It has been weeks since I have written anything. My Mom has said for years that she can tell how I am doing because when things get me down I don't call her as often. I guess I don't blog either.
In the case of my blog, I have been given feedback in the past that if I have a bad day I should keep it to myself because people might lose faith in me, or might even think that I am leaving Honduras.
Let me be clear. I am not leaving Honduras. God has called me here. That calling has not wavered at all. The Breakfast Program is growing in leaps and bounds. For more than 8 months I have been EXTREMELY happy here. I know that I can be happy again. I am just struggling for the moment.
When I worked with teen aged boys in a lock down facility in Utah, sometimes we would get a new boy who was so perfect we would wonder why he was there. All the staff would wonder what we would see in him when his "Honeymoon period" was over, and he showed his true colors. For every boy, eventually, the honeymoon would end and we would start to see things they had not shown us before. At that point we were finally able to work with them, help them, understand them, and treat the problems that put them in a lock down facility.
I think I am in a similar situation. My honeymoon period here is over. Little things that I had never noticed before started to bother me. Then I noticed bigger things. At that point I reached out to friends, family and my church for prayer. Eventually it built up to a point where I was really shut down and decided I didn't want to trust anyone or talk to anyone. I am grateful that quickly I realized that was not healthy and only hurt me more.
Two Mondays ago I sat down with Jairo and explained how I was feeling and why. He listened earnestly. He pointed out which things I would have to learn to deal with, giving me ideas of how I can handle them better. He acknowledged where mistakes had been made by others and even apologized for some of those things. He assured me that I am wanted and well like here. He also let me know where my own insecurities were causing me to misinterpret things. Afterward I felt much better, and with time things have definitely improved.
There have been a few incidents that caused me to slide back into mistrust, but Jairo and Lourdes have lifted me up and supported me through those times. Thank God for them, and for the friends and family who have been praying for me.
To summarize, I have learned that most missionaries at the six month point begin to struggle. I am no different. Things are not so shiny and new anymore. I don't find joy in the simple things as often as I used to. Everything doesn't feel like such an amazing adventure. I have been assured by other missionaries that this is completely normal. I do not like the new attitude I see in myself and am working to be more grateful and joyful.
This weekend I will move to my new home in the mountains. I have made a new friend in the past week and shared quality time with old friends. I think I am at a turning point and things will get better from here.
Several people have quoted Jeremiah 29:11-13 to me.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you
and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Today while Lourdes, Jairo, Eunice and I were talking in the kitchen, Jairo gave me a hug and told me that I am going to be surprised by the amazing things God has in store for me. Jairo said God has really BIG things for me. I just need to wait. He always has a sense about these things.
So I am holding on. The honeymoon period is over. Every day is not perfect anymore. I can't expect it to be. I hope that you will support me in prayer and understand that I am human. I don't like to disappoint people, so this was hard for me to share. But I fully believe that God DOES have good things in store for me and I will find them if I continue on His path.
Thank you for your understanding and grace. I hope you will continue to walk with me as this new phase begins and I settle into REAL LIFE in Honduras. I have been told by a good source that I will be surprised by big and amazing things that God has in store for me. Can't wait to share them with you!
