A quick note -

Just a quick note -

It's been about seven weeks since I was robbed at gunpoint. I keep meaning to tell you that I think I am back to normal. Or maybe I should say I'm back to feeling like myself, for those who would argue that I've never been "normal". Right after I went to the doctor I stopped feeling so anxious and jumpy. I haven't had any nightmares lately and my sleep patterns are like they used to be.

Also, you may remember that my Chikungunya flared up in the beginning of November. Last week I started feeling better. Since Sunday I am feeling really good with only few aches throughout the day and none of the severe pain. The eye twitch hasn't gone away yet, but that is just an annoyance and a reminder that I need rest during our upcoming vacation. It will go away once my body is stronger.

We finish working on December 16th and start again on January 9th.

Unfortunately, I am not able to go home for Christmas this year. I'm still saving money toward a newer car. My car has been in the shop twice this month alone. I am frustrated and a little bummed out about the whole situation. I feel like my car is a ticking time bomb. Every time I get into it, something else falls apart.

Yesterday I sat down with my boss to ask if there is any possibility that I could be paid, even just a little, by the organization where I serve. I explained the car situation. She said she understands because her car was "bleeding money" last year.

She would like to be able to pay me. She and her assistant have discussed this and looked over the budget to try to find some money for me. But it's not possible right now.  I told her I understand. I do. At least half of my coworkers are Honduran volunteers. I felt strange even asking for money. It was nice to know they were already thinking of me before I asked. Maybe in the future...

Hoping for a Christmas Miracle

As an end of the year event, the four communities we serve were broken into three groups. Each group got to go on an outing as their final activity of the year. They also got a chance to meet new kids from another community.

We spent the morning at a local museum and the afternoon in a park where we played organized games and the kids performed in their own talent show. Here are some photos and a special story:

Meeting Santa

The children's museum had a special Christmas exhibit just inside the entrance. I was eyeing it all week. It looked gorgeous from the outside, but it cost the equivalent of $2.50 to enter. With 350 kids, that was out of our budget.

However, on the last day we were suddenly whisked upstairs and ushered inside "Santa's Villa". It was even more beautiful than I imagined. There was a manger scene with tremendous detail just inside the doors. Then we entered Santa's house.

The museum staff quickly separated the tiniest kids from the group and before they knew what happened they were seated in front of a huge television. Santa and Mrs. Claus came and sat down behind them. The screen was showing The Grinch, but there was no sound.

Notice, one boy can't take his eyes off Santa...

All of the kids kept wanting to turn around and see Santa and Mrs. Claus, but they were told sternly to watch the movie and not turn around. I felt bad for them. None of us really understood what was going on.

Then a man started filming them. My coworker and I were very uncomfortable. We called my boss. Turned out they are going to be on a commercial for the museum and the men had permission to film. But all the kids knew at that point was that they had to stare at that dumb tv screen without moving.

Just as suddenly they were taken out of Santa's house and asked to sit down at a table outside. They were given a piece of paper and told they had five minutes to write a letter to Santa. It was so rushed. I helped a few, but one boy didn't get to finish. He was busy decorating the borders of the page and hadn't written anything when the five minutes was up.

As the rest of the kids lined up to put their letters into Santa's mailbox I could see the panic in his eyes. They shuffled him into line and told him to fold his letter in half. He tried to tell them it was empty, but nobody listened. They made him fold the paper and stick it into the mail slot.

He turned around and looked at me. I could see he was close to tears. I assured him that words didn't matter. Santa knows every little boy and girl. (I was also very surprised because I haven't met any Honduran kids who really know about or believe in Santa Claus.)

He wouldn't move. An elf came along and lined everyone up but this little boy was frozen in place. The man who had been filming walked by. He stopped and told the boy to get in line. The boy explained his card to Santa was empty. The man said, "You didn't write anything, but you drew a picture for Santa, right?"

"No," the little boy explained. "I only colored the decorations!" He was so distraught.

I noticed we were waiting on the older kids who were still inside Santa's house so I asked if we could go back inside. The elf said no, the kids were already lined up to leave.

I explained they hadn't even had a chance to look around, they were just whisked in, filmed, and then taken out. They hadn't seen anything but the tv! The elf stood firm.

Normally I would never get the kids involved, but this called for desperate measures, so I asked the kids, "If we are allowed to go inside of Santa's house, will you all leave as soon as it is time to go?"

They all said "YES!" so I pushed through the door and told them to follow me. (Really this is not my normal personality!) The elf led them in and showed them Santa's kitchen and Santa's bedroom and Santa's reindeer. Finally, there was Santa himself.

Santa's Bedroom

Santa's Living Room

Santa's Kitchen

Santa's Sleigh

Santa and the little boy

The little boy ran up to Santa. At first Santa didn't see him, so he reached up and yanked on Santa's belt. I got a photo of that.

He told Santa he hadn't finished his letter, but he would really like a ball for Christmas. My heart broke. Gifts aren't big in Honduras, even among wealthier folks. He didn't ask for anything extravagant. He asked for a ball. But judging from his appearance, even a ball is out of his family's reach.

On the way home that evening the little boy was still on my mind. The assistant director of Impacto Juvenil happened to be sitting next to me in the car. I told her the story. She asked if I have a photo of the boy. I told her I do. She said if I send her a photo of the boy she will find out which community he lives in and she will help me make sure he gets a ball for Christmas.

