutes for my phone and today is triple so I walked down to the pulperia.  There were fresh tortillas there, still in the bowl from the lady who made them so I bought some real tortillas instead of the plastic wrapped store ones like we get in the states.  I saw a new kind of conservas, my favorite candy, so I got two of those, then asked to use the rest of my money for minutes on my phone.  He looked at me blankly, like he did once before when they were out of minutes, so I asked if they were out of minutes.  He said yes.  I said no more at all, because they come in all kinds of increments.  He said none.  So I walked down the street to the other pulperia.

I prefer not to use the second one because usually there are a bunch of men hanging out on the corner.  They have never hassled me, but I still would rather avoid them.  Today there was nobody.  The other reason I don't like getting minutes from this pulperia is that you don't really buy the minutes at the pulperia, you buy the minutes throught the gated door of the man who lives in the same building.  So you have to stand and look into their living room while you ask for the minutes.  To me, it's a little odd.  Anyway, I got my minutes and gobbled down one of the conservas.  It was similar to maple sugar candy, but not mapley.  I decided I would like more, and if I waited until tomorrow they wouldn't be as fresh as if I bought them now and kept them wrapped  up tight, right?  So I went back to the first pulperia, picked out an avocado because I couldn't let him know I came back just for more candy, and got two more conservas.  At that moment I promised myself I would run today.  And tomorrow.

Last night the neighbors on both sides had parties. One side played awesome music and sang. I bet they were probably dancing too. The other side was quiet earlier, but got loud around 11pm and woke me up at 4 am screaming ugly things. I closed my windows and went back to sleep.  At least this is not a regular occurance.

It was supposed to rain, but so far it's sunny. I'm going out for a quick run before it gets dark, then a big dinner and maybe some movies tonight. Walter didn't lead the jovenes this week, so I didn't get to help with them. But this week as I write I feel much more hopeful and at peace with the idea that I will be living here for a long time and will have plenty of time to work with those kids.  Yesterday I started thinking of things as more long term.  Bought some more cups for the house, instead of living with the bare minimum.  I even bought myself a plunger today. Now THAT is a sign of commitment - when you invest in a plunger for your house.

No lice. So far...

Walter came by to get me this morning so the Lourdes and Jairo could get a later start.  They have a big meeting tonight about marriage and will be at the church until about 10 pm.  Usually I attend these meetings, but I chose not to tonight.  Still, I had a pretty long day.

At the church Marlin had everything ready when I got there.  I went outside and played with the kids.  Her son, Misael, hopped on my lap and soon a few other kids gathered around.  One was Meylin, Marlin's daughter.  She was sitting by my feet and leaning into my lap.  She reached up and rubbed my belly, then said, "Que flaca!" (How skinny!) in a disgusted and surprised way.  I didn't know what to say because people here think much differently about size and weight than in the US.  Here people with a belly often are called "Gordo" which means fat.  It is never meant to be rude or hurtful.  I know 2 people who are well respected and have the nickname "Gordo".  It is simply different here.  We all started comparing tummies.  Misael stuck his hands under his shirt and pushed his shirt out so it appeared that he had a big belly.  We all laughed and said he is Gordo.  Then I told Meylin she is not Gorda or Flaca, she is perfect.  I try to tell her she is beautiful as often as possible because her hair does not grow in right.  It is very coarse and sparse.  As for now, she seems to be very comfortable with herself.

The kids continued to climb on me as their mother came over and sat with us.  She checked through Meylin's hair and pulled something out, then checked Misael and found something in his hair too.  She turned to me and said that last night she found (a word I didn't understand) in Meylin's hair.  I assume they both have lice.  Most of the kids in Los Pinos have lice.  Most of their houses have dirt floors so it is impossible to get rid of the lice.  I used to purposely wear my hair up for that reason, but that habit disappeared somehow.  However, for the rest of  today I kept my hair up and braided.  Misael spent most of Tuesday with his head on my shoulder, sound asleep.  I wonder how you get lice out of sheets if you don't have a washer or dryer.  I may find out.

Lourdes arrived for the second group of kids.  Lourdes has been feeling great this week!  I asked about Leonor, who was in a car accident last night.  Leonor is fine, but she spent much of the night in jail!  By the time Jairo got to her, there were already 10 church members at the site of the accident.  Leonor had been turning left onto her street when a motorcycle passed on the left.  That is how the accident happened.  Even though he was driving carelessly, the law is on his side and she will have to pay all of the costs of the accident.  She is fine.  She only has a dent in her car.  Lourdes, Jairo and the kids waited for her to get out of jail until 1 a.m.  Her husband is out of the country, so he is beside himself with worry, but the family is surrounded by many, many church members.  Today everyone is happy that nobody died.  The motorcyclist hurt his arm.  He is a neighbor, and was calm about the whole thing, so everything is okay in the end.

I told Jairo about the emails I sent yesterday for fundraising.  I was excited to tell him I only need $400!  He gave me a hug and said calmly, "You will have more than that."  So far he has never been wrong!

We fed the second  group of kids, cleaned up the church and then I spent two hours talking with Jairo.  Conversations with Lourdes and Jairo (and also Marlin) are special blessings.  He started by telling me that he got some important information he wanted to share with me.  I can't write about the details here, because this is open to the public, but he has information about political things that are happening.  He said you can smell and feel the danger in the air.  (I cannot smell or feel the danger.)

I told him I will prepare by stocking my home with extra water and food that doesn't need electricity to cook.  He reminded me to have candles (which I have, but need more) and matches.  He said I will be fine at my house and if not, he will move me to his home.  He emphasized that he knows how to move about in this city.  I assured him that I will not be moving anywhere without him.  I asked him if I should stop jogging.  He suggested a different route, avoiding the park, but said I can still run.  He asked me to tell my church in the states that nobody is allowed to visit now.  He said he can keep me safe, but he does not want anyone else here.

