My teeth are falling out of my head. Or they will be soon.

Tomorrow I leave for the US.  In typical Honduran nature, I don't have my passport.  I'm not worried about it.  The lawyer who is working on my residency goes each month to prove that my residency is in progress.  They stamp my passport and I am allowed to stay an extra month.  (Otherwise I'd have to leave the country every 90 days to get my passport stamped in the US, Mexico or Costa Rica.)  Yesterday I got a frantic call from Eunice.  I never heard her voice so anxious.  She needed some papers.  At first I didn't know what she was talking about, but it turned out that she needed the itinerary for my flight tomorrow to the US and the flight back to Honduras in January.  I was not at home and couldn't get internet so we went to another friend's house.  First everything was fine, then her internet didn't work.  I could hear desperation in Eunice's voice by that point.  The lawyer was standing, waiting in her office, and it was taking me forever to send the papers he needed.  Finally all of the paperwork went through.

Today Jairo explained that the lawyer went the day before yesterday and suddenly they asked him for new paperwork (the itinerary) which they have never needed before.  The lawyer tried to contact Jairo, but Jairo was out fishing so his phone didn't work.  Seems like there is often a new hoop to jump through.  I guess everything got straightened out because I think I would have heard something by now but legally yesterday was the last day I should be in the country.  Maybe I am an illegal alien.

Yesterday my friend Raquel had business downtown.  Since she was already halfway to my house she invited me to come home with her for lunch and stay until rush hour traffic died down.  We made shrimp and broccoli pasta with garlic and olive oil.  It was yummy!  Raquel prayed over our food.  She thanked God for bringing us together as friends and for letting us be such a great support for one another.  She said she knew our relationship came from God. When she finished I told her it was funny because I wrote an email to a close friend in Salt Lake the day before and said the very same words.  In some ways, Raquel and I are very different.  She likes flashy clothes and high heels.  Her hair and make up are always just right.  I am more "simple" as they say here.  But our hearts are alike.  We are both seeking after God.  And we both really like working with kids.  Raquel works with young girls from 10-15 at the church.  She has a tough group.  I know them because they all come to the Breakfast Program too.

My new friend, Raquel, and me

We chatted the day away.  She speaks only Spanish but that doesn't slow us down.  Last night she told her husband that she was talking to me just like she talks to everyone else and I still understood.  I told them I have been receiving compliments on my Spanish and that people often ask if I'm from Argentina.  Edward, Raquel's husband, laughed.  He explained that the shape of my face, my light skin and my hair could make me appear Argentinian.  He said I should also take it as a compliment because many Honduran men consider Argentinian women to be very beautiful.  Then he added that he, personally, prefers darker skinned woman - his wife.  :)

I got to see Raquel's house and we visited her neighbor, Keila, another lady from the church, when we needed the computer.  Keila has a daughter a little bit older than Laura.  Being around Keila's daughter made me miss Laura.  We had coffee and talked for a while.  Then we went back to Raquel's house where she showed me her wedding photos.  Not only were they beautiful, they were also funny.  Raquel was married seven years ago so all of the younger people have changed a lot.  The wedding appeared to have been an amazing event.

By the time we were done looking at pictures, rush hour traffic was over.  Raquel and Edward drove me back up into the mountains.  It was a long ride.  Probably about an hour from her house to mine.  We told Edward about something we had seen on the highway as we were leaving the city that morning.  It was very odd.  A big truck had stalled in the middle of the highway, so traffic was jammed.  Suddenly we looked next to us and there were four men wearing black ski masks perched on each of the four corners in the back of a pick up truck.  They were dressed in black from head ( literally) to toe, with bullet proof vests.  They were all pointing their machine guns at an older man, about 55, who was sitting on the bed of the truck with his back against the cabin.

Raquel said, "How sad that he is being arrested in front of all of these people in a traffic jam."  I asked her how she knew they were really police.  The pickup truck was unmarked.  None of them had anything identifying them as police.  I asked if we were headed in the direction of a jail.  She said no, we were headed out of town.  When we told the story to Edward I said it was really confusing because I couldn't tell who were the good guys and who were the bad guys.  I assumed it was a kidnapping.  But Raquel assumed it was the police.  Edward admitted that these days, either Raquel or I could be right.  I told Edward I didn't look at them very long once I saw what was going on because I didn't want them to shoot me!  He said that I don't have to worry because I am a gringa.  He asked if I've ever noticed there is lots of bad news in the papers, but bad things don't happen to outsiders, especially from the US, because there would be too much pressure and (in a country where 90% of murders are never solved) they would find the people who did it.  He said in reality I am well protected here because everyone knows that my country will get to the bottom of things if anything were to happen to me, so I am lucky to be North American.  I said in that case, I don't want people to think I am Argentinian!  I am going to wear a tee shirt that says "I am gringa!"  and put stickers all over my car saying "Gringa!" "Gringa!".  Raquel and Edward were laughing because in many cases it is easier for me not to be from the US.  In Honduras, as in many other countries, North Americans have acquired a negative stereotype.  Because of that, I never imagined myself going out of my way to say that I am North American.  But maybe I need a little sign - not "Baby on Board", but "Gringa on Board".

