I feel a little bit, okay more than a little bit nervous to share this with you. But I believe it is a big step in my spiritual growth. So, some of you will appreciate it, and some of you will think I am crazy.
Two Saturdays ago I was driving Erika and Ana and her family home after Isabela's birthday party at my house. My car made a strange noise. It sounded like it was coming from the passenger's side glove box, or something right behind it. It was annoying, but I figured anything up that high couldn't cost much to fix and couldn't make driving too dangerous.
However, I had plans with my friend Oneida and her family. Her kids have been DYING to come to my house. Sunday was the big day. I talked it over with Fany and I told her that I knew the car was probably fine, but Oneida lives on a long, bumpy dirt road and and I didn't want to get stuck out there when I drove them home. She said she would go with me if I decided to go. But in the end I cancelled.
I felt horrible because I knew the kids had been looking forward to it all week. I had been looking forward to it all week. But it wasn't worth the risk of driving a car with some strange noise.
I had already called the mechanic on Friday and asked if I could drop off the car for an oil change Monday morning, When I dropped off the car he drove me to work. He heard the noise and said he would have to take things apart to figure it out.
After the oil change, he was balancing the tires when he noticed that the back suspension was messed up. He said I could go a few more miles like that. But I shouldn't have any people in my car (for the added weight) and I should get it fixed as soon as possible. If he hadn't balanced t-he tires after the oil change, I would have been driving around with cars FULL (Honduras style full = 8-14 people) on horrible, rutted, dirt roads.
I told him that even though it could go a few more miles, I would like to go ahead and fix it because my schedule is only going to get more and more busy in the weeks to come. I just got the car back this week on Tuesday.
Here's the weird part. This morning I woke up with a strange feeling. First I didn't want to get out of bed, so I told myself that I was being lazy after feeling so stressed about the class yesterday. But Fany came and asked if I'd like a ride to the bank and I said sure.
In reality, I wasn't feeling lazy. Yet for some reason I couldn't pack my suitcases for the retreat today.
I drove Fany to the bank. Right before we got home we went over a speed bump and my car made a horrible sound. It was then I decided I was not going to drive to the retreat.
I found a ride, but I still didn't feel right.
I've been looking forward to this retreat for months. But for some reason I didn't have peace about going today.
I am realizing that this feeling of anxiety is how the Holy Spirit guides me. There is a Spanish word that best describes how I feel in these moments. It is "inquieta" (restless, troubled, worried, concerned). I used to call it laziness because I wasn't doing what I was supposed to do. But I know that I sincerely wanted to go to the retreat today and I know that really wanted to spend Sunday with my friend and her family, The term "lazy" does not explain why I felt uncomfortable with those plans.
I called and cancelled my ride. Suddenly I felt better. Then I found a ride that is leaving at 5:40 a.m. tomorrow. Normally waking up at 5 a.m. is my idea of torture, but in this case that is the resolution that gave me the most peace.
So, I am going to arrive at the retreat 12 hours late. I'm still not sure why. But now I have peace.