Then we talked about dreams, the holy spirit, speaking in tongues, relationships and surrendering our lives to God.  During our conversation Jairo received a call that he will be meeting with the President next week.  He is choosing to bring Walter and Ethel, the leader of the church elders, with him.  Two hours passed quickly and we both were shocked that it was already 3 pm and we were just finishing lunch.

When I found Lourdes she was trying to catch up on the over 400 emails she has unopened in her Inbox.  We read over some of them, then she asked me to write a story describing Bismar to raise money for his education at the private Christian school.  I can do it this weekend.

Before we knew it, another hour had passed and she needed to make food for the meeting tonight.  Jairo asked Lourdes to make her special rice tonight.  I've watched them make it so I was able to do everything except the portioning.  I felt proud.  Once the rice was cooking we sat down and ate baguettes and mantequilla.  Yumm!  I headed home after a full week with a full belly.  No, I am not too flaca!  I am happy and healthy :)

Tonight I will relax, read some more of my book and enjoy the sound of light rain falling outside.  It sounds so sweet when it's falling gently on the palms of the platano tree.  Happy Friday folks!

Three weeks from tonight...

I got ready early today, then waited and waited to go to the church.  Now that I know my patience is appreciated it actually feels good to wait patiently.  I really needed that time to pray and think, so it was perfect.  Lately it appears that doors are closing in the US at the same time more doors are opening in Honduras, so I am praying and praying for funding!

Today was eggs, beans, tortillas and cheese day at the breakfast program, which is my favorite.  But I didn't get to enjoy it as much as usual because we almost ran out of food!  We served 32 in the first group, then 22 in the second group, but 10 of them came really late so we had already portioned out the food in big portions to the others.  We had 3 plates left, and we ended up spreading that into 10 somehow.  I don't think anyone knew the difference.  Phew!

Afterward Joss, Walter and I ran errands.  I needed to get some cash and Joss needed school supplies.  She is so awesome.  She had exams all week.  She talks about having to study all night with a huge smile on her face!  It is really cool to see how much she enjoys college.

Jairo was busy preparing for a marriage group tomorrow night, so Lourdes and I sat and talked for a long time.  We both had other things we should have been working on, but it was nice to spend that time talking.  All day I've been thinking about the fact that three weeks from today I will be on a plane, headed back to the states.  I still have not raised enough money to live here permanently, but I think I'm close.

Guillermo Jimenez joined us for a while.  He is a really fun and funny man.  The first time I met him I was having dinner at his house.  He cracked a joke and I cracked one back without thinking about what was coming out of my mouth.  As soon as I said it I was scared that I had been disrespectful.  However, he laughed and now he jokes with me all of the time.  I love it when really important people are so approachable and funny.  He gave me a big hug and asked if everyone was treating me well.  He said he knows most people won't come out and ask that, but he wants to know the truth.  I told him everyone treats me very well!  Then he asked if I am happy.  When I said yes, he asked if I am REALLY happy.  I told him truthfully, that yes I am really happy here.

When Jairo finally came down from his office, he said he had been handling an emergency.  Leonor, my landlord, was driving when a motorcycle pulled in front of her and she hit it!  The driver was thrown from his motorcycle.  Leonor's husband is out of town so she called Jairo.  He called several people who live nearby and they all went to help Leonor.  An ambulance was on the way for the motorcycle driver.  Leonor was fine.  I'm not sure about the car.  I was hoping to buy that car if I am able to live here full time.

Today I feel very grateful to be here.  I am wondering what God has in store for me in three weeks.  Will I be on the plane with only enough clothes for a visit?  Or will I be moving back to the US?  Right now I have a hard time considering the idea of moving back to the states.  I feel so strongly called to be here, I can't imagine being anywhere else.  It will break my heart if I have to move back to the US.

Please, please help if you can.  I need about $400 in monthly donations.  Anything you can give will help!

This is the link where you can make tax deductible donations:

https://worldoutreach.org/index.php?option=com_wrapper&view=wrapper&Itemid=117
Just click on my name.  (Fager, Mary Lynn)

Seriously Disturbed and Gloriously Ruined

Misael is still sick.  Marlin, his mom, is worried because she saw in the news that there is an outbreak of Hepatitis in Los Pinos, the community we serve and where she lives.  Meylin, her daughter, got her report card today and all of her grades were superb, nothing below a 90.  Meylin works hard for her grades so we make sure to give her a lot of praise.  She is the child who hopes to be a pastor when she grows up, and I believe she will.  She is only in first grade right now, but she is certainly capable.  (She just came into the office as I was writing this and looked over my shoulder.  They know I post photos of them, so I told her that I was writing about her good grades.  She got a big smile.)

Meylin!  (doing homework at the church)

Yesterday I was talking a lot with Marlin and Lourdes about relationships and life.  It is cool that we have developed such a nice friendship.  Marlin was the first person at the breakfast program who introduced herself to me and pointed out her children.  Now she is a very special friend.  She told me that Meylin prays for my funding every night, without fail.  Marlin has had a difficult life, almost dying from Lupus, so she is very humble and grateful for everything.  Maybe she has always been that way, I don't know.  I know that today I was very grateful for her friendship, hugs and words of advice.

Once again I had clothes on the line and the rainclouds were rolling in as we headed home.  When we pulled past the guards in my Colonia it started with the big drops.  Then a truck was blocking the road and the rain started coming harder.  Jairo was beeping for someone to come move the truck, but finally we sqeeeeeezed past it with millimeters to spare.  I jumped out of the van when we got to my house and ran for the clothesline.  Got everything off the line and JUST as I walked in the door it started to pour with lots of lightening.  I was disappointed because all day I had wanted to go for a long, hard, run.  I didn't mind running in the rain, but this was the pelting kind of rain with lots of lightening and I'm just not that crazy.

Finally the lightening let up and then the rain broke for a half hour, exactly enough time for me to do a full lap around my neighborhood and then attack the steps in front of the Catholic Church until I couldn't lift me legs anymore.  Then the rain started up again, and I headed home.