My heart stopped aching. I told her he will be the only boy in his neighborhood who believes in Santa. We both laughed.

Enjoying Santa's Sleigh

This silly girl play police officer

I can't believe this guy turned 10 years old today!

Climbing the molecule

Traditional Honduran clothes

Teaching kids who don't have flushing toilets or running water
about water conservation...

Some of you may recognize some of these faces

Video Games

This was supposed to be a six day work week for me. But this morning the woman I work with called to say that a medical brigade took over the site where my new club in my new community meets so our club was cancelled this week. I was disappointed. I was really looking forward to meeting the kids in my new club for the first time!

Monday I was surprised at work with a birthday cake! I've never seen them get a cake for another coworker so it was a total surprise and made me feel super special.

Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday the kids we serve were divided into groups and everyone had a day at the museum and the park. Friday was my favorite because I got to see kids from Los Pinos I haven't seen in awhile. They have gotten so big!!!

Wednesday afternoon I went up to tell my literacy class that they can continue at the class which is offered nearby, but that I cannot give the class any more. I was dreading it, but I needed closure and I knew they would be wondering what my boss decided.

I talked to two students. One has finished most of her book. She is 60 years old and doesn't leave the house except to wash clothes and haul water from the creek on the other side of the mountain. She is always babysitting the neighborhood kids.

After seeing how little she has left to do, I agreed to come back up and meet alone with her twice more. My coworkers have two more sessions of Familia Fuerte so they will be climbing up there for the next two weeks. We are going to do all we can do to see if she can graduate in two weeks. If not, she understands that I don't have transportation or a safe way to get up and down the mountain once my coworkers finish their last session. She said she feels good now because she knows how to write her name. In reality she knows how to read too, but she is not confident in her own abilities.

This morning I woke up early to edit photos. It's much harder to edit photos of the kids from Los Pinos than it is for the other kids. It's a good thing I wasn't in charge of photos on Wednesday's outing because that was the day Lorenzo and Tania and Karla's club went. I knew a lot of those kids. It is impossible for me to take impartial photos of the rest of the kids. All I wanted to do is spend my day with the Los Pinos kids.

I had the best surprise when I finished work yesterday! Just as I was leaving the office my friend called to say they were about to sit down to Thanksgiving dinner, but they were waiting for me to come. She had talked about saving me leftovers and eating earlier, but apparently her kids decided they really wanted to wait for me.

Her son (not biological or adopted, but she has cared for him for the last three years) gave me a birthday/Christmas card that was so sweet! It said I love you all over it with lots of little drawings. The first little card even opens up to a beautiful message. ♥

So, I ended up getting to celebrate a belated Thanksgiving with turkey and trimmings and even a plate to take home. That was nice.

Thursday I did home visits. That's my favorite part of this job. I love seeing the kids in their home environment and meeting their families. It helps me understand them so much more.

One boy had a dramatic change in his behavior. He is an intelligent, studious, respectful boy. But over the past month he started disappearing for days at a time and is argumentative with his mother when he does come home

While we were at his house his mentor asked if he has gotten involved in "ugly things". The boy was quick to look his mentor in the eye and say no. I was surprised. It seemed like the boy was telling the truth. But then why would he disappear for a week at a time and suddenly be so nasty to his mother?

After digging a little we discovered that he is going to a guy named Carlos' house to play video games. And not just any video games, but World of Warcraft. His mother and his mentor were worried that it was full of blood and guts.

I know a little bit about WOW because when I worked in wilderness therapy people were paying thousands of dollars/month to send their kids to be treated for addiction to this game. It is like a drug and it was always kids like this boy who got sucked in. It's not about blood and guts, it's about strategy. They would play for literally days at a time without eating or sleeping. That is what this boy is doing. His mom said he comes home and sleeps for a long time. He has lost a lot of weight. She kept checking to see if he was high, and it seemed like he had some of the signs. But it was actually video games.

Part of me was really relieved. There are so many horrible things that go on in that neighborhood, video games seemed almost funny. But addiction is never funny. Especially not when it's causing a smart kid to flunk out of school.

We talked about having a healthy balance in your life and putting limits on the time he plays. Right now he is not capable of that. His mom is thinking of how she can sell enough tortillas to buy him a computer so he will stay at home. I think that's a bad idea. He is demonstrating too many obsessive behaviors. If he has a computer in his house, she will never talk to him again. He will play that darn game day and night. He went from being a straight A student to failing three classes this semester. Buying him a computer would be like buying him drugs. But I do understand her desire to keep him at home.

The most troubling fact is that he is going to the home of a 35 year old man to play this game. The mentor is going to find out more about this man. I am afraid the man lured this boy into his home and got him addicted to the game with bad intentions. Why would a 35 year old man want a 16 year old kid hanging around his house for days? The boy swears that the man is not doing anything bad, but something doesn't feel right to me there. I hope I'm wrong.

Anyway, all in all it was a good week. Topped with a surprise Thanksgiving and a surprise day of rest.

Laura's Birthday Party

Laura's birthday was a big success. She had a great time and so did her guests. Fany went nuts with the decorations. Many of her family members sent money and others sent chairs, flowers, even a tent. The party turned out to be extravagant. Especially since the original plan was to just have a homemade cake. I am starting to see a pattern now. Small plans turn into big events with Fany at the helm.