My stuff is all packed to go to Colorado tomorrow.  Really I didn't have much to pack.  I have no clothes that will serve me well in the snow.  My Mom and I have plans to hit up Ross and TJMaxx for some socks and warm clothes on Friday.

Today I went to the dentist.  Walter's girlfriend, Reina, opened her own clinic.  It is really nice.  She did it all herself.  She has all of the things any dentist's office in the US would have.  I had told her that I needed an exam so she called Lourdes last night and invited me to come in today - her second day in business.  There was another man in the hall, waiting for an appointment as I left.  I think she will do well.

In my whole life I have had one cavity.  But I was concerned about my teeth because after I was here a few years ago, visiting only for three months, my dentist asked what I was doing differently because my teeth were a mess.  He said since I am not using tap water to brush that I need to make sure my mouth is very wet or the toothpaste doesn't work as well.  And he found the first cavity I have ever had in my life.  I have now been in Honduras for nine months.  I last visited my dentist in the US in March.  At that point we knew I was leaving, so he did a thorough exam.  However, today Reina showed me that I have ELEVEN cavities.  I totally freaked out.  I couldn't believe it!  She went and got a mirror and showed me the ones that I was able to see.  She was right!  I have little dark spots on the sides of my teeth.

I have been complaining to everyone about how much sugar they use here.  At the Breakfast Program they add sugar to Lipton Iced Tea mix or to Tang.  A long time ago I asked if they realize those things are already mostly sugar.  They said yes, but the kids like it better this way.  They add sugar - not a pinch, but a cup or two - to spaghetti sauce.  When I questioned that I was told tomato sauce (Hunts in a jar) is too acidic, so you need the sugar to take away the acid.  And soda.  I have never been a soda drinker.  I water down my juice so it's more than half water!  But at every get together and at most people's homes, if you are offered a drink, it is soda.  I vow I will not drink soda anymore.  And I will be more faithful about brushing my teeth at night.  I eat more sweets here too.  Not anymore.  I cannot afford to have eleven cavities every nine months.  My poor teeth!  Luckily the visit cost on $25 US dollars.  Each cavity will cost $22.  I can't afford to have them fixed right now, but later - a few at a time.  I feel sick to think I have eleven cavities.  I told Walter that although I love Honduras, my teeth don't like it at all.  I was also wondering if possibly this could be related to my hair falling out.  Aren't hair and teeth related?

Anyway, everything is great except my teeth.  I am looking forward to visiting my family in Colorado for two weeks.  Today when Jairo came back from fishing he gave me a big hug and said, "We are going to miss you when you are gone."  I am not lonely here any more.  I am making good friends and I have a lot of support.  Oh - and I was called on stage at church last Sunday by Jairo and Ethel, the head of the elders.  They presented me with a plaque from the church and a certificate from the Breakfast Program.  They thanked me for my hard work.  Ethel told the church that since the preschool class started it went from 8 to over 20 kids.  They prayed for my safe travels over Christmas and thanked me for serving here.  I felt very honored and appreciated.

Ethel telling the church how the Breakfast Program has grown and that I will return after Christmas to continue to serve.

Final Countdown

I am headed for Colorado in two days.  I can't say I'm headed home, because if I had a home in the US I guess I would say it is Salt Lake.  But my brother, mother, cuñada and nephews live in CO, so that is where I am going.  I hope to have enough money to be able to go to Utah for a week when I go home in June.  I miss my friends there.

Yesterday I was taking out the garbage and I realized I will miss this place when I am gone.  I think I will be excited to come back.  Everyone here keeps asking why I'm only going for two weeks.  Mostly it's because I have a cat here.  Two weeks is the longest I feel comfortable leaving her in someone else's care.

They also tell me to relax and enjoy my vacation.  Yeah, right.  I have so much to do I'll be lucky to get it all done in 2 weeks.  I have to take care of tax stuff while I'm there, sign a bunch of legal forms, do a ton of shopping (with no money - that should be really fun), spend quality time with family, and somewhere along the way find my Christmas spirit.

I am excited about one thing.  Usually I don't really like New Years Eve.  I used to either work, or stay home to avoid drunk drivers on the roads.  But this year I am looking forward to ringing in the new year with a friend from high school, his wife and family.  We haven't seen each other since the mid-eighties.  They just moved to Colorado 6 days ago from Germany.  He is in the military.  I am looking forward to catching up and spending some quality time with them.