Spent the evening catching up on American Idol, then read some more of a book called "Dangerous Surrender" which was recommended to me.  It's about completely surrendering your life to God.  The author suggests that after witnessing the world's most horrific problems, you are ruined to return to "life as usual" in the states.  She calls this "seriously disturbed and gloriously ruined."  She is right.  I remember the last time I got home from Honduras I was disgusted by all of the excess of North America.  I mean no disrespect to North Americans.  I fell back into that lifestyle pretty easily after I got over being disgusted by it, so I have no room to talk.  But the calling to do something about what I had seen never diminished.  I know I am, as the book says, "seriously disturbed and gloriously ruined."  I hope I stay this way forever.

Beautiful Baby Boys

I could NOT sleep last night.  I was still wide awake at 2:22 am.  Maybe it was because I was excited that I finally got to use Skype and saw my kitty and Hoke on Skype last night.  It wasn't completely successful, I couldn't hear them and they couldn't see me, but it was still nice.  Or maybe it was Don Juan's killer coffee.  In any case, sleep did not come easily and morning came too soon.

Jairo is away fishing so Lourdes and Walter picked me up.  We had veggie rice with hot dogs for the kids today.  It was an odd day because only 17 came for the morning group, but the afternoon group was bigger than usual.  I think there were 32 kids.

I was so excited when Lourdes' phone rang on the way to the church and it was Marlin asking what she should start preparing.  Her son, Misael, was very sick with a fever and vomiting since Thursday.  Now is feeling better, so she was back at church.  I was so happy to give him a big hug today!  He is always the first one waiting outside the car door to hug Lourdes and me when we pull in the driveway.  I grabbed him and picked him up and hung on tight to my little buddy.

As the rice was cooking I talked to Lourdes about the possibility of changing my budget to fit the funding I currently have.  She immediately began to talk about my home.  In her mind my rent ($235/month) is a lot of money.  Compared to other homes in Honduras, it is expensive.  Karla and Jose found me a place near them in the mountains for $157/month.  But what I am paying for here is not only the house, it is my safety.  I completely agree with Lourdes and Jairo that, although there are less expensive places to live, it is worth the extra $100/month to live within a gated community in a home that offers a lot of security.  I'd rather live in the mountains, but this country is far too unstable for me to live in a different place.

Lourdes talked to me about things she would like me to do if I am able to be here long term.  The kids here can earn scholarships if they get good grades, so Lourdes would like me to help the preschoolers prepare for school.  The more prepared they are, the better their grades will be and the less their parents will have to pay for school.  Lourdes said she is very happy with the way I am serving so far.  She also said she can see that I am happy and that I will be able to live here.  She said other missionaries have had to leave because they get very homesick.  I haven't felt homesick at all,  just excited to be here and now sad that my time here might be running out.

Lourdes also gave me the compliment that she sees me trying to learn and adapt to Honduran customs.  I do work hard at that.  The cultural differences are sometimes obvious, but other times more obscure.  I try hard to observe and respect the Honduran culture.  She said I don't get hung up on time.  I've made an effort at that.  I stopped wearing a watch and when things are running late I see it as an opportunity for quiet time to pray.  It actually is a great way to get a lot of extra prayer time in!  So I am getting a passing grade for adaptability.

I did make one social blunder today though.  I was unaware that before you add soap to a dirty pot of leftover pieces of rice, you must take it outside and scrape the remains for the pigeons.  I started to wash a huge pot of rice and Marlin gasped, then ran across the kitchen and took the pot from me.  I looked at Eunice with surprise and said, "Apparently I just did something wrong,"  Marlin took the pot outside and scraped it out onto the gravel where the pigeons swarmed around.  Won't make that mistake again!

After the breakfast program the pediatrician came and Lourdes took some ladies into a meeting for discipleship.  I had heard that a local teen whom I know from previous visits had a baby about a month ago, but hadn't seen her or the baby yet.  This afternoon her mother brought the 48 day old baby in for a check up.   He is healthy and perfect.  It was great to see Gladis.  She is not thrilled that her daughter had a baby at such a young age, but she is completely in love with her beautiful Grandson.

Gladis and Roonier

Beautiful Baby

I got to hold him for a while.  Haven't held a cuddly baby since my nephews.  It was so sweet!  Gladis asked me to take pictures, so I did.  She didn't realize I am friends with her daughter on FB, so for once I was actually able to share the pictures.  They will have photos of him as a baby now!  I explained to Gladis that her daughter will have all of the pictures on her FB page.  She asked a few questions and once she understood she was excited.

Other kids were hanging out, coloring or doing homework.  Misael came back strong today, but by 3pm he was exhausted.  Marlin, his mom, was in the discipleship meeting with Lourdes.  He started crying and his sister tried her best to comfort him.  Finally I picked him up.  He whimpered a little, then immediately fell asleep on my shoulder.  He's almost 3 years old and not small, so I plopped down in a chair, put my feet up, and got some more snuggles with a sleepy boy.  I loved every minute of it.  His mom came out of the meeting about half an hour later.  When I handed him over to Marlin he never woke up.  I hope she doesn't live too far because I bet she had to carry him all of the way home.

We came home about 4:30.  I washed some thinner clothes and hung them on the line, knowing it hadn't rained yet today so it was only a matter of time...  Sure enough it has rained, but NOTHING like yesterday.  I think I made a good choice.  Probably would have washed the jeans and heavier things if I had known we weren't going to get our daily downpour.

Jose was going to take me to watch the church team play fútbol, but he had too many things to do tonight and I was really thinking it was going to rain, so I cleaned up the house and settled in for the night.