The adults ate Fany's famous tacos. Kids had pizza from Little Caesars. Then we played musical chairs. Most of the kids had never played before. One child who has played before started out by saying that the person who doesn't have a chair when the music stops is a loser. Laura said, "It doesn't matter if you win or lose. What matters is that you participate." That had to come straight from her teacher's mouth. It was funny. In the end, the child who didn't get a chair in the first round walked away crying because she lost. But the rest had fun. I remember that was a stressful game to me as a kid. I didn't necessarily enjoy it.

Pin the nose on the clown was much more relaxed. Last year we had parents who kept coaching their kids, trying to get their child to win. But this year the parents stayed out of it and Laura also made a rule that you had to put the nose where your hand first landed - you couldn't feel around. So the game went well.

Then we had a piñata. It was a big purse, which was unique and cute. I am not a fan of piñatas. The combination of a kid swinging a bat while others are diving for candy makes me anxious. But every birthday party has to have a piñata. No injuries were sustained and the kids had a good time.

Then they all changed into princess dresses and came outside to dance. One of the mothers got really uncomfortable. She told her daughter not to dance and told Fany that Fany will have to go to church tomorrow and put herself right with God for allowing the kids to dance.

But the same mother happens to be the sister-in-law of Laura's teacher. Laura's teacher stood up, turned on her phone, and played the music for a choreographed dance she had taught the kids at school. It was super cute and it was a Christian song - although I don't know if anyone else was aware of that because the words were all in English.

The daughter danced and they all had a good time. I don't know if they are repenting in church today. I'm not a big dancer, but I'm glad my church does not discourage dancing. In fact they all dance more than I do at church. I like seeing that side of some of my friends who are normally very serious and restrained.

We cut the cake but nobody ate it. It wasn't very good. There were plates full of cake left on every table. The pieces were small but people only ate a few bites, said how amazing it was, and left the rest. I hope Fany chooses a different option next year. Even Laura, who is literally obsessed with cake, didn't eat her cake.

It drives me nuts that people always want a cake from Pricesmart (Costco). Cakes from Pricesmart a like a status symbol. People think they are good because Pricesmart sells North American products. They think the same way about Walmart. Walmart here has really crappy quality stuff for double the price that you would pay in a Honduran store. But people flock to Walmart because it's a North American chain.

Laura forgot all about her presents until after the guests left. Fany called me over so she could have someone around as she opened them. She got a little cart with cooking utensils, a doll, a pretty shirt, earrings, and a dress. She was grateful for the gifts and hugged the cooking cart that her best friend from school gave her.

Last night as Fany and I took down all of the decorations it was so cold I had on a winter coat, hat and scarf. Today the sun is out, but the wind is still cold. Jetty's asthma is acting up.

Here is a photo of me receiving my certificate from the masters level psychology class I completed last week. The lady on the right was the teacher. She was super cool. She is a psychologist who works with kids in jail but she also does a lot of stuff for the government. She has to use false names and her own kids had to move out of her house for safety. When she is in Honduras she is able to relax, but when she is in her own country (Argentina) she travels with bodyguards all of the time.

Did you know in Argentina you work for six years and every seventh year you get a full year off? If you work in a high stress job like this woman does, you can take up to two years off. Many people use this for family planning.

She said that she is not good at taking a year off. She has never taken the complete year before. But in 2017 she said she is going to do NOTHING. She is going to sleep until noon and read books all day. After getting to know her I wonder how long that will last. I'm guessing a week.

Psychology in Spanish

Finished 128 hours of masters level psychology in Spanish today. I think that's a pretty cool accomplishment. My brain only started to turn to mush today, which is great progress. In previous sessions I was exhausted by the end of each day. This time I made it until Friday before my brain was fried.

Everyone around me had a cold. They were coughing and sniffing all over. It was torture. Only ONE person in the whole class covered their mouth when they coughed. I must say she did try to educate the others about how germs are spread. But they didn't listen. They say they are "allergic" to the air conditioning in the classroom. They refuse to acknowledge that they are infecting everyone around them.

A girl opened a bag of candies and set them in the middle of the table. All of the sick people stuck their hands inside the bag and took a candy. Then they offered the bag to me. I, not so gracefully, declined. I'm not sure if I have become a mean person or a germaphobe. Maybe both. All of those people coughing all over me really stressed me out. They will all come to work on Monday talking about how they took antibiotics over the weekend, because that is what you do in Honduras.

Got a huge certificate for completing the class. Might have it framed.

Got two super nice emails from special people in my life yesterday. They both read this blog. Thank you ladies!! I loved hearing from you!

Today is Laura's 5th birthday. Tomorrow is the birthday party.

She and Fany were still asleep when I left this morning so I set her gift outside the front door and messaged Fany later to tell them it was there. Laura was happy.

I'm glad I left the gift this morning. It was the only gift she got today. Laura is not materialistic at all, but she did comment to her cousin that I am the only person who got her a gift on her birthday.

I didn't buy anything. I had "Happy Birthday" pencils left over from literacy class, a box of 64 crayons and a pink pencil top eraser donated by my friend Kim S., a notebook, markers and blank paper left over from the Conduct Disorder class. Now I have more space on my shelves and Laura has new art supplies. Win-Win! I figure spending nothing for her birthday will increase my budget if I can find a reasonably priced bicycle for Christmas.

My eye is still twitching.