When I get back the house should be in full working order, with electricity upstairs, running water downstairs and a few other last adjustments complete.  Looks like I will not be betting cable or internet in this house.  It is so remote there are only two companies who service this area and their prices are outrageous.  Lourdes said I am welcome to come by their house whenever I need internet and there is internet at the church.  But this will definitely change my blogging habits.  Usually I spend a couple hours in the evening working on this blog.

I am hoping to have a car soon after I get back.  Jairo has been searching since July with no luck.  I am tempted to ask him if we can just go to a dealership.  But he really doesn't want me to spend the extra money I would pay there and I really don't have the money to spend.

Today I am going out to lunch with my friend Raquel.  At some point I will get together with Evelyn Michelle.  She is home, visiting her family on Christmas break from college in the US.  Marcella, my landlord's daughter who is going to take care of Jetty has been fully briefed.  So all I really need to do is put a few things in a suitcase and head out.  Since I don't have many warm clothes here, there is not much to pack.

Quilts!

A few months ago a friend of Jairo's sent boxes and boxes full of canned turkey, bags and bags full of quilts, and buckets and buckets full of candy, lotion and hand sanitizer.  On Friday we had an "invite only" Christmas Feast for the kids of the Breakfast Program.  We gave the kids each a quilt and a goody bag full of candy, lotion and hand sanitizer.  (The canned turkey is long gone, but the kids loved it!)

At the Christmas celebration over 100 kids enjoyed Jairo's steak fajitas, rice, an apple, grapes and a salad.  They are getting accustomed to sit down meals with table clothes and decorations now.  They loved it and were so appreciative.  For many of these kids, this is their first blanket.  How many blankets do you sleep with at night? 

Jose please don't take apart the decorations :)

Anai is excited about her new quilt!

Beautiful Cessia

Anderson is eager to use his new quilt

Lorenzo!  His blanket has a heart, so he can always remember he is loved.

Our Christmas decorations.  Jairo calls it an African theme :)
Boats, Frogs, Turtles, Giraffes, and a giant burro
all hand painted by the kids!

Where to start?

Today was a really great day for me.  But it was also a day where the ugliness of living in the deadliest city on earth seemed all too real.  Don't worry.  I did not personally have any near death experiences.

Last night I was invited for dinner with my new landlord.  She and her husband and I stayed up until 11 p.m., getting to know each other better.  The nice thing is, the more I know them, the more I like them.  We have a lot more in common than I imagined.  Carlos likes a lot of outdoor things and Hermida is into health and exercise.  I am hoping to talk Carlos into helping me plant a garden in the spring.  Hermida and I made plans to hang out again on Saturday, but they made it clear that I am always welcome to visit.

Morning came quickly.  I slept well but it was cold!  One of those nights where you put your head under the blankets and you wonder if your feet will ever get warm.

At the Breakfast Program Lourdes and I designated a quilt, which we received as donations, for each child.  They are beautiful quilts.  We had over 100, which is good because today at the Breakfast Program we fed 95 kids.  Tomorrow we will have a Christmas/End of the Year party.  Each child will receive their quilt, a cup and a special meal which Jairo and I shopped for today.

I loved choosing the right quilt for each kid.  The quilts were different sizes and textures.  Jose is always dirty, so he got a darker one.  Lorenzo's quilt was my favorite.  Lourdes chose it, but I couldn't have chosen any better.  It is gorgeous shades of brown with one patch that had a red heart sewn on.  Lorenzo, the boy who can never get enough love, will now sleep with a heart on his blanket.  If his parents don't sell it.  I asked Lourdes if I can write Lorenzo's name on the heart.  Then at least if his parents sell it, everyone will always know the rightful owner.  I am going to tell him that the heart signifies the love that God and all of us at the church have for him.  I'm pretty sure he gets no love, or even any attention at home.

Lourdes corralled the kids into a "reunión" while the rest of us counted the kids and cooked and plated the food.  We ran out of cups and forks.  Since tomorrow is the last day of the Breakfast Program until January, we were trying to use up all of the food.  We were successful.  After all of the kids and cooks were fed, there was not a drop left.

Lourdes, Don Juan and the kids have been working on the garden a lot lately.  We got a big donation of ceramic animals.  Lourdes really enjoys painting them.  Crafts are not my thing, so I haven't been helping much except to tell them how wonderful everything looks.  Right now we have a burro, boats, giraffes, frogs, turtles, and I'm not sure what else, living in the garden.  They painted pine cones and put them in a tree.  As I left they were stringing lights.  We are hoping the animals don't get stolen before everyone has a chance to enjoy them.  They will be very tempting to grab on the way out of the church.

On the way home we tried to get tickets for Lourdes to go to a concert.  This morning she learned that one of her favorite musicians/poets is performing tonight.  It turned out that the tickets were sold out and being sold by scalpers at double the face value, so she didn't get to go.  She said she was fine with that because if God wanted her to be there, He would have made sure she had a ticket.  The concert started at 8 pm, so she figured it was probably wise for her to be at home and not out late at night anyway.