I learned something really cool today.  Two of my friends (Anthony from Salt Lake and Diana Brown from high school) had dreams that they came to Honduras to visit me here.  They are both nurses and they dreamed they were serving here while they visited.  Diana said her dream was very vivid and caused her to start researching Doctors and Nurses Without Borders.  I told her she is welcome to come visit on her own.  I am choosing to take these dreams as an awesome sign that I will be here long term, since neither of my friends has any plans to come in the next 3 weeks.  I love that Honduras is so deep in their minds and hearts that they are dreaming about being here!  Usually the dreams only come for those of us who have actually visited.  When I'm in the states I dream about Honduras frequently.  No matter where I am, this place is always a part of me.  My prayers for funding are becoming more desperate.  I am struggling at times to remember that God holds my future in His hands and He has good plans for me.  I keep reminding myself that if God wants me to be here, nothing can stand in the way of that.  If God doesn't want me to be here, then I will go back to the states.  But I feel called to Honduras more strongly than ever.  That is saying a lot, because this calling has been strong for the past 3 years.  Whew!  It will be interesting to see how the next few weeks unfold.

Pouring Torrents

Lourdes called early to say we are riding with Walter today because Jairo went fishing for a few days.  I love it when Jairo gets to go fishing.  He goes with his buddy to a very remote place.  They leave very early in the morning and fish until night, sitting all day in the hot, hot sun.  I think I would love to go, but I am kind of a wimp when it comes to hot sun with no break, so maybe not.

Today was "espaghettis" day at the breakfast program.  We only had 21 kids in the morning group.  Not sure why.  Last week we were in the 50s some days.

Lourdes was feeling better today.  We all were a little sleepy, but we decided that was due to the weather.  It started raining as we left the church today.  When I got home the lightening was so close some times I felt like I should duck and cover!  Car alarms were going off from the vibration of the thunder.  I kept mopping and mopping and am still mopping now, 5 hours later.  There is a big hole in my bedroom roof, but it doesn't drip onto anything except the floor, so that is good.  Same with the hole in the kitchen roof.

I got bitten by something in my sleep last night, so was eager to wash my sheets.  So eager that I washed them in the sink and they are hanging in the kitchen contributing to the wet floor there.  I hope they dry eventually.

I used to love the sound of rain and found it comforting, but today it has been raining so hard and so long I am getting tired of it.  Need to get used to it.  Such is life in the rainy season.  The next glimpse I get of the sun I am going to run outside and bask in it.  My body is craving some sunshine.

Will I ever have a dry pair of pants?

The van wasn't packed on the way to church as it normally is.  For one, Lourdes was at home with a migraine.

We got to church early, so I sat down to wait and was soon surrounded with girls from the breakfast program.  Usually I sit with Lourdes, so it was nice to know that they would want to sit with me.  I used to feel bad when I didn't know the songs because I think it is important to set a good example for them and fully participate in the service.  Today we did some of my favorite songs.  It was fun to sing and clap with the girls.

Then we had a mini concert.  Kids who have been taking piano lessons got up and played.  Some of them have only been playing for a few months, others have clearly been playing for years.  They each got up and bowed for the audience then performed, then bowed again after they were finished.  I loved the bowing!  It was cool to see kids between 4-10 years old get up on the stage and have the confidence to perform.  Then it was nice to see them feel proud of themselves after they finished.  The girls who sat with me loved it and said they wish they could have piano lessons.  So far only one girl from Los Pinos is getting lessons.  Hopefully that will change.

When the kids got called to go to their Sunday school classes, Marlin, the lady who works in the kitchen with me a lot for the breakfast program, motioned for me to come sit with her.  I appreciated that since I was left alone.  We sat together and shared my bilingual bible.  She thought that was really cool.  She is one of my favorite people here.  I just learned that she was close to death a year ago from Lupus.  Now you can't even tell she has the disease!  Her son, Misael, was sick Friday.  I asked about him and she said he is still very sick.  She will take him back to the doctor tomorrow because he still has a fever and vomits if he eats anything.  I am trying to think of a special way that I could bless her or her family if I have to leave in a few weeks.  So far I don't have any ideas, but I know God will help me with that because she deserves something special.

Jairo's message today was from Isaiah 58:11, that God will comfort you always.  It was a good message for this week when so many were in pain after the death of Alfredo Villatoro.  He searched through the church members and at various points in the service he reminded specific people that God will comfort them and meet their needs.
Jairo also used Deuteronomy 7:9-10, which was fitting for this week too.  It talks about God's faithfulness and love for those who love Him, but also says that God will not be slow to repay those who hate Him.  For me, anyone who takes a man from his family, tortures, then kills him, must hate God.  Maybe it makes me a bad person, but I find comfort knowing that God has a place specifically for those people.  (3 people have been arrested and more are being investigated for their role in kidnapping and killing Alfredo Villatoro.)

Juan, a member of our church who was the counterpart to Alfredo Villatoro in their morning radio show, was present this week.  The pain his family feels is very evident.  By the end of the service his son sat with his head in his hands.  He appeared unable to stand with the rest of the church.  Jairo said the boy is afraid his father will be kidnapped and killed too.  It is reasonable for him to feel that way.

After church I talked with Jose and Karla.  Karla will be on break from school after tomorow.  We are planning to spend time together - yay!!!!

It was hot outside but a storm was rolling in over the mountains.  When church first got out the storm was far away.  I told Jairo I was glad the storm was over his house, not mine, because all of my jeans are hanging on the line.  Finally, after about 45 minutes he said it was time to go.  We all got into the car and waited while he talked to a group of men.  Aaron said it was going to rain.  I told Aaron that is not funny because every single pair of my pants are hanging outside and I will have nothing to wear tomorrow if they get wet.  He said, don't worry, you'll get home in time.  Then the clouds started coming in faster.  We were all in the van joking that it would be Jairo's fault if I had no clothes tomorrow.  Aaron called for Jairo a few times, but the men were still talking.  Finally Jairo came and we left.  As we pulled out of the driveway Aaron said I was going to get home just in time.  I agreed.  By the time we got to the corner everyone started shrieking that it was raining!  It rained a little, but not much.  When we got to the exit for my house everyone was laughing.  Jairo said it rained only at my house.  He was right!  The streets were soaked and the rain was coming down hard, but only over my Colonia!  On the other side of the road there was no rain and the roads were dry.  It was so bizarre it was hilarious!  Rain is an every day thing here now.  It's the rainy season!  But today we had fun acting like it was a crazy big deal.  They said I would have to run fast into my house so I wouldn't get wet (as if I haven't been drenched many times just in the past week!).  So I hurried and unlocked the gate while they cheered me on, then rushed over to the clothes line.  The mango tree had protected some things from being completely soaked, but I grabbed it all and brought it in.