Check back for photos from Laura's party tomorrow.

Preparing for Laura's Birthday

The psychology class was... well... psychology. In Spanish. I noticed how much my Spanish improved since the first day of class a year ago. Last year I struggled to understand the teacher. I'd love to take Spanish classes and learn at a more accelerated rate, but at least I know I am still progressing.

The director of the private school where I used to teach the class for kids with Conduct Disorder was there. She was so happy to see me! She hugged me really tightly and seemed excited to introduce me to the social worker and psychologist from her school.

She wasn't pushy but really wants me to work with her kids again. I explained that I can't make that commitment until I have a reliable car. (Today the car started making another new noise. Laura asked if it were thunder. I am concerned that by the time I have enough money to buy a newer car, nobody will want to buy this car. It fails more every day.) The director said she is willing to pay my transportation costs. She said I am always welcome at her school. I never realized how much she loved what I did. She was really impressed by the final reports that I wrote for the parents. She said the parents are really grateful for my work.

I also got the chance to talk to my boss. I told her I came home from the visits on Thursday and wrote in my blog that I would like to focus on only one community. I explained that I love what I am doing, but I think I will be most effective serving in only one community. I told her how the teachers asked what I could do for their schools and people in the neighborhoods followed me asking for money. But the people of Los Pinos don't do that because they know me. They know who I am and what I do. My boss said, "Yes. Unfortunately many Hondurans see only dollar signs when they see North Americans. That is a hard stigma to overcome."

I told her I was amazed on Tuesday when she suddenly suggested that I serve in only one community. It was an answer to prayer. I expected to be praying until January or February. I didn't expect that prayer to be answered so quickly and easily!

I also thanked my boss for her patience. I thanked her for letting me start off slowly and take things at my own pace. When I first started serving this organization my self esteem was battered. I had huge walls up to protect myself. But she gave me time to heal and now I am ready to move full steam ahead.

My boss said I came to her as a hidden treasure. She is able to see that I am more valuable and more knowledgeable than many of my coworkers. (Somehow, when she said that it didn't sound as mean.) She also said that she appreciates my approach with people. She said I am gentle and humble. I don't come in like other North Americans, pushing my own ideas. She said I fit in very well with her team. Yay! That was quite a compliment! It's an honor to be part of her team.

When I got home tonight I realized I forgot to order Laura's birthday cake. Since I was already in front of the house when I thought about it, I decided to ask Laura and Fany if they would like to accompany me. Laura has been having a blast helping her mother plan her 5th birthday party. Plus I don't like to go out alone after dark.

Fany was preparing baleadas because she knew I would be tired when I got home. Within minutes I was sitting down to dinner. Fany can be so, so thoughtful.

After a delicious dinner we headed out. I discretely asked Fany if we could stop at Walmart. Laura loves Chutes and Ladders. It's her only board game. She has played it almost every day since I got it for her a year ago. I wanted to see if they had any board games that Laura might like for her birthday.

Experiencing Walmart with Laura was the best!!! She went crazy over all of the Christmas decorations. We spent 45 minutes just looking through all of the overpriced Christmas stuff. She laid down on the doormat. She hugged the enormous stuffed polar bears. She petted the life sized Santa Claus. (He was surprisingly soft.) She tried on every stocking hat and antler headband. She pressed every button to make things dance and sing and she danced along with them.

Fany is freaked out by how much Laura loves to dance. Fany and Santos are both shy. They don't know where Laura got her desire to dance and sing. They just watch her and laugh. It was awesome to experience Walmart with Laura.

She still can't figure out how to pedal a bike. I held her feet against the pedals with my hands and helped her push down, but she just couldn't get it. She kept trying to move the bike forward with her hips.

I have to admit, she is not the most physically coordinated kid. But I understand why. She only began to play with other kids this year, and that was only in the school environment. She's never had the opportunity to do all of the rough and tumble stuff that kids do with other kids. Fany, Santos and I were Laura's playmates until she started school. She's really still learning how to run.

I have to give Fany a lot of credit. Fany realized that she was constantly telling Laura to be careful. Fany's constant warnings hindered Laura's natural curiosity and development. Once Fany was aware of that she stopped. Laura has changed a lot as a result but her physical coordination is just starting to catch up to her age.

I would love to get Laura a bike so she can learn to ride. She has the perfect place to learn, at her Grandparent's house where she spends a lot of time. It's out in the country and all of the kids ride bikes there. But the cheapest bikes we found so far are $75. I am going to see if I can find a cheaper bike. That would make an awesome birthday/Christmas present.

After Walmart we went to Pricesmart (Costco). Thank God we went today and didn't wait until later in the week and thank God I had them with me because we learned the machine to make princess cakes is broken. If I had waited until the last minute we could have had an emergency on our hands.

We talked about the options. Laura thought it over and chose a simpler cake with flowers. She didn't complain once! We decided that the flower cake is appropriate for a princess themed party because princesses like flowers.

I told Laura several times how much I enjoy shopping with her. It was so much fun to see her excitement over the Christmas decorations! She never asked for a single thing. Not once. She said she would like a dollhouse but her Dad doesn't have enough money. That hurt my heart. But she already has a bigger and better dollhouse than the one she was looking at, so I got over that. She sang all of the way home.

God has outdone Himself

Today was, as we say in Spanish, "ESPECTACULAR!"

I started serving in my new position in the new neighborhood.