We stopped at a mall to see if the ticket agencies had anything left but they didn't, so we did some window shopping.  Everyone else grabbed some pupusas from the food court for dinner, but I have left overs that need to be eaten tonight so I just got a liquado, which is like a milkshake without the ice cream.  The man at the liquado place asked where I was from.  I told him the United States.  FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY it was explained to me why people are confused when I say I am from the US!  This has been happening since June and I could never figure it out.

Last night when I was talking with Carlos and Hermida, Carlos commented that I have a great accent.  I told him that is very funny to me because when I lived in the US, my friends who only speak English made fun of me when I spoke Spanish.  They said I was saying Spanish words but with an English accent.  I also told Carlos about the times Alexis Pacheco has complimented my accent, but I thought he was joking.  Last night, after talking to Carlos, it finally sunk in that my Spanish  might actually be pretty decent.  This morning I saw Alexis and told him that I had mentioned him in conversation last night.  When he asked why I told him it was about my accent.  He explained that most North Americans are not able to pick up the accent the way I do and that he loves the way I speak.  Then this evening the man at the liquado place said that he expected me to be from a different country within Central America, or possibly South America because my accent is "bien suave" (really soft).  Wow!  What a compliment!  He said if I spend another six months here I will be Latina.  :-)

I am surrounded by people who speak great English, but believe that their English is not very good.  I guess it only makes sense that I would believe my Spanish is not as good as other people think.

While we ate (and I drank my liquado) Jairo told me about Bismar's neighbor being killed last night.  At 8 pm, men broke into a single father's home tied him up in front of his 2 young kids, hung him so if he struggled he would strangle himself, then took gas and set fire to the house.  The man was well liked in the community.  He was never known to bring home any women or do anything but work and care for his kids.  Neighbors cooked for him sometimes, since he was a single father.  In return he would bring them bags of rice or uncooked food to pay them back.  Lourdes and I visited Bismar's house only a few months ago.  To have something like that happen so "close to home" is hard to hear.  No police ever came to the scene.  I asked Jairo why, thinking maybe it had to do with corruption.  Lourdes said that police will not go into that neighborhood.  In Chicago I worked in areas where the police and firemen would not respond.  Now I am doing the same in Honduras.

Jairo also told me that Bismar is really struggling.  Bismar has always been very special to me.  He attends a private Christian school about 3 hours away, which the church pays for with help from sponsors.  His father has been dying of cancer for a while.  The last time I was there he looked very sick, but I had heard he was getting better.  At Thanksgiving Bismar gave thanks for his father being healed.  Apparently that was more hope than reality.  Recently Bismar's uncles came to take his father home with them.  They told Bismar they have natural medicine.  Everyone cried as he left, knowing they would probably not see him alive again. But Bismar has been hiding in denial.  Today Jairo took Bismar to run some errands.  He told Bismar that Bismar needs to get used to the idea that his father will probably die.  He asked Bismar to consider what he will do if his father passes.  Bismar said that he will stay in school.  He understands that in the long run, that is how he can help his family best.  Jairo reminded him that if he drops out he will have no opportunities.  I am praying if/when the time comes, Bismar will stay in school.  I know it will be very difficult for him.

Bismar also shared something with Jairo.  He told Jairo, "I cannot go out on the streets and beg, but our family has no food."  His mother used to sell tortillas.  She is so distraught she is now sick and cannot cook tortillas to sell.  His older sister is fighting with the family and ran away.  Yesterday his older brother and his mother were arguing to the point that his brother almost hit his mother.  Bismar is the youngest.  He doesn't know what to do.  He is watching his family fall apart.

Jairo gave Bismar food from the church and money for some more food.  With Bismar, we know that the money will be used wisely.  I will try to find ways to help Bismar too.  I have never known such an exceptional boy, so completely devoted to God, his studies and his family.

Bismar and me when I gave him "The Places You'll Go"

Lourdes and I talked about how things like this make us look at our own lives and our families and truly thank God for the way we are blessed.  Sure, sometimes things are tough for us.  But when we look at our own lives compared to the burdens that others have to bear, we can't help but thank God and be grateful.

Oh, Lourdes also told me that I need to get a haircut before I go home for Christmas.  I had been hesitant when my hair was falling out.  But that seems to have stopped within the past 10 days.  I told her I agree.  I need to get a haircut because my Mom will have a fit if I go home looking like this.  She said good, because if I had said no she was going to force me to get a haircut anyway.  She has even decided what style would be good for me.  See how well I am cared for here?    :)

Happy Days Are Here Again

As I hoped, this move has given me the change I needed.  I have been without internet, cable and electricity in most outlets.  That gives a person time to reflect.  What I concluded is that I went through some rough times, but in the end I have come out stronger and knowing myself better.  My joy and gratitude are back, as is my smile.  I am happy in the same way I was for the first 6 months I was here.  I don't think this is fleeting.  I will face difficulties again.  But next time I will try not to keep them to myself and fight them alone.  I will reach out sooner for prayer and advice.