I had planned to fast today and pray about my funding, but before I realized what I was doing I ate some Twizzlers.  Ooops!  No fast today.  Made myself a little lunch and laid down for a nap.  I had to close the windows because the rain was so loud outside.  When I woke up it was still raining, but not as hard, so I put on my gringa raincoat and ran to the pulperia.  (Nobody here wears a raincoat.)

Back to the Breakfast Program tomorrow!  I am trying to be present in every moment and appreciate each day because I'm not sure if I will be able to live here after June 14th.  The weeks go by so quickly!  If I do have to leave I want to have no regrets about the way I spent my time here.  I hate that I already have sadness in my heart because I am worried I may have to leave.  I still have more than 3 weeks left here.  It seems like a waste of time to feel sad about something that might not even happen.  I can't fully appreciate each moment if I am sad.  However, sometimes when I think about having to leave, I can't help but be sad.  Would God send me here to form all of these relationships and see all of the ways I can serve, then take me away?  I hope not!

*Please click on "Older Posts" to see the other new entries I posted tonight*

Awesome Teenagers

Everyone who knows me, knows I am not a morning person.   (Mom, sit down cause you will not believe this.)  I woke up at 5:44 am today.  I was waiting all week for Saturday because it was the only day that didn't have a 90% chance of heavy rain.  When I couldn't fall back asleep I decided to get a head start on laundry.  I had my laundry soaked, scrubbed, and hanging on the line, plus the floors mopped all before 7 a.m.!

Then it started to rain.  I was discouraged, thinking Walter might not want to run in the rain.  He was supposed to pick me up at 10:30, but texted me to say he would be late and would explain when he sees me.  When he picked me up he said he had already made 3 trips down into the city.  One was with a pregnant lady from La Tigra.  He had to drive her to the hospital because she was in labor.  He thought she might have the baby in the back seat of his truck!  By that time it was too late for him to run with me because he had a meeting of the jovenes (teens).  We decided he would take me up to La Tigra and I could go for a hike with his roommate, Eric.  That sounded like a good way to start, since I haven't run in 2 months.  Plus I love hiking in La Tigra, so I was not disappointed.  But then as we drove up the mountain it started to rain up there too.

As we drove up the mountain I was checking out the book of activities for jovenes.  Walter showed me what they were doing this week.  I made a suggestion that I thought would match well with what Walter had already planned.  When the rain continued we decided to cancel the hike so I helped with the jovenes.  There was an important fútbol game on tv, but the boys all pulled themselves away from the tv and we had a super good three hour meeting.  It's supposed to be 2 hours, but the activity I suggested went so well that the kids took extra time with it.  The girls were crying and the boys really opened up too.  Walter was surprised.  He said they usually don't talk and he has to do all of the speaking.  Not today!  The teens were very involved.  They shared what was on their hearts and were very vulnerable.  I see this as a first step to great things.  The group is full of kids with immense potential.  It was an honor to be there.  Three years ago I attended the jovenes group in La Tigra.  It is was more like a social hour.  This time it was kids seeking after God and supporting each other in their journey together.

Walter dropped kids off and made his fourth trip down the mountain to take me home.  I asked if it would be possible to help next week too.  I love to be able to contribute like this.  I feel comfortable speaking to the group in Spanish now and I have built a rapport with the kids so that I am no longer the strange gringa.  They are comfortable enough to tease me and joke with me.

In my 20's, as a social worker in Chicago, I was intimidated by teens.  Now teens are my favorite!  I hope I can spend more time with the jovenes in La Tigra.  I have some ideas that I think would be a great next step.  It is sad that I may only have three more Saturdays in Honduras.  There are so many things I would love to do here.  I hope God has plans for me to continue with these kids much longer.  I am praying desperately, and asking others to pray as well, that the financial support comes.  I have faith that if it is God's will for me to live here, money can't stand in the way.

*PLEASE CLICK ON "Older Posts" BELOW TO SEE OTHER NEW ENTRIES POSTED TONIGHT*

Long, Fun Day

It's been a busy three days.  Each night I've come home so exhausted I went straight to bed with no energy to write.  Sorry for my absence!

Friday was really fun.  When I left in the morning my neighbor ran outside saying I left the outside lights on.  I said I did it on purpose because I knew I would be home at 9 or 10 pm.  She did not seem to like this idea.  I'm not sure why.  I explained I can't see to unlock my doors, but this was not a satisfactory answer either.  She said she will turn on her lights when she hears me come home, but that is not enough to illuminate my key holes.  I ended up running off to meet Jairo at the pulperia, leaving the lights on.  I'll have to ask someone if there is a reason, besides the electric bill, not to do that.  (They only sell the expensive "green" light bulbs here.)

Jairo invited me to join Walter and him as they look for a new pulpit for the church.  We drove all over the city, and stopped at a couple of places but didn't find anything good.  My stomach was a off that morning.  I was a little nauseous and had a small headache, so I was scared to eat.  I think Jairo thought I was trying to be money conscious when I didn't want to eat, but really I was scared of how my stomach would react and I had no appetite.

It was fun to drive through the city and check everything out.  I went to some areas where I had never been before.  One pulpit store was across from a natural health store, so I found Melatonin for Lourdes.  Her fibromyalgia makes it difficult to sleep most nights and Melatonin has been very helpful.  She had 6 pills left from those I had brought with me in my suitcase.  Now she will not run out and she knows where to get more.

It was fun to get out of the car and walk up and down the street past all of the street vendors.  The vendors take up the sidewalk so people have to walk in the street.  Jairo was very protective.  He grabbed my hand as we crossed the street and told me to watch out for random motorcycles passing between the cars.  He said he had to keep me safe so he wouldn't have to explain to the people from K2 how he lost their gringa.

