Choices

When I woke up this morning it felt like a normal day.  I had lots of things to look forward to - a going away party for Lourdes, special lunch, and a trip to the mall.  However, as I got into the car suddenly I came under a horrible spiritual attack.  For most of the drive I was close to tears and my heart hurt.  I was doubting myself and my ability to serve in the church.  I made plans (in my head) to move back to the US in December.  I thought about who would buy my car.  I decided between Salt Lake and Colorado as my new home.  (Salt Lake won.)  Thought about what sort of jobs I might qualify for since I am now bilingual.  Figured out how to tell others that I was leaving.  Everything seemed to fall into place easily as I drove down to the church.  I would just move back to the US and not have to feel like this anymore.

But at the same time that I was making all of these huge plans, I knew that my calling to serve the Lord in Honduras had not diminished in the slightest.  He still wants me here.  My feelings were telling me one thing (that nobody wants me here, that I'm not doing a good job, that I'm all alone) but my mind knew these were all lies.  I knew that it might be easy to leave, but that it was not the path God wants for me and that in the end my life would be very, very difficult.

I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a cake for Lourdes.  In the parking lot before I got out of the car I texted a friend in the US and asked for prayer.  I told her I knew clearly that I was not supposed to leave, but I didn't know what else to do.

As I pulled into the entryway to the church I heard a horrible noise.  I stopped the car and jumped out.  There was a huge rock in the middle of the driveway.  I hadn't even seen it there!  That rock felt like one more sign - the entrance to the church was literally blocked.  How much more clear could it be that I wasn't wanted there?  I knew I was in a horrible battle as I squatted in the road trying to move that rock.  Cars honked and people yelled things out their window.  I could not lift that rock.  It was so heavy.  But finally I was able to roll it out of the driveway.

As I pulled into the church and parked, Violet and Milagro ran over and crawled into the car to hug me.  I could feel their love breaking through the ugliness that was trying to overcome me.  Then I headed for the kitchen, thinking about how I would tell Belinda that I planned to leave in December.  Ana and Marlin were the only ones in the kitchen.  Ana turned around when she saw me and said, "Wow!  You look beautiful!  You look like a real Honduran woman.  I don't even see you as a North American at all anymore."  For some reason those were exactly the words I needed to hear.  They don't sound as awesome now as they did to my ears in that moment.  It was like God said to me, "This is where I want you to be and you fit in here."  I burst into tears, which freaked out Ana and Marlin but they both grabbed me and held me as I cried.  I explained that I had been thinking about moving back to the US.  They said, "No!  You can't go!  We love you."  So I cried more.

Afterward I felt better.  I went into the preschool classroom and prayed.  I read more about God's armor, which I have been studying about lately.  Then I put on His armor and left the classroom.

I was worried the feeling might return, and still am.  It was very powerful and it came so quickly.   But the rest of the day was pretty spectacular.  The kids were super sweet.  I got a ton of compliments on my "new look" as everyone called it.  (I had tight pants, a blouse, and a ponytail.)  Don Juan kept saying that I looked like a model.  We had a really nice party for Lourdes with delicious food, great conversation and a tres leches cake.  But a part of me couldn't enjoy the day as much as I should have because I was still scared.

Jacky, Lourdes and Marlin in front
Me, Veronica, Belinda and Ana in the second row

Tonight I asked my landlord if I could talk to her.  She said she could see me right away if I were still in the city but if not we could have breakfast tomorrow.  I told her I have to leave at 7:30 a.m. to serve at the men's conference.  We will talk at some point this weekend.  I need advice about how to avoid this situation, and how to handle it if it does happen again.  All I know to do is pray and ask for prayer.  I am so grateful that through the mental battle I fought this morning, I always knew what was God's truth and what was lies.  I knew the right path.  But sometimes the other way can appear easier.  I don't want to take the easy way.  I want to live the life that God has chosen for me.  Today, I am happy to say, I continue on that path.