Friday night I stayed up late packing in order to be ready for Jairo to help me move Saturday morning.  However, Jairo was sick in bed all day Saturday.  The man who never rests was laid out flat.  So Walter showed up with the van full of older boys.  At first I was wondering how we would fit my stuff in with all of those boys, but everything went really smoothly.  Marvin, a member of the church, used his pick up truck for bigger items.  By 2 p.m. we had everything moved.  Lourdes and my new landlord, Hermida, helped me unpack and organize.  By 5:30 p.m I was all settled in.  As Hermida said, "The house has life."

Hermida took me with her that evening while she got her hair done.  Then we went shopping.  First we got groceries.  Then we attempted to shorten the list of things I needed for my new home.  She drove me all over the city until all of the stores were closed.  Each time I found something I liked, it was so expensive I could not bring myself to pay for it.  In Honduras you can find almost everything you need, but paying for it is another story.  

I came home with one thing.  It is a doorstop that I was going to use for my balcony door.  I chose the last one.  When we got to the cash register to pay, Hermida asked the man if there were any more because she would like to buy one for herself.  There were none.  However, Jett has decided that she likes to climb off the balcony.  She climbs through the balcony railings onto the roof that extends below, where she rolls around until I am sure she is going to slide off.  Therefore I cannot leave the door propped open.  She is so clumsy I am afraid she will fall.  Below is a huge cliff.  So Hermida is going to get the doorstop as a Christmas gift.  At  least I know it is something she will like!

During the drive she pointed out things I should know.  Areas that are dangerous.  Good restaurants.  (She likes sushi!)  Places where you should never stop your car, even if you have a flat tire because it is so dangerous.  She said she hopes we will be able to spend time together and get to know each other.  I hope so too.  I like her a lot so far.

Sunday Hermida invited me to a Christmas dinner for her small group at her house.  She and her husband made a marinated pork and a chicken.  There were lots of side dishes and for dessert we had a special Honduran Christmas dish that is kind of like French Toast only baked in sugar cane juice.  I was stuffed but believe me, I made room for that.  And I don't even like French Toast.  It was delicious!  Afterward we talked for a while and let our food settle.  Then we all played games.  Finally there was coffee and a short bible study related to Christmas.  It was an enjoyable time and I felt very welcome.

Monday Jairo dropped me off at my old apartment.  I spent the morning cleaning.  Then Fany and I took Laura and went shopping for the rest of the things on my list.  I got a bathmat and Christmas lights that were on sale so they were 50 cents.  I did NOT get a shower caddy ($30) or a toothbrush holder ($13) or a pack of 6 plastic hangers for $8 or a laundry basket for $35.  Some of those things were at Sears!  Like I said, I could find everything I needed, but I refuse to pay that much money.

Fany's husband, Santos, brought a sofa bed from his mother's house for me.  Nobody in his family wanted it,  so he delivered me and the sofa sleeper home in the evening.  Now I have a sofa for my living room AND it even matches the curtains!!!!  This house is coming together more quickly than I ever imagined.  Fany also gave me a plant and some traditional Honduran decorations.  She is a good friend.  I will miss her a lot.  Turns out she is moving too.  Friday will be her last day in the front house.  She is moving to another city, closer to Santos' job.

Yesterday I went back my regular schedule.  Preschool class was fun.  We played Duck, Duck, Goose (here it is called Pato, Pato, Ganso) and another game that my helpers taught me.  It was a fun one.  One person is the wolf.  The rest of the kids sing a cute song asking the wolf what he is doing.  The wolf answers silly things like, "I am brushing my teeth." or "I am putting on my shoes." until finally the tension is so high that the wolf yells, "I am coming to eat you!"  Once the wolf announces it is coming to eat them, all of the kids scream and run away.  The one that is caught becomes the wolf.  It was perfect for all ages.  We will play that one again.

Memo gave his rubber boots a break today.
Instead he wore his leather jacket.
(It was in the mid 80's)

Today we all got together as a group and prayed.  Lourdes explained in simple terms that the government is falling apart and we need to pray for leadership and for safety.  Basically Congress is corrupt and has taken all of the power from the Supreme Court.  Police, which were already in short supply since 200 were fired for corruption following the kidnapping of a journalist which I wrote about in May (I think) are in even shorter supply.  They are refusing to work because they are being forced to take lie detector tests.  It remains to be seen if the military will take the side of Congress or the Supreme Court.  This is all linked to the primary election.  The man who was declared the winner is the head of congress.  The man who did not win asked for a recount.  I cannot go into details for my own safety, but basically bribes with money that is obtained illegally, are keeping the corrupt people in office.

Please join us in praying for a swift, safe, and proper resolution to this problem.  This is another reason I am happy to be safely tucked away in the mountains.