It was also a day that brought back a lot of fun childhood memories.  I found myself telling Jairo stories about things my father and I used to do together when I was young, welding in the garage, driving bulldozers and cranes, driving my mother crazy when he built me a balance beam in the back yard and encouraged me to do all sorts of tricks on it.  He built a trapeze in the basement for me and rolled me around the yard in the center of a huge inner tube.  It was fun to remember and share those memories.  I think if my father were alive he would be proud of me living in Honduras and helping kids.

Walter and I took off again and picked up groceries for the breakfast program.  Then we grabbed some special bread for the Friday night meeting.  We also did some grocery shopping for me.  He said he bought new sneakers for running so I asked if I could run with him.  He said yes, we can run Saturday morning at the arena.  I was so excited!  Finally some exercise!

When all the errands were done, I was invited to attend a meeting of all of the people who are leading groups in the church community.  We ate ham subs on delicious baguettes.  There was a wide variety of people.  Some were teenagers, some were from La Tigra.  Jairo talked about the cycles of life and how the leaders can support others through these various cycles.  He also talked blatantly about the struggles this country is facing and how the violence can affect people, and specific members of the church.  He said that we need to be careful what we say in public or on the phone.  He is very sure that phones are being tapped and nobody is exempt.  He told everyone to talk to their kids and remind them not to even joke in a way that can be misconceived.  Finally he talked about the way this violence can lead to depression, withdrawal, loss of faith (there was more, but I forgot).  He told the leaders that God has given us the power to overcome even the most horrible circumstances.  He used scripture to remind us of God's promises to us.

The last part of the presentation was about future plans for Iglesia en Transformación.  It was really cool.  He started with pictures of how the church has grown since they moved from La Tigra to this location in 2003.  There was only one building at that time.  He showed pictures of

(Wow!  Something huge must be happening in fútbol because people are screaming and setting off fireworks in the streets!)

Anyway, he showed photos of the building process, then used a program that duplicated the process with computer animation and added how the church plans to expand in the future.  It was cool to see the church grow, but for me, personally, I love the little church just as it is.

During the presentation it was raining so hard we could barely hear Jairo as he spoke loudly over the pounding torrents.  The power even went out, but I was the only one who seemed to notice.  We sat in the dark and Jairo continued to speak.  I thought the lack of power might cause things to be cut short, but in this country electricity is not a necessity.  The show must go on!

We ended in prayer.  We prayed for several health needs and for the Seamans, who are moving to Guatemala.  Then we prayed for this country and the violence here.  Many of the 24 people were in tears as they prayed for their country that night.  Their hearts are aching because of the violence that has already occurred, for the people who live in fear, and for things to return to the Honduras they used to know.

As we drove home through the downpour, Lourdes and I talked about the fact that her family (and I) don't live in fear because we use wisdom and put our faith in God.  (In my case I rely more on the wisdom of others.)  I thanked Jairo for including me in this day.  It was simple, but another wonderful day for me.  I love being here so much!

*Please click on "Older Posts" if you haven't read Pizza and Wings*

Pizza and Wings (Ant wings, that is)

I had the coolest experience today.  It happened of all times, when I was washing dishes!  I was listening to some gringo music and singing.  A line in the song was "I've imagined it all".  I thought to myself, "Is this how I imagined it?"  My response was so nice, it made me smile.  Yes.  Standing in this kitchen is everything I imagined.  It is everything I had hope for, dreamed for, worked for, waited for, and prayed for.  It is everything I imagined.  And it is more.  (Come on, you knew that was coming.)

Standing over those dirty dishes I thought about the joy I feel in my heart almost every day.  When I was in the states and I thought of what life here would be like, I couldn't imagine that joy.  It wasn't a part of me yet.  I am a happy person.  I have a lot of fun.  But it is different to live each day with joy.  It is something that can't help but also bring with it immense gratitude.

Yes, I do have bad days here.  And sad days - yesterday was one.  I have frustrations.  But underneath it all, I still have joy.  Sometimes the joy is covered up more than others.  Usually it is floating above and sometimes bursting over the top of my other emotions.

I am in the middle of fundraising to see if I will stay here, or if I will go back to live in the US.  Fundraising is a crazy thing.  One minute it seems like God certainly will provide for me to stay.  The next I am looking for jobs and apartments in the states.  It is hard to plan your future when you are not sure what country to plan it in.  So I am trying not to make any plans at all, and live as God leads me.  Everything will be okay, so it is safe to let go and see what happens.  It's also exciting not knowing where God will take me next.  I believe this next year is going to be very eventful, no matter what my house looks like or what language the people around me are speaking.

Today a man from K2 - a man I don't know very well at all - sent out an email.  He challenged men of K2 to match his donation to help me stay here and serve in Honduras.  Within 30 minutes there was already one response.  I am hopeful there will be more.  I am grateful that people are stepping forward, placing their faith in God and their confidence in me.

Today Lourdes and I were talking about serving and how people have different styles and different expectations of what it means to serve.  She said that I don't ask for much.  My immediate response was, "I have more than I need!"  What could I be asking for?  I have people who care about me.  Plenty of people to serve.  Pretty much everything I need to serve them well.  Sometimes I need a ride to the store.  That's about it.

She said she was surprised I didn't want my own office.  I could probably have my own office if I asked.  There is a space where I could set things up as an office.  But really, I don't need my own office.  I do most of my "office work" together with Lourdes or Jairo in the kitchen.  Or I do things, like this blog, which I do consider part of my work, from home at night.  I asked for a light bulb for the lamp on my nightstand yesterday.  Jairo brought me TWO bulbs this morning - one was clear and one soft light.  He wasn't sure which I would like better.  There is nothing I need.

When I got in the car this morning Lourdes was reading the newspaper.  I said the usual formal good mornings that are expected here.  Then asked how everyone was doing.  Lourdes said she is very disturbed, upset and sick to her stomach.  She said she has been watching the news.  Apparently the kidnappers really did not ever ask for ransom.  They tortured Alfonzo Villatoro, then killed him.  I will not offer details because you don't need the same images stuck in your mind that I have in mine.  Psychologists are analyzing what sort of person would do what the captors did, and the message they were trying to send.  Sounds like it was the narcos after all, sending a message that they are in control.