This morning everyone convened, as we do every Monday, for the weekly devotional. The devotional used to be in the biggest room of our office. Now that we have 150 people we can no longer cram everyone into one room. We had to move to a nearby church.

After the devotional we go back to the office and divide into our different programs. Then we start our week. My program has a masters level psychology class this week. Normally we spend a few hours talking about what we did the week before and planning for the week to come. But there is not much to plan for this week since we will be sitting in a classroom for the next four days.

My boss said she doesn't expect to pass the exam. I guess I shouldn't expect to pass either. This is the fourth and final part of the class. I understood everything so far. It was a review of what I studied many years ago in psychology classes in college. The only twist is that it's all in Spanish. A lady comes from Argentina to teach the class. Until now we only had to turn in group projects so I was passing. I might not do so well on a written exam in Spanish.

I am going through a time of reflection. As I reflect I am astounded by the ways God blesses me.

One year ago in August I started this class. My boss invited me to attend. It was my first contact with the organization where I serve. When I think back to that week now it seems funny to me.

I sat alone the first day. I was in regular office attire, but the women around me seemed really dressed up. Little did I know they were actually dressed down for the class. They dress up even more if they are in the office.

The first day I kept to myself. The second day I started meeting people. Some of them have come to be good friends now. Some of my closest friends were there, but I don't remember them at all.

I remember feeling like such an outsider. I was the only non-Honduran except for the Argentinian teacher. What a contrast - this year I am surrounded by friends. I was asked to get there early to set up and host new guests that my boss invited from outside the organization - role reversal!

You know the feeling when you start a new job and you are really excited about it? That is how I felt today. I feel like I am starting all over again.

I have this crazy sense of excitement. At the same time I feel complete peace as I change my role within the organization. I know this peace can only come from God.

The more I talked to the leader of my new community, the more I know this is an answer to my prayer. It is exactly what I asked for when I wrote the post last week. God has outdone Himself. I am going to be completely focused on one community. Not only that, my main responsibility will be to serve out and about, within the community. It is everything I prayed for, and more!

I'll miss the kids I worked with all year. I'm sad about leaving the library behind. But God gave me the perfect person to take care of the books, so the kids will still have their library and it will be well managed.

In the past I might have felt anxious and overwhelmed by all of these changes, but today I only feel excited and eager to see what God will do in the days to come.

3rd Annual Women's Retreat

The Chikungunya is back almost full force. It started two weeks ago on Monday and has gotten progressively worse. First I noticed the skin on the bottoms of my feet hurt. Then the tingling feeling returned, as though my left leg had fallen asleep from the knee down. I have horrible pain in my right ankle, like someone is slowly screwing a thick metal screw into the ankle bone. My toes ached the first week but they are better now. My fingers ached from the middle joint down to the tips. That still comes and goes.

During the retreat I got really tired. I took naps, which is odd for me. I also became super thirsty for water which I remember as a symptom from June and July. My ankle swelled up like back in June. It's not a puffy, bloated kind of swelling. Instead it appears that the ankle bone itself has doubled in size. 

I've caught myself three times in the hunched shouldered slouch. Last time I associated that with depression and muscle deterioration. This time I don't know where it came from except "The name chikungunya derives from a word in the Kimakonde language, meaning "to become contorted", and describes the stooped appearance of sufferers with joint pain." - World Health Organization. I guess I am contorted again.

Since Wednesday the pain moved into my right elbow, a specific spot on my collar bone, and the back of my neck which hurts if I look to the right. If I sit down it the muscles behind my knees are painful to stand. The eye twitch came back on Thursday and is still twitching. The poor women at the retreat probably thought I was winking at them constantly. Also, I can't spell today. Chikungunya is all encompassing.

Yesterday it moved into my left ankle and left knee. I am finding something to be grateful for. I do not feel the stabbing, burning pain between my shoulder blades. THAT was the worst. But I don't have that. And so far I think my attention span is okay. I don't feel distracted like last time.

I am so sick of people telling me to eat baking soda sprinkled on an orange or get an "injection" (of what?), eat cleaner food (I try to do that anyway), exercise more, exercise less, don't shower at night, take certain vitamins... The list of useless advice is endless. I can't find any rhyme or reason to this disease. Doctors don't know how to treat it. I don't know anyone who has found relief in medication or any of these wacky treatments. Just pray for me, please.

The retreat was good. I met some new people I would like to get to know better. One lady lives really far and is about to leave Honduras, but she is really intelligent and I enjoyed talking with her. She was the type of person who doesn't waste time on small talk - like me. I can't stand small talk.

I also met a woman who reminded me of myself. I've never met another missionary who reminds me of myself. She is from Colorado and enjoys all of the outdoor stuff I love. Plus she had similar struggles when she was younger. She was super friendly. I am more reserved, so I missed out on the opportunity to get to know her until the last evening when I realized all we have in common. I hope I get to hang out with her in the future.

Two years ago I went to this women's retreat for the first time. That retreat completely changed my life. I had the opportunity to sit down with a Christian therapist. He asked if I was serving the way God called me to serve. I really wanted to say yes.  My response was, "Last week I was only allowed to make oatmeal one day." I was extremely unhappy and had been for a long time, but I didn't know what to do. That retreat gave me a safe place to talk to people who could see things from an outside perspective.

