Sometimes, for the sanity of my family and maybe even for myself, I have to minimize things. That's what I did in the blog I wrote two days ago.
The whole truth is that over the past 2 weeks, things have been building up in my mind. Many things have been happening which left me feeling unsafe.
None of the things happened directly to me. But I felt like all around me people were being assaulted, robbed, beaten up, tied up, threatened with death, threatened with rape... It got really overwhelming and I couldn't handle it emotionally.
You can't call your Mom and say, "Mom, I'm really upset because my friend just got tied up and threatened with death and rape while they stole from him. I'm scared because I was parked in a place I thought was safe and the next thing I knew there were military men with huge guns running everywhere. I am the only person I know at my job who hasn't been held up with a weapon and I'm scared it's just a matter of time..." Some of the things I can't even write here because I, or my friends, would be unsafe if people found out what I've written.
So what do you do?
Well, if you're me, you stuff it down inside until your brain is about to explode. Your co-workers notice that you seem scared, and tell you so, but you feel embarrassed and do nothing about it. Your best friends tell you that you seem shaken up after the "men running around with guns" incident. You can't remember any of your friends' names for a few hours after that incident, but you deny to them, and to yourself, that anything is wrong. Your shoulders and neck ache and you blame it on bad posture because you are not allowed to feel stress. You spend the whole night awake, wondering why you can't sleep, trying to remember what you ate or drank that would keep you so wide awake and nothing comes to mind. Because you didn't ingest anything. It's what's brewing in your mind that won't allow you to rest for more than 20 minutes the whole, entire night.
And that is where God steps in. (BIG sigh of relief.)
I have to confess. I have spent the past two weeks feeling scared. I stopped writing here. I stopped using Facebook. I didn't communicate with anyone from the US. Because when I feel like this if I say anything people's first response is "You need to come home!" and that is not true. I don't need to come home. But I do need to acknowledge my fear, feel my fear, and work through it.
That is what I am doing now.
Today's church service was entitled, "How scary!" (Or in Spanish "Que Miedo!" which translated literally is "What Fear!") Pastor Paysen talked about fear and how it can paralyze us, cause us to be ineffective, and lose our inner peace. Fear itself can hold us hostage. Fear was holding me hostage.
So what can we do? Well, first we have to identify the problem. I have to admit that yes, I am fearful.
That was tough. For me, it took a few weeks.
Then we have to decide if we want to be free of the problem. Do I want to let go of the fear? Or have I grown comfortable in this place - denying there is a problem, being "strong", putting up walls in a weak attempt to keep the world from seeing the truth.
My Mom knew something was up. I went from calling her every couple of days and writing almost daily, to no contact at all. All of my co-workers and friends saw through my facade. Nobody was fooled except me. I was fooling myself into believing that I was okay, when I wasn't.
We make excuses, we hide.
But today God brought everything to light. He showed me my fears. He showed me how they all built upon each other, and how my fear grew until I couldn't speak. I couldn't sleep. And I became a walking zombie that disintegrated into a puddle of tears in the middle of church today.
And you know what? That is okay!
Today I confronted those fears. I acknowledged them. I felt them. And they are really scary things! I have every right to be scared. I would be stupid if I didn't feel some sort of fear now and then. But I cannot let it paralyze me. I can't let fear make me withdraw from society. I can't let fear rob me of sleep, or tie up my tongue and hold my words hostage so I can't even remember the names of my friends.
It took a while. In fact I may not be done yet. But I am in the process of crying out those fears. And talking about them to friends and family. I'm sure I will even admit them to some of my co-workers tomorrow.
Then I will have to face reality. Am I cut out to live alongside of these things which are so scary? Can I find that delicate balance, where fear doesn't control me, yet I make wise decisions?
If I believe God called me here, which I sincerely do, then I have to figure out how much of this is in my hands and how much of it I need to turn over to Him. My mind knows the correct answer is to turn it all over to Him, but He also created us to have free will, which means I have to make my own decisions. That is where the delicate balance comes in. When does walking boldly without fear become unwise?
Today at church I cried out to God. I told him, "I don't want to walk in fear!" "I don't want to walk in fear!!" Over and over those words repeated themselves in my mind as I picturing myself outside my office at work. No matter how hard I prayed, I still felt fearful when I imagined myself there.
At the end of the service Pastor Paysen invited anyone who wanted to let go of their fears to step to the front of the church. He and Pastora Ruth both prayed over me. Pastora Ruth prayed that I would find God's peace, yet peace escaped me.
Finally, after both had prayed for me and nothing was fixed, I fell to my knees. I told God, "I can't live like this anymore! I can't walk in fear. I don't want to walk in fear!"
Suddenly, before my mind even realized what happened, I was back in front of my office. And the words in my mind quickly changed. I didn't consciously change them, but they changed. Actually ONE word changed.
I went from walking in fear to walking in FAITH.
As soon as that one word changed, a peace came over me that I haven't felt in weeks. Fear was gone. Faith took its place. Walking in faith. I will walk in faith...
I bent over and put my head to the ground, thanking God for the peace that flowed over me with His promise. All I have to do is walk in faith.
The rest of the church disappeared and I had a special time with God, praising Him and thanking Him for all He does for me and all He will do for me if I walk in faith.
I was in a daze for a while afterward. But I had a good talk with Pastor Paysen. He assured me I am back on track. Now I need to walk the walk.
Pastor Paysen also told me I should ask for your prayer. So, please keep me in prayer. I assure you, I am not in immediate danger. Things just kind of built up with lots of crazy things going on around me, and it got to me. Don't be scared for me. Just pray for God's continued protection. He has protected me for almost four years. He's not going to suddenly stop now.
Thank you for your support!