I told Lourdes how nervous I was when they had that announcement on tv last night, then relieved that it was just a positive message from the president.  She made a really good point.  Why is he saying NOW that he will go after the killers?  Why didn't he do everything in his power to save Alfredo Villatoro BEFORE he was killed?  Tonight is the funeral.  I am happy this is the first night in weeks it didn't rain.  The crowds of people will not have to wait in the rain.

The breakfast program was nice today.  We made pizza.  Which means we took the rest of the hot dog buns that were donated, filled them with refried beans and cheese, then closed them up, piled them on top of each other and shoved them in the oven to warm.  I ate one.  It was good.  Some of the kids had three!  They liked them.

The girl who was so naughty yesterday was back this morning with a smile and polite greeting.  She tried to sit by herself to eat, but Lourdes caught her before she sat down and steered her to a group of kids.  She asked to play the game this afternoon.  Lourdes talked to her about her behavior yesterday and asked her to apologize to me, which she did.  I gladly accepted her apology and she seemed to have a good day with no problems.

We got to give out some new shoes today.  The boys were very happy to get them.  One of the boys was the same one who was so happy about his haircut last week.  It is so beautiful to see the kids literally transforming through the breakfast program.  Haircuts and shoes don't seem like a big deal in the states, but here it's like - I can't think of anything to compare because most of our material things are not as life changing.

A group of students from the college next door needs to get a few hours of practicum in for their psychology degrees, so they came over and helped out.  They were really nice and the kids liked them, so it will be good to have them around.  It was especially good because after having the whole kitchen full of women for the past 2 days, Lourdes and I were alone today.  I think the students will be here for a couple of weeks.

Kids Studying!

After the second group was done, the kids wanted to stay and play.  Unfortunately some kids had not cleaned up after themselves, so I asked the kids who were left to please clean up and then they could play.  After a few minutes they came running up to me, very excited.  I wasn't sure why so I left the dishes in the kitchen and followed them outside.  They were proud because of the way they had cleaned everything up!  It made me feel good that they knew they could count on me for positive reinforcement.  They kept asking "Buen trabajo?  Buen Trabajo???"  (Good job?  Good job???)  I said Yes!  Great job!!  You can all play now.  Thank you!  (We are working hard on please and thank you.)  They played for a while, then I looked out and they were doing homework together.  It was so cute I had to get some pictures.

Lourdes said she would like to stay home and rest tomorrow.  I am so happy she feels comfortable to do that.  The teachers are on strike again tomorrow, so we will have a large group and they will come early.  They will also leave early.  Walter and I will go shopping for breakfast program groceries afterward.  Walter said there is also a meeting that I will attend tomorrow evening at the church.  Lourdes and Jairo never mentioned it, but they know I never have any plans, so I'm sure they assumed I would want to go.  I didn't really understand what Walter was talking about but what I got was that 25 teachers are coming at 6pm to talk about discipline.  I think.  Jairo was all excited today.  He left today at noon.  He said he was going to preach.  He had a bounce in his step.  He said he will be speaking to students.  I'll have to ask him more about it tomorrow.

Tonight I was supposed to be working on some paperwork, but I never got much done.  I made brownies, thinking they would be nice to have if we will be at the church for 12 hours tomorrow, but for some reason they turned out like rocks.  Not sure how I managed that.  I did some deep cleaning, found a small cockroach in my silverware drawer.  I also had to sweep around a small gecko.  It wouldn't budge, no matter how close I swept.  I have to sweep all of the time now.  There are these weird ants with wings.  They all hatched a few weeks ago and were flying in swarms, then this week they are all losing their wings.  I don't know where the ants are going, but the wings are covering my kitchen floor.  It's only in the kitchen, thank God.

I hope this country starts to get back to normal tomorrow, now that the funeral is over and the gruesome details are out.  The question is, what is normal here?  Constant violence and death cannot be the new normal.  Not for these beautiful people.

A Sad, Sad Day

Today is a very sad day.  I was awake until late last night watching the news about Alfredo Villatoro's death.  He was Catholic.  The Catholic Church across the street sang until 1 am last night.  I believe it was in reverence to Alfredo Villatoro.  They had long services at Easter, but never that late.

I was afraid there would be violent protests in the streets today, so I woke up early and started watching the news again.  There was no violence, only immense sadness.  As I was lying in bed a helicopter flew overhead and reminded me of the last time I lived here.

For those of you who don't know, I lived in Honduras in 2009 when the president was breaking the constitution.  Therefore, he was removed from his bed early one morning and taken out of the country.  Most educated people were very happy this happened.  They were pleased with the interim president.  But the poorer, less educated people were very angry and had horrible protests or "manifestaciones".  It was scary.  The water and power were turned off.  When the power came back on only one radio station was available.  They announced a 24 hour curfew or "toque de queda ".  Anyone on the street while the toque de queda was in place was arrested.  Eventually the toque de queda was reduced so you could leave the house for a few hours in the afternoon, then it was from 8 am-6 pm so people could go to work.  Sometimes they would hear about building manifestaciones, so they would play a national song on the tv and announce the toque de queda was pushed back to 4pm.  Then people would have to hurry to get back into their houses before 4 pm.  There were bombings and shootings and lots of marches with everything in the path of the march destroyed.  It was bad.  I could always tell what kind of a day it was going to be by the amount of helicopters I could hear in the sky when I woke up.

This morning I heard a helicopter and I did not like it one bit.  Crazy how sounds can bring back emotions.  But it was only one helicopter.  The news was more focused on a teachers strike.  It seems to me that the teachers here are always on strike.  The first time I visited they were striking because they hadn't been paid in 2 months.  (Understandable)  The next year when I visited they were striking because the same president who didn't pay them the year before (and hoarded the country's money in his residence) was taken out of the country.  They are state employees, so I guess that made sense to them, but...  Today they are striking for a pay raise.  They will strike again tomorrow, which means we will have a lot of kids at the breakfast program.   This morning we had 59 in the early group.

