The Talk

I started writing this on Saturday:

Today was tough, but very, very good.

I haven't shared this here. I've only talked to Fany and Ana and Karla about this. I needed a Honduran opinion.

Last week Erika called me. The call was for two purposes. Her boyfriend has owed me money since January. So she was calling me to say that he couldn't pay. At the same time she was asking for more money.

I thought about it. I prayed about it. I talked to my Pastor and Pastora about it.

Pastor Paysen asked me, "Do you want to maintain this family?"

My answer came quickly. No. I do not want to maintain this family. I want to support them, but I do not want to maintain them. I cannot maintain them.

My Pastora and I talked about the difference between supporting and maintaining. Erika and her boyfriend and her (now) two kids are constantly in this same position. Erika is blessed by a boyfriend who does his best to work hard. But they still can't make ends meet.

My church offered me a bag of supplemented rice. I pulled out of the driveway to go get the rice and drop it off with Erika. But something didn't feel right. So I parked the car in front of the house and went back inside to talk to Fany.

In the end, Fany and I decided that it was not best for Erika or for me, if I went to get the rice for her family.

I know this can sound cruel. Or selfish. But there is more to the story that I have not shared here. Today I talked to Ana and she said, without knowing what Fany and I decided, "You need to stop! You need to stop!"

Last night, when I asked Karla to pray for my conversation with Erika. Karla said, "You need to put up boundaries."

Understand that my relationship with Erika was founded on the clear premise that I can not provide for material or financial needs. For the first nine months, everything was fine. But in January Erika's boyfriend asked for money. It was the first time Erika ever asked me for anything. It was for uniforms and utensils for the two kids he has with his ex. I admired the fact that he cared about providing for the two kids he has with his ex, and that he was honest with me that the money was not for Erika or her kids. So I said I would not give the money, but I could agree to a loan. We worked out detailed terms for repayment.

Then one of his kids was in the hospital, so he had her ask for another loan the next time I saw them. I knew when I gave the money I should expect to never see it again. I don't often loan money. But if I agree to a loan, I come to an understanding within myself that it could end up being a gift. And it could not get in the way of my relationship with Erika. But it did.

Because then she started asking for things. First it was school books for her brothers. I found a Honduran teacher friend who helped with those. Then it was toothbrushes. Then a birthday cake, then a fan because their bedroom was too hot, then money for an ID card so her boyfriend could find work, work for her sister, work for Erika, a phone, banana bread...

It was always something. And although I am not going hungry, money is really tight because of all the car problems I had for months. Now I need to come up with $3000 for a new(er) car.

So today we had a talk. I reminded her where we began. How our relationship started, that we both agreed this would not be based on financial or material things. I told her I would love to still be part of her life, but as we used to be - spending TIME together.

I gave her a way out. I told her maybe, now that she has a family of her own, and her "mother in law" is a great influence in her spiritual life, Erika does not need me like she did before.

Erika seemed pleased when I recognized the family support she now has. We agreed that she will think it over and come up with ideas about how she would like to move forward. I told her I love her and want to be part of her life, but it is not healthy for either of us to continue in this way. I can't afford to maintain her family, or her parents family, or her in laws family, or her boyfriend's ex girlfriend's family.

As  we talked the words came out even better than I hoped. God gave me words I hadn't thought of saying. They were gentle, yet direct. After our conversation I had peace. Now we will see what Erika decides.

My friend Molly, who has disciple numerous teens, said that every time she had this talk the kids disappeared from her life. Molly said I need to be prepared for that. I hope and pray that Erika will be different.

At first I was feeling guilty, thinking I had done something wrong in our relationship. But in the afternoon I realized that I really hadn't set a bad example. I didn't go and buy any of the things she wanted. I didn't set a bad example by giving and giving. I gave a loan and I found someone else to give them the books. Other than that, I haven't set an example of buying things. So I was able to get past the feeling that I had set a bad example for Erika.

I spent Sunday in bed. Laura woke up vomiting and my stomach was all messed up too. We both had a bunch of odd symptoms that didn't seem to make any sense. But Fany had it a few weeks ago. She said it lasted 10 days!

I was supposed to go to a birthday party for my coworker. But my explosive burps were not very party worthy, so I stayed home. I learned that some of my coworkers and their families have been sick with these strange symptoms since last week. They sent me nice messages throughout the party. I have great coworkers. It was disappointing that I couldn't attend, but awesome that I was invited!

Today Laura is headed for the doctor. I am going to see what the doctor recommends for her. I may go to the doctor too.