We have been feeding over 80 kids every day at the Breakfast Program.  I am doing very well emotionally.  My hair seems to be falling out only a tiny bit more than normal, so I am happy about that.  Every night I can sit on my balcony and watch the sunset.  It is quite a view.  I am at the top of one mountain, with the city down below and the sun sets behind another set of mountains.  I feel very blessed to be in this place, with these people, living this life.

View to the left from the balcony.  The grey dirt where the sun hits is my driveway.

A huge mountain to the right.
See my Christmas lights?

With my feet up, as Jairo predicted, watching the sunset over the mountains.

Going off the Grid

Right now I am waiting at the church for everyone to be ready to go to the store.  I need a shower rod.  That is the last of my necessities until I have money to buy things like a dresser and warmer clothes.

I remember when I was about 22 years old I signed my first lease for an apartment.  I was so scared!  In reality, I was making a lot of money as a waitress in a sports bar.  But back then I had never been responsible for my bills all by myself.  I signed the lease in the morning, bought my own bed, and went to work that afternoon to learn that someone (not I!) had been stealing money.  They fired everyone, including me.

I was devastated.  I had rent to pay.  All I had was my cat and my clothes and a new bed I had paid for on a credit card.  I didn't know anyone very well in Chicago.  I had only lived there a few months.  I called home, crying.  My parents asked how much money I had.  I think I had $5.  They asked if I had any food in the house.  "No, "  I sobbed, " And even if I did I don't have any silverware to eat it with!"  It was quite a pitiful scene.

My family ended up helping me out.  I can always count on them.  Later my mom asked if I had eaten.  I told her not yet.  She asked why.  I told her I needed to buy a shower curtain with my last five dollars.  She was in shock.  She thought that was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard.  I tried to explain that it was hot outside and I had carried everything I owned four blocks and up two flights of stairs all by myself.  I was hot and sweaty and I didn't want food, I wanted a cold shower.  She still gives me a hard time about choosing a shower curtain over food.

Tomorrow I will move into my new house.  It will have a shower curtain and beautiful scenery.  But it will not have electricity.  So after tonight I am going off the grid for a while.  The electric company has been saying for two weeks that they will turn on the power, but so far no luck.  However, Jairo still wants me to move tomorrow and get settled into my new house this weekend.  I will finish packing tonight and stock up on candles.  I'm sure, like my biological family, Lourdes and Jairo will not let me starve.

I am excited to put everything in it's place and sit and relax on the balcony!  Tonight after we buy the shower rod I will finish packing, clean the house, and prepare to start moving out in the morning.  If you don't see any posts from me for a while know that I am doing fine.  I'm relaxing in the mountains by candle light for a while :)

God is listening

My Mom said I sound a lot better when I called her tonight, so must be I really am on the mend.

Today we served  about 79 kids at the Breakfast Program.  Since most of them are out of school now we don't have to rush to get them fed before they have to leave, which is nice!  They get more time to play and enjoy themselves.

Lately the little kids are really into Legos.  The preschoolers LOVE riding plastic Hotwheels sort of things.  They wait in long lines to take turns.  I have been impressed at how much their gross motor skills have improved as I watch them on the "bici" (pronounced bee-see).  Even the youngest kids can ride on their own now that we have insisted that the older siblings stay out of the way.

In this community the older siblings are frequently parentified.  Sometimes the younger kids don't know what do to do when the older siblings are gone.  This makes their time in the preschool difficult.   Some have screamed for weeks, wanting to be with their older siblings.  On the other hand, I have noticed that sometimes the older siblings get in the way when they are trying to be helpful.  They do things FOR the younger brother or sister.  In this case, the younger one never gets a chance to learn - whether it be drawing a circle or riding a bike.  We have clamped down on having the older siblings around and it has been great to watch the young ones grow!  The older ones figure it out and are able to cheer on their siblings, rather than do for them.

After all of the kids left I ate a sandwich I brought from home.  Then Jairo announced we were going out to lunch.  Sometimes he will bring food in, but this was a first so I went even though I had already eaten.  We went to a baleada restaurant.  Baleadas are one of my favorite Honduran specialties.  Most people don't make baleadas at home because it takes a special tortilla that most people can't make.  Jairo told me that Lourdes has tried and tried, but they never turn out right.  A baleada is a soft, chewy, doughy tortilla.  Fillings for baleadas vary a lot, but are most often beans or beans and cheese, or beans, cheese and eggs, or beans cheese and sausage.  The place where we went today had a whole page full of different baleadas.  I got beans, cheese and eggs for 21 Lempiras (about a US dollar).  It was the size of a calzone and so yummy!  It's now bedtime and I am still full.

After baleadas we wandered into a used clothing store.  Jairo got a cool waterproof shell.  In the states I bet it would have cost over $100.  He paid $5.50.  I bought an Ann Taylor blouse, which is exactly what I need.  I have nothing long sleeved that looks nice.  It was the equivalent of $6!  I was so happy with my bargain shopping!

