What didn't hit me yesterday slammed me over the head today. I really thought the team had left and maybe I had expressed my sadness about their leaving to them, instead of feeling it after they left. But in reality it took an extra day to sink in.
This morning I was sad. I didn't want to get out of bed. I felt like by body was glued there. Finally when I did get up I didn't feel like showering, which was good because the power went out and I could have been left soapy with no warm water. My kitchen was flooded, which has never happened before. Yesterday afternoon was really hot. It hasn't been that hot in over a month. And then it rained and didn't let up until after dawn.
As I left for the church Fany said good bye. She said she was going out of town and my heart sunk more. If I had a bad day, and it felt like I was going to, I would have nobody here when I got home. I drove away feeling blue, you might say. Whatever that means.
As soon as I got out of my car Eunice started asking me. "Where is your smile? Where is the smile that you had last week?" I couldn't work one up for her. I'm sure she thinks I'm bi-polar.
The kids were full of hugs which made it better. I was happy that 2 new girls showed up and they say they are going to come every day. They were in my class and spoke out a lot as we talked about faithfulness and loyalty. They would be great additions to that morning class, which generally can be very shy.
Last week because the team was here, all of the mothers who occasionally help came out of the woodwork. Today there was Belinda, me, and one mother. (Ana was at home, still sick from a cold she got last Thursday.) I wonder how many mothers will show up tomorrow when the next team comes?
The good news is that I had some quality time with that one mother. She is Clara. She is the one who had Leukemia and was supposed to die but she stopped all treatment and God healed her completely. I was in the kitchen with Luis when I saw Clara sitting by herself eating lunch, so I went out to sit with her. Only Jired showed up for my afternoon class so I told him he was free to go and had a nice long talk with Clara.
I could feel God guiding the conversation. It was very pleasant and positive overall.
She told me that she is a much different person than she used to be. When faced with death, she said, you reflect on your life. As she was reflecting she believed that if she died her children would not have good memories of her as a mother. (I can't imagine that is really true, but that is how she felt.)
I knew her children missed her a lot when she was hospitalized. I spoke with one of her daughters, Karla, who was really struggling at that time. Some people thought Karla should be by her mother's side at the hospital. But Karla was in the middle of exams and trying to finish school. She felt confused because she was being told she was selfish for not being with her mother. I asked what her mother wanted.
Clara stopped me at that point and said, "I told her I wanted her to go to school. I didn't want her to lose a whole year of school because I was in the hospital. I would have felt really guilty and there was nothing she could do for me. I had food and a good bed to rest in. I told her to only come on Saturdays and Sundays."
That's exactly what Karla had told me at the time, so my advice to Karla was to do as her mother asked. If there was really nothing she could do at the hospital, she needed to focus on her studies as best as she could. But Karla got a lot of flack for that from other people.
This led Clara and me to talk about Honduran culture. I told her that in the US people respect the family structure and don't butt in to another family's business. If a parent makes a decision for their family, people outside the family don't normally try to undermine the parent. In Honduras I see the mothers criticizing the parenting of other mothers a lot. The child is not talking, or walking, or eating like others think it should be. Babies are carried too much, nursed too long, and spoiled. It is always the mother's fault.
In Honduras you don't know who is your friend and who is not. Clara said that last week someone asked her who is her best friend. Clara said she doesn't have one. She said she can't trust anyone. I said that I have spoken with ladies from all walks of life in Honduras who tell me the very same thing. They feel lonely and don't have anyone they can trust. I think this is very sad, but extremely common here. Almost every woman I know in Honduras has mentioned that they have nobody, or sometimes one person they really consider a true friend. Clara said that she has several people she spends time with but she knows they talk about her behind her back. I have certainly experienced that too.
People tend to be quick to criticize but not so quick with words of encouragement. I said we need to build each other up instead of tearing each other down.
I told Clara that even the team who visited for only 5 days from the US noticed the envy within the mothers at Buen Provecho. They didn't give names or even an example of what was being spoken of, but they could see that two mothers were talking negatively about another.
The saddest part is, we are within the church. We are adults who are supposed to be role models for the kids. We are not a team. We are not the best role models we can be. We are a bunch of broken individuals.
Clara said all of the ladies need to have a lesson about this. Then we both laughed. A lesson? We already know right from wrong. We don't need a psychologist to sit down with us and teach us that gossip and disrespect is wrong. We just need to choose to do what is right and not to do what is wrong.
I suggested to Clara that the two of us could be different. We could hold each other accountable. If we heard the other fall into gossip we could say to each other, "Hey. Stop that." So we made a deal. Clara and I decided that we will not gossip or say negative things about others. If one of us finds the other engaging in that behavior, we will hold each other accountable.
She said we will be the first two and hopefully the others will follow. I said I hope one day we can be the strong team God wants us to be. He wants us to be united and strong. To have each other's backs instead of talk behind each others backs. To be happy for each other when one person receives a blessing instead of envious.
Clara said our goal is to be "Las Poderosas". (The Powerful) I think that sounds great. I am happy I went to sit by Clara for lunch. Call me a hopeless dreamer, but I have a little more hope for the future after that talk. We'll see...