When the retreat was over a woman asked me for a ride home. Turned out she actually needed a ride to what is now my church! I wasn't looking for a church, but as soon as I walked in I felt at home there. God has funny ways of putting us exactly where He wants us to be.

As I look back over the past two years I see how much work God has done in me. He brought true joy back into my life and he restored my self esteem. That was no small task. He reminded me exactly who He created me to be and led me to a place where I can serve using the gifts He gave me. The only way I could be more blessed right now is if I could get rid of this darn Chikungunya. (Don't mean to complain - just being honest.)

4 a.m. Thoughts

I am lying in bed wondering how I will answer the questions that people are bound to ask me today.

This morning I have to do home visits.

I don't want to leave my house.

Moving on...

This afternoon I had a meeting with the woman who trained me to teach literacy class. I figured it was best to talk to my boss first and discuss the class's most recent developments. I couldn't leave my boss out of the loop.

My boss is a woman of action. Most of the time I appreciate that quality about her. But sometimes the same characteristic that I appreciate is the reason I hesitate to tell her things. I know she will take action. And sometimes I am not ready.

The meeting with the literacy class trainer put me in a time crunch so I decided to get it over with. I called my boss and asked for a meeting, but we ended up working everything out over the phone. In the same conversation she somehow ended up moving me to serve in a different community!

I tell you she is a woman of action. I'm still trying to remember exactly how it all happened. I remember that I was very relieved because she told me that we had to cancel the literacy class, but that the students could continue at a different location within their community if they choose. After that it all becomes a blur.

Remember last week I wrote about wanting to focus on one community? Well, that is exactly what she suggested! I didn't even have to ask. She said effective today I am now full time in one community.

I was surprised, but happy. I told her I think it will be very beneficial to me and to the people I serve. She agreed. She said she loves my work and wants to see me continue to flourish. She emphasized that I should not see this move as limiting, but rather as a chance to grow. (That's exactly what I wrote about here four days ago!)

I had to call my coworker and tell her that I will no longer be running the club with her. My coworker was not happy. She said she is going to talk to our boss because she needs my help. I know she can handle the club on her own, but I told her that if our boss changes her mind I will be happy to continue to work with her.

My boss said possibly I will run a club on my own. I told her the problems I am experiencing in the communities right now, with people thinking that I am there to give them things for free. I also said that I believe my Spanish skills are lacking. She said she will look into Spanish classes for me! She also understands completely what I mean about my skin tone affecting the way I am received in the community. She said for now I will have plenty of other ways I can use the gifts God blessed me with, so I shouldn't worry about running my own club.

Hooray!!!! This is exactly what I was hoping and praying for. God answered my prayer in only four days! My Heavenly Father spoils me.

Speaking of being spoiled, I received feedback from the lady who is in charge of the literacy program. She has been to the class and met the students. She knows our dynamic. She told me I did a very good job and thanked me for serving the people of this country. She could tell I was sad. I think she believed I was blaming myself for the class ending so abruptly. I was able to explain that I am sad for my students. I want the best for them. I want them to be successful.

Three times she told me, "Ignorance is suicide." She said she sees it all of the time. People have an opportunity to better themselves, but they don't due to their own ignorance.

She also told me that I may have coddled my students. She is right. In my attempt to love them and help them, I spoiled them. I tried to do too much of the work for them. I didn't let them struggle enough.

Basically, I did exactly what I always preach against in this blog.

I didn't give them material things, but I did disempower them. I passed by each of their doors and reminded them to come to class each week. They were never allowed the opportunity to show up (or fail to show up) on their own. When they said they didn't do their homework, I tried to be understanding. There should have been a consequence.

I'm not blaming myself for the class ending the way it did, but my students needed to learn about responsibility and commitment. I didn't fully allow them to experience those things. In my effort to be loving and caring, I robbed them of a learning experience. From this point on, it is my fault if I coddle people. Today I learned that just because I am not giving away material things, doesn't automatically mean I am treating people in the most healthy way.

On my way home from the meeting I had the opportunity to talk with some of the drivers and security guards. They all asked if I was going to class. Although they would never say so, I know they don't really like to drive up there. The road is so rutted from rain that it has ruined one four wheel drive truck. The rain washed out the sides of the road so much there is just barely enough room for a car to squeeze through. There is no space to pass if another car approaches from the opposite direction. It's a driver's nightmare. But they are all good sports about it.

Today I told them they will not have to drive me to class anymore. I asked if they were glad. Very seriously, they said no they are not glad.

Sometimes I talk their ears off, especially on the way home from class when I am excited about something that happened that day. They know about the struggles and all of our successes in the class. They said they know how much I loved that class and how much it was benefiting the people I served. Although the road is horrible, they are not happy that the class is cancelled.

We had a long talk about education and its importance. Then we had a long talk about God and how He calls us to serve. The security guards reminded me that God tells us to love our neighbor, but He also tells us not to spoil anyone. It was a nice opportunity to get to know the drivers and guards on a different level - outside of their cars when they are not focused on their work.

One undercover police officer came over and asked what was going on. He could tell something was up and asked if I were moving back to the United States. I tell you, that is what everyone assumes. Before I had a chance to answer they all spoke up, "No! She is not going anywhere!" said a security guard.

"She loves it here. She is almost Honduran," a driver joked.

Then one of the drivers said, "You've just got to dye your hair darker and (he motioned broadening his arms and shoulders) get a little more stout so you look Honduran," he joked.