Jairo came to pick me up.  We looked everywhere for a newspaper, but every newsstand in the city was empty and abandoned.  My mind was still in scared mode, so I initially thought the newspaper wasn't printed, but Jairo explained the papers are all sold out!  That was strange.  I saw a front page on the news.  It said "DOLOR", which means "PAIN".  Last week's paper said "LIBERTAD (FREE) ALREDO VILLATORO" in bold across the whole cover.  When I saw that cover last week I remember praying that the cover would be an indication of the outcome.  This was not the ending anyone had hoped for.

Jairo told me that the latest news is that there was never a ransom request at all.  It seems more politically motivated, possibly as a result of a recent drug bust.  Another clue that it could have been politically motivated was the red towel on his face and the red socks on his feet.  Red is the color of the extreme right winged people.  Jairo also said authorities were closing in on the kidnappers last night, right before Alfredo Villatoro was killed.

Lourdes was at a special presentation at Aaron's school, but she came down later.  When I got to the church I had big plans for the 100's of hot dog buns and mustard that were donated yesterday.  The kitchen was full of women.  Hot dogs were already boiled to an odd color and even odder shapes which I can't even describe.  The mustard was mixed with mayonaise, as is traditional here.  There was shredded cabbage in a bowl and everyone was talking about what to do with it.  My vote was to throw it on the grill.  Then we could toss the hot dogs on too, to give them some flavor and texture.  I was outvoted.  The cabbage was sauteed.  Lourdes found jars of pickles from the donations and we sliced them into tiny spears.  Jacky spread a thick coating of the mayo/mustard on both sides.  I added the odd looking hot dogs two slices of pickles and ketchup.  Then, the woman who taught me to make pupusas yesterday added the cooked cabbage.  She insisted that I add more ketchup on top.  She is very bossy to me in the kitchen, but she is an older woman so I must always be quiet and obey.  She made a big deal, saying over and over to the other women that I had thrown out the bags the hot dog rolls came in.  She picked them out of the garbage.  I realized I had made a mistake, but didn't understand why she had to make such a big deal about it.  In the end they used one plastic bag to catch a fly and asphyxiate it.  I think the rest got thrown away.

The kids got Craisens to take home with them, which was a nice treat.  One of my favorite little guys (Misael) got his baby toenail ripped off, along with part of the skin of his toe.  Another boy, bigger, kicked him.  His mom, whom I adore, and I doctored him up as he screamed in pain.  She works in the kitchen almost every day.  She is a really hard worker, but she is also a lot of fun.  When I first met her I thought she was one of the kids, but she is 26 years old.  She has lupus, but it is under control right now.  Her daughter is the one who has plans to be a pastor.  Her kids are hard workers too.

I had to be extremely firm with one of the girls today, which was sad.  Often she eats alone.  She can be very mean, but is also frequently picked on.  We try to help her socialize, but it is a struggle.  Anyway, I looked up while bandaging Misael and there was a shoving match going on.  I try not to raise my voice because of the trauma some of these kids suffer at home.  So I got up and walked over calmly.  I told them very firmly if they did not stop they would not be allowed to play the game.  Everyone else stopped and started blaming each other.  I said, as I always do, that I don't want them to blame each other.  If they cannot play nicely, they cannot use the game.  At that point the girl shoved a boy.  I stepped between them and she kicked me!  I told her calmly and softly that she cannot play the game today.  She can play tomorrow, but not today.  Then she cursed, which set the other kids off.  I put my arm around her and reminded her that she has a choice.  She can play another game and use appropriate language or she can choose to leave.  She stood her ground for a while, but finally walked away.  A minute later I saw her leaving.  I felt bad.  I don't know if she will eat today.  But I also know she understands the rules and we do not allow fighting or bad words.  I had to remind myself that it was her choice to leave as I watched her walk away.

We got done early because the kids didn't have to take showers for school, since it was closed.  After the kids left I checked my email and found the financial update I've been waiting for.  There were 2 new donations, which I appreciate, but no new monthly donations.  I talked to Lourdes about the idea that when she leaves in 3 weeks to visit the states, I may not see her again - at least not as soon as we are hoping.  Lourdes, the kids and I are still praying that I can live in Honduras, but now we are adding a lot more emphasis on "if it is God's will".  If God wants me to serve here, He will be sure I have the finances.  One time donations help me do extra things for the kids, but only monthly donations allow me to have a budget to live here.

I vowed not to watch the news when I got home.  The news does nothing but upset me, so I am going to keep busy in other ways.  Tonight I watched stupid sitcoms.  I'm not ashamed to admit it.  When you live in a country with so much sadness and hurting, sometimes you need a few stupid sitcoms.  It can get really overwhelming when the violence and negativity seems endless.  In a poll on the Honduran morning news today, 75% of the people said they do not believe the violence will end.  It got to me today.  How do these people live like this every day?  How do they see a body on tv and not wonder if it is someone they know, when the violence hits so close to home constantly?

Tonight the same announcement they used to announce the toque de queda came on the tv.  Ughhh!  I heard it so many times when I lived here before and it was always bad news.  I got nervous, wondering what was happening, thinking about how much food and water I have in the house.  But it was the president saying that swift action will be taken and violence will not be accepted.  He assured people that the killers of Alfredo Villatoro will be found.  However, I can't help but think of the statistic I saw back when I lived in the states.  90% of murders in Honduras are never solved according to CNN presents "Honduras: The Deadliest Region on Earth".

As much as I want to be here,  as much as I love it here, it would be very hard to live with the things these people face every day.  Jairo has been trying to tell me.  He has so many stories as he drives through the city pointing out various corners where innocent members of the church were shot and killed.  I listen to the stories.  I think about how terrible it is, but I haven't FELT the pain until now.  Honduran people have been living like this, with things only seeming to get worse and worse, since I left 3 years ago.  My heart aches today.