I left the meeting with Betsy last week really excited. But soon afterward doubt started creeping in. I marked it up to the fact that sometimes changes can be hard. Starting a new job can be intimidating. However, I know that I am eager to get back to full time ministry and I believe that Jericho could be a good place for me. So the nagging doubt was stronger than I thought it should be.
Yesterday I realized that my heart is still really in Los Pinos, so I reached out to a friend who was working on her own there, but has now joined a group of people who serve in Los Pinos. The friend is someone I don't know well. When I did the vision mapping the woman who helped me said that she just had helped someone who answered almost all of the vision mapping questions the same way I did. She suggested I reach out to the person, but I never really did.
At the retreat a few weeks ago I sat down and talked to her during a lapse in our schedule. She talked about her perspectives on serving and what she is doing in Los Pinos. It was super interesting because the words she used to describe what is important to her and the manner in which she serves are the exact same words I used when I did the vision mapping. Exactly. It blew me away how much we think alike.
She asked for a ride home from the retreat. (God seems to do life changing things when people ask me for rides home from retreats! You might remember that after the retreat in November a friend asked for a ride to her church and that is how I ended up changing churches. We'll see if anything happens this time...) We talked on the way home and then got together a few times briefly afterward. Each time I come home and tell Fany how much I enjoy this person's company and respect what she is doing. Last week she invited me to go to Los Pinos with her, but I was sick. This week I asked if I can go but she is busy with her new partners and said this week is not good. So I asked if we could meet just to talk. And that is what we are going to do tomorrow.
Here is the best part of the story. I went to pray with my friend Carol today. She is someone I can trust to tell me if I am not thinking straight. She said she hasn't seen me this weighed down in a while. I explained that I am confused about whether I am supposed to help at the ministry with Betsy or not and I am allowing myself to feel a lot of pressure about it. God hasn't exactly told me, but it feels like it may not be the right fit. Then I said that I think maybe I am supposed to serve with the other person in Los Pinos. Carol knows the other person and gave me a bunch of good things to think about and ask when I talk to her.
We prayed that God would make it abundantly clear this week if He wants me to serve with Betsy or not.
Then I took Ana to run an errand outside of town. I brought her home and dropped her off at the same bridge where I have dropped her off a million times before. I was all caught up in goodbyes when Ana said to me look, do you see who is there? She pointed over to a boy who was standing half hidden behind the corner of a truck. I had to look several times to be sure. It was Carlos. He stood there staring at me.
The dead look is back in his eyes. He was filthy. His clothes and face were caked with dirt. Caked. And he was sipping on a (you guessed it!) Coca Cola. I walked over and said hello but he didn't speak. He just looked at me with those big, blank eyes like he used to a year ago.
I kept thinking I could break the ice and bring back the boy who had started to smile and talk and laugh. (Last year when I went to the US in July I asked everyone in my home church to pray for Carlos and the prayer worked! He went from those dead eyes and crying and clinging to me, to playing with the other kids and laughing!) But today there was nothing there. Just a dull, glazed over look.
I asked if I could give him a hug and he silently lowered the Coke from where he was carrying it in front of his chest so that it was down by his side. I hugged him and kissed him and told him that I love him. No response.
As I was leaving I realized I had apples in the back of my car, so I asked if he wanted an apple. He slowly nodded his head. I got out, got the bag of apples from the back, and let him choose one. He chose the one on top. It was not the reddest or the biggest. I hugged him and kissed his forehead and told him again that I love him. He turned and walked away. As I left I saw him walking up the street eating the apple. I was happy it was nice and cold. I hoped it tasted delicious to him.
Carlos has always been really special to me. He is one of the kids who God really placed on my heart since I first started working in Los Pinos. To see Carlos at that bridge where I had been a million times, but never seen him before, standing alone, staring at me, made me realize maybe God was talking to me.
When I saw that Carlos was so dirty and is no longer talking or smiling, it seemed that God's message to me was, "Here is a boy you love. He needs help. There is still work here to be done."
I am open to whatever happens this week during our time of prayer. To be honest, I do hope I can find a way to work safely with the kids in Los Pinos. That is what I, as a human, would like. But I know that I don't want to be anywhere that is not in God's plan. So I am praying that He speaks clearly to me and that I am open to receive what He tells me.
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| Carlos before he learned to smile |
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| Carlos when he used to smile, with Rebecca from K2 |
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