I really love the organization where I serve, but today I appreciated it even more than usual. I love that my boss is a woman of action. She answered my prayers without even knowing it. I love that she made sure my students will have a place to continue their education if they choose. I also love that I will be able to focus on one community from now on. And I think that it's super cool that I can stand outside the office and talk to the drivers and security guards about God and how we should serve Him.

For the rest of this week I will be at a retreat for English speaking women in a beautiful spot outside of the city. It's all free! A team from the US comes down each year and pampers us for three days. Female missionaries from all over Honduras are given the opportunity for rest, renewal, and worship in our native language. It's super nice. This year I am most looking forward to getting out of the city for a little while, but in the past it has been a life changing experience.

The End

Yesterday afternoon I went to the literacy class. The coworker who normally accompanies me was in the hospital. Security can only accompany me part way so we planned for Luis, my helper, to pick me up at the car. Last week when I arrived nobody was there to meet me. Luis was sick and the rest of his family is not reliable. Although we had just spoken on the phone, nobody came.

Yesterday was the same. I called at noon to ask them to send someone to meet me. I called again to say I was on the way. Once again I got there and nobody was there.

The security guard and the driver were not pleased. They told me in the future I should not go without my coworker. They also asked me to speak to the head of security about a safer plan if my coworker could not be there.

After a third phone call finally my students sent someone to get me. He isn't a student, but he is someone I know and trust. He volunteers for Impacto Juvenil. For the first time, I was angry with my students.

On the way up the mountain we always toss a rock onto the tin roof of one student's house. The pebble on the roof is a secret code. She and her husband always pop out the door and follow me up the mountain for class.

Yesterday I stopped to find a pebble. When I tossed it onto the roof the boy who accompanied me said the couple was not home. I could tell he didn't want to say any more, so I didn't ask. He's not part of the class and shouldn't have to be involved.

As we continued up the mountain I thanked him for coming to pick me up. I asked if Luis was still sick. He said no. Luis and the couple who live in the house all left. They went to pick coffee for two months outside of the city. They will come home on Christmas Eve.

I was shocked. Two of my best students were gone. Graduation is only weeks away. After eight months of studying, they just packed up and left.

When I got to the top of the mountain I called out to another student. She lives on one of the peaks. It took a while for her to answer. All of her neighbors joined in yelling, "Your professor is here!" Finally she poked her head out. She yelled down that she was making tortillas. I asked her to please come when she finished. She said sure, she will come. She never came.

When I got to the class I asked them to take out their homework. Nobody had done their homework. In fact, one student said, "I never thought about the class this week."

I said, "This class is for you. It's your class. I thought about the class this week. I prepared the lesson. I thought about the things that each of you need and brought those things with me. That is all I can do. I am sad that you didn't think about the class this week."

I have been telling them every week that I can only present the information. I cannot put the information into their brains. They must study at home. They have to do their part. We talked about that again. I cannot do this for them.

One student started in with the usual excuses, "I can't study because I have to sweep and mop the floor."

I reached my limit. I put my hands over my ears and said, "I don't want to hear any more excuses. Everyone. EVERYONE has 15 minutes each day if this class is a priority to you. You make time for things that are important."

I listened as they talked about poverty. I listened as they talked about being raised in a time when schools didn't exist. I listened.

And then I told them I have given them every opportunity. They have everything they need. In fact I come each week asking if there is anything they lack. I come to their houses, knock on their doors each week and walk them to class. All they have to do is study and walk a few steps to the classroom. They all looked down at the table. I said if they want to break the cycle of poverty this is their chance! But they have to do their part.

I asked for a commitment - a promise that they would study for 15 minutes every day. That is so very little! We talked about the fact that we have been reviewing and reviewing and we can't advance because they are forgetting what they learn in class when they don't study at home. They all agreed. They can see they have stopped advancing.

The youngest student said that she would like to continue. She made a commitment to study. Two more said they could not commit, but would drop in on classes if they have time. The student who was making tortillas never came.

We had a good time of prayer. I told each of them that I love them and I am not judging or criticizing them. They hugged me and told me they know my love for them.

I asked the youngest student, the one who said she is willing to commit to the class, to please walk me to the car. We talked about the fact that part of the class is also getting me back and forth safely. They all understand the danger.

As we left the building I headed up the mountain. I turned to look behind me. Nobody was there. I was alone. Then I saw the youngest student ducking behind a wall in an effort to get back to her house unseen. She doesn't like to walk. Although she knows the danger, she was not committed enough to walk me to the car.

I called out to her and asked her to walk with me to the car. She objected. Her mother was ashamed and agreed to walk me to the car.

I felt disappointed and hurt.

Last night I looked back over the past several weeks. I realized this pattern has been building for a while. Three weeks ago the whole class forgot how to add 1+1. That was when I saw how little they are willing to invest outside of the classroom. We were working on adding double digits and they forgot basic math.

I've been patient. I've been understanding. I love them! I know they never had much structure in their lives. Attending class and studying is new to them. Maybe I babied them too much. Maybe I should have been stricter from the beginning. Who knows.

I couldn't just leave them hanging. But I can't help them. I can't help them if they are not going to study. I can't help them if they aren't willing to make sure I get to class safely.

They've worked for eight months. I really want to see them have the opportunity to graduate.