Afterward Lourdes said we were going shopping for me at a mall.  I asked what we were buying.  She said curtains.  HA HA HA!  I am telling you, this woman is a curtain fanatic!  But it is great for me, because now when I spend my first night in my new house in the mountains I will be able to sleep past 5:30 a.m. without the sun waking me up.  We shopped for curtains until I had a headache and Lourdes could barely walk.  Turns out Jairo is a very good curtain shopper.  While Lourdes and I got frustrated over matching lengths and colors, Jairo ended up picking out exactly what I liked.  Lourdes had some creative ideas to help make the room more dark without paying for "black out" curtains.

I have no living room furniture, no table for my tv, no dressers or drawers for bathroom items, but I HAVE CURTAINS.  I have kitchen curtains, living room curtains and bedroom curtains, a shower curtain and a bathmat.  I love them!  They are very nice.  As I got ready to pay Jairo separated them from some other things he was purchasing and said, "The church is paying for these."  I was so surprised!  It was a lot of curtains.  After we left the store he asked, "Are you happy?"  I said yes, I am very happy.  I am excited to move into my new house and hang up my curtains.  (Jairo seems to be checking in with me more since I talked with him a few weeks ago about all of the things that were bothering me.  I appreciate that very much.)

I got Christmas lights to hang off the balcony.  At 50 cents I figured they were a steal and I need to have something Christmas-y in my new place.  I am excited to be all settled in there.  I hope Jetty adjusts well.  I think she will.  She doesn't get easily flustered.

Well, I have to pack and clean the house in hopes that the electricity will be turned on in my new house tomorrow so I can move Saturday.  Just wanted you to know that in general, I am feeling better.  Still have moments of self doubt or interpreting something the wrong way.  But I am able to recognize those moments more quickly and easily now.  I would say I am doing well at my goal of increasing my joy and appreciation.  I am praying a lot for myself and for the situations that are hurting me.  I can tell that God is listening.

On the mend

Today was a better day.  I got a bunch of laundry done before Lourdes and Walter came to pick me up.  That was important because once I move to the mountains my clothes will probably smell musty a lot.  I will live just outside of a rain forest and it is cold this time of year.  That makes it hard to get clothes, especially bedding and towels, dry.  I want everything to be fresh and clean to start with when I move.

Eunice had me write all of the Christmas cards from the Iglesia en Transformación for people in the US.  That was fun.  I never imagined I'd be writing the Christmas card from Honduras to my church in the US, but here I am!

Jairo told me that he and his family stopped and saw my new house last night.  He said it is incredible!  Joss said the way they did the lighting is really cool and they even made a path of plants for me.  I love plants!  The only thing left to do is for electricians from the city to turn on the electricity.  Then my new house will be ready for me to move in.

My new landlord called today to say she would send me the rental agreement.  She seems very excited about me moving in.  Lourdes has already counted all of the windows.  I remember when I was here in 2009  Lourdes was concerned about Walter's house having curtains.  Now she is thinking about my house having curtains.  It is so nice of her to care about these things.  I feel special that Lourdes is thinking about my curtains.  I haven't felt special in too long.

When we first discussed the idea of me moving, I told Jairo that I love the house, but for some reason I couldn't imagine myself there.  Jairo said when he visited last night he saw what a beautiful house it is, but he also took the time to see if he could imagine me there.  He was so excited.  He said he can see me sitting on the balcony.  I told him yes, I would like a hammock for the balcony.  He said he sees me in a chair with my feet kicked up, reading, writing, looking at the amazing view over the mountains,  listening to the birds and watching the squirrels run by.  He said he can see me walking on the paths through the woods.  I trust his opinion.  All of those things are things I will enjoy.

Lourdes is going to let me borrow a table for my tv, so now I'll have a tv, a tv stand, a bed, and maybe a kitchen table if it fits in the living room.  Yes.  The living room.  I have no living room furniture, so we are hoping that somehow we can fit the dining room table into the living room.  I am hoping to find a cheap nightstand soon and a shower curtain even sooner.

I have loved living in the city but at this point I am ready for a new start.  For the past few weeks I have been struggling.  Yesterday and today I finally feel like maybe I am finding happiness again.  Since I opened up to them about the way I was feeling,  Lourdes and Jairo are working hard at supporting me in every way they can.

I've started packing.  I am looking forward to being settled in the new home in the mountains.  Jairo talked to me about the fact that I will have to be patient and prioritize my needs in the new place, but it will all be worth it.  He seems to be as excited as I am.  Jairo says the mountains are his refuge.

The plan is for me to move in on Saturday as long as the electricity is hooked up.  Tomorrow Jairo will look for a car for me.  Signing a lease and maybe buying a car - all in one week.  It's a lot to take on all at once, but I am up for it!


