I am exhausted. More mentally than physically. I am so thankful for the few people I have learned are worthy of trust. I am also thankful for God giving me peace in situations when normally I would be upset. One good thing is, I am not staying awake nights dwelling on anything because I am so darn tired.
Ever since I moved here I noticed a difference in what is culturally acceptable as far as gossip. Gossip where I come from is never acceptable. I am not saying it didn't happen. But specifically within my church we were asked to sign a covenant. One of the things on the covenant was that we would have each other's backs. This meant if we heard someone gossiping we would politely ask them to stop. It was a good means of checks and balances because, let's face it, gossip is so easy to fall into.
When I first got to Honduras I felt overwhelmed by gossip. Asphyxiated. It came from places I never imagined. At that time I never thought people gossiped about me. But still, it was rampant. I asked advice of someone and told her that I was accustomed to asking people to stop. She told me that would be rude. I asked if I could leave the conversation. She said that would be rude as well. She told me the best I could do is sit through it until the conversation ended.
After that I got to know a few more people, specifically my landlords in the mountains. I told them I was feeling uncomfortable about gossip. They said that gossip is never allowed around them or in their home. Whew! That felt good to know. I had a new safe place to go where I would not hear or be allowed to gossip.
Of course as time went on, the gossip has come to include me. I also see a lot more talking behind people's backs. It is so ugly. I feel like I am in 8th grade all over again. I have honestly never experienced anything like this in my adult life.
Since I moved here people constantly told me, "You cannot trust so-and-so." But soon the list of people I was told not to trust became so extensive I decided to figure it out on my own. Now that I have had some time to figure it out, it saddens me to see how few people are "walking the walk" here.
If the gossip is not about me it is always someone. For a long time it was about a lady who is one of my closest friends. I honestly have no idea what it is they say about her because one person started to tell me, but I asked them to stop. Recently someone told me they think my friend has changed a lot from the way she used to be, inferring the gossiped about story. I didn't bother to say that I had no idea what they were talking about.
My personal experience with my friend has been nothing but positive. That is why she is my friend. She, also, doesn't tolerate gossip. So we don't talk about all of the stuff that goes on around us every day. We talk about ourselves, our lives, our friendship, what God wants for us. I think it is a healthy friendship.
Other people don't like our friendship. They gossip and say she uses me to buy her things. Little do they know I don't buy her things. I do buy diapers for her daughter. That is all. I also bought her a birthday present, but I do that for all of my friends. In my opinion, it shouldn't matter to anyone else if I choose to buy something for my friend. I don't keep a tally of what others buy for their friends.
My friend and I are excluded a lot. At first it was surprising. Then hurtful. Now it happens so often that I am used to it. I do feel bad for her. We have never discussed it, except sometimes she will ask if I went to a gathering that everyone else was invited to. I just say no and it stops there.
So lately my life has been re-living 8th grade. Eighth grade sucked the first time around. It is a little easier now that I can look around me and understand why people do the hurtful/immature things they do. Some are simply uneducated. Some are insecure. Some are trying to make friends and don't know how in a healthy way. Some are looking for control. I know that.
Maybe this will all blow over. Maybe it won't. Until then I do have people I can trust and I will stick to spending my time with them. Overall I am happy and enjoying my life more than ever - another reason I think I can deal with this in a more healthy way. But today I am tired.
Yesterday I found some comfort in this. It is from a blog by Adam Mosely, who is also a missionary. At the end were hundreds of comments from people all over the world. Many from Honduras, so maybe this is a cultural thing. The blog entry is entitled, "Ten Things a Missionary Won't Tell You". I decided to tell you one:
9. IT’S HARD TO TRUST PEOPLE.
WHAT THEY SAY
I’m just looking for some good strategic partners.
WHAT THEY WANT TO SAY
There are good people here, there really are. But I have seen the worst of humanity in my work here – much of it from people I worked with and trusted. Just when you think you know someone, they stab you in the back, the front, and both sides. I’ve gotten to where I simply don’t trust anyone. My guard is up, and it’s not coming down. I refuse to get burned again. If that means I have to do everything myself, then so be it. - Adam Mosely
Thank God I have not lost trust to the extent Adam has. Or maybe he wrote this on a day when he, too, was feeling really tired. I know I cannot and should not do everything by myself, as he says. Now I know this is a typical feeling that missionaries experience. I am not alone in it. All the more reason to praise God for the people He has placed in my life to support me and also for the way He is guiding me through it. - ML
Thank God I have not lost trust to the extent Adam has. Or maybe he wrote this on a day when he, too, was feeling really tired. I know I cannot and should not do everything by myself, as he says. Now I know this is a typical feeling that missionaries experience. I am not alone in it. All the more reason to praise God for the people He has placed in my life to support me and also for the way He is guiding me through it. - ML