Last night I called my sick coworker and told her the whole story. Her response was simple. "They don't want to." 

Later, I was sitting in my room with all of the lights off, praying. Fany came to the window. She asked what was wrong. I repeated the story to her. She echoed my coworker's words. "They don't want to."

I called a fellow missionary. She advised me to call my boss.

This morning I called my boss. I asked for an appointment to speak to her. She said sure, then asked what was wrong so I ended up explaining it all over the phone.

Her answer was simple. She said this is a pilot project. She said I gave it my best shot and I did a good job. But if the students are not invested, there is nothing we can do. They have to do their part. She has been working with the literacy program for 16 years. This is something she has run into over and over as we try to capacitate adults in Honduras. Sometimes they are not willing to put in the work for what they want. She said it is time to stop.

My heart hurt.

I said I can't just leave them hanging so close to graduation. She told me there is a classroom really close to them where they can go and finish if they choose. It uses the same curriculum.

I have a meeting with the lady who runs that classroom in an hour. I will ask her if my students can transfer into her class, if they choose.

That plan gave me peace.

I can't go up the mountain alone and I can't rely on them to walk with me.

I can't do the work for them.

But I can give them the opportunity to graduate through this other location which is close and easy to get to. It's in their hands now.

There is a part two to this story, but I have to get ready for the meeting with the literacy teacher and I think this was a lot to digest.

It's finally sinking in and I am finally feeling peace about it. I wish it had ended differently. I wish I could share photos of each of the seven students receiving their diploma. But that is not the ending to this story. What I can say is the Doña Fransica learned she can sign her name. She also learned she is capable of learning. She can no longer say, "I know nothing."

The rest of the students all learned how to read and do basic math. They have the materials they need to continue their studies if they choose.

And, though you may think I'm foolish, the most important thing to me is that every one of my students know that I love them deeply in God's love. I want them to have the best life possible with all of the opportunities in the world. I appreciate and respect them. I hope this class brought them as much joy as it did for me.

Deeper focus

Some new things became clear to me over the past two days.

First, I should improve my Spanish. After a newer car, my next investment will be in Spanish classes. I can communicate effectively in all of the day to day things, but if I were more proficient I could communicate on deeper levels and serve in more profound ways. I have the experience and education, but am lacking in the ability to communicate as well as I would need to for the jobs I am qualified to perform.

Secondly, I really need to know and be known in the community where I am going to serve. I love being in several different communities, but I think I would be more effective if I focus on one place. 

Today strangers were coming up to me and asking for things. Yesterday one school director asked what I can give to their school. Unfortunately, this is the mindset of many people in Honduras. On Tuesday a teacher was frustrated. He said kids are being raised to believe they are not capable of becoming independent adults. They think they need someone else to step in and take care of themselves and their family. They grow up and don't bother to look for jobs because they expect a handout, he said.

At the campaign last week a boy came up to me, stuck out his hand, and said, "Give me money." People notice my lighter skin and hair (which I am coloring darker tomorrow for this reason) and think I am going to give them free things. This manner of thinking exists because many North Americans came before me and showed their love in material ways. It's well intentioned. I am positive of that. But it is hurting this country.

In order to combat this I figure it will take about two years of working within one community, amongst the people, so they can see who I am, what I do, and what I don't do. I am here, as my Pastora prophesied in 2009, to serve with my heart and with my words, but not in a materialistic way. Once the people I serve realize that, I will be able to serve them more effectively.

If I focus on only one community I will become more visible there. The people will get used to having me around. They will have the opportunity get to know me for me, not for the ideas that my skin color brings to mind.

I feel excited about this. In the beginning of each year we always have a lot of changes at work. It's perfect timing to explain my thoughts to my boss and see what she says. She is well aware of the problems my skin color brings so I think she will understand.

On a similar but separate note, today I asked my security guard if he thought I could drive myself to my club each week. He is a police officer. I trust his opinion. He said I should talk to his boss, which is the official response he should give.

When he and the driver came back to pick me up the two of them had obviously talked about it. The driver asked why I wanted to drive my own car. I told him sometimes I feel like a burden. It seemed safe enough, I'd only be stepping out of my car and going three steps into the building. He asked what happens if my car gets scratched and nobody is willing to say who did it? I didn't expect him to think about my car.

Then the security guard spoke up. He said you cannot go there in your own car. You have to go with security. I explained that sometimes I feel bad because none of my coworkers have security. I want to be like them. This morning my coworker traveled with security for the first time, only because she was with me. It was kind of a pain in the neck because we have to plan everything ahead and we have to time everything perfectly. We didn't get to visit two houses because we ran out of time and had to get back to the place where the car was coming to get us.

Both the driver and the security guard said that I should not feel like a burden to anyone. This is their job and they are here to serve. Then the security guard said that the places we serve are too dangerous. The fact that I look different than everyone else attracts attention. He said I absolutely must travel with security.

So, I guess I don't need to ask his boss. And I won't feel bad for asking for transportation. I am glad to know that they see it as necessary. Sometimes I worry they think I am lazy and I don't want to walk or take public transportation like the rest of my coworkers.

I am really blessed to work in a place that takes my personal safety so seriously. They have a lot of very important people to keep safe. Other people within my organization are fighting corruption in high places. They have their lives threatened on a daily basis. But the drivers and security still care about little old me.

Working on a needlepoint project for school

I loved seeing two boys busy with needlepoint