Today I brought all of the makings for the adults' lunch at the church.  We waited until all of the kids were gone and everyone could sit and relax.  Then Marlin helped me make lunch for her family, the Sarmientos, Don Juan, Walter Z., and Eunice.  Even though Marlin did the cooking everyone told me how good it was and that they really liked my cooking.  I appreciated that they acknowledged my efforts, even though it was more Marlin's work.  I know everyone has seen me struggling to fit in with the other women in the kitchen.  Cooking is so different here.  I still have a lot to learn.  I thanked Marlin for her help and made sure I cleaned up all of the mess.  There were leftovers for Marlin to take home.  I happily accepted the praise even though it wasn't fully due to me because honestly, I needed it.

It is amazing how much the kids have helped me through this time.  Their hugs every morning fill me.  Their smiles heal my pain.  Their joy brings me joy.  Thank God for the kids of the Breakfast Program!  I think I am on the mend.

Lourdes' Birthday

Lourdes with her surprise birthday cake

Lourdes and me!

Today we celebrated Lourdes' birthday.  At the Breakfast Program the kids and parents brought her very thoughtful gifts.  The kids came with the beautifully decorated cards for her full of prayer and blessings for Lourdes and her family.  In the afternoon her discipleship group, Don Juan and I surprised Lourdes with a cake.  She loved it!  She said she loves surprises.  I think it was a very special day for Lourdes, full of hugs and love.

In the evening I was invited to join the family for a birthday dinner.  It is also Lourde's son, Aaron's birthday. We enjoyed a nice meal, had a lot of laughs, Aaron chose turtle cheesecake and the servers all sang a very energetic birthday song to Lourdes and Aaron.  It was a wonderful day.

New Phase

It has been weeks since I have written anything.  My Mom has said for years that she can tell how I am doing because when things get me down I don't call her as often.  I guess I don't blog either.

In the case of my blog, I have been given feedback in the past that if I have a bad day I should keep it to myself because people might lose faith in me, or might even think that I am leaving Honduras.

Let me be clear.  I am not leaving Honduras.  God has called me here.  That calling has not wavered at all.  The Breakfast Program is growing in leaps and bounds.  For more than 8 months I have been EXTREMELY happy here.  I know that I can be happy again.  I am just struggling for the moment.

When I worked with teen aged boys in a lock down facility in Utah, sometimes we would get a new boy who was so perfect we would wonder why he was there.  All the staff would wonder what we would see in him when his "Honeymoon period" was over, and he showed his true colors.  For every boy, eventually, the honeymoon would end and we would start to see things they had not shown us before.  At that point we were finally able to work with them, help them, understand them, and treat the problems that put them in a lock down facility.

I think I am in a similar situation.  My honeymoon period here is over.  Little things that I had never noticed before started to bother me.  Then I noticed bigger things.  At that point I reached out to friends, family and my church for prayer.  Eventually it built up to a point where I was really shut down and decided I didn't want to trust anyone or talk to anyone.  I am grateful that quickly I realized that was not healthy and only hurt me more.

Two Mondays ago I sat down with Jairo and explained how I was feeling and why.  He listened earnestly.  He pointed out which things I would have to learn to deal with, giving me ideas of how I can handle them better.  He acknowledged where mistakes had been made by others and even apologized for some of those things.  He assured me that I am wanted and well like here.  He also let me know where my own insecurities were causing me to misinterpret things.  Afterward I felt much better, and with time things have definitely improved.

There have been a few incidents that caused me to slide back into mistrust, but Jairo and Lourdes have lifted me up and supported me through those times.  Thank God for them, and for the friends and family who have been praying for me.

To summarize, I have learned that most missionaries at the six month point begin to struggle.  I am no different.  Things are not so shiny and new anymore.  I don't find joy in the simple things as often as I used to.   Everything doesn't feel like such an amazing adventure.  I have been assured by other missionaries that this is completely normal.  I do not like the new attitude I see in myself and am working to be more grateful and joyful.

This weekend I will move to my new home in the mountains.  I have made a new friend in the past week and shared quality time with old friends.  I think I am at a turning point and things will get better from here.

Several people have quoted Jeremiah 29:11-13 to me.  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  Today while Lourdes, Jairo, Eunice and I were talking in the kitchen, Jairo gave me a hug and told me that I am going to be surprised by the amazing things God has in store for me.  Jairo said God has really BIG things for me.  I just need to wait.  He always has a sense about these things.

So I am holding on.  The honeymoon period is over.  Every day is not perfect anymore.  I can't expect it to be.  I hope that you will support me in prayer and understand that I am human.  I don't like to disappoint people, so this was hard for me to share.  But I fully believe that God DOES have good things in store for me and I will find them if I continue on His path.

Thank you for your understanding and grace.  I hope you will continue to walk with me as this new phase begins and I settle into REAL LIFE in Honduras.  I have been told by a good source that I will be surprised by big and amazing things that God has in store for me.  Can't wait to share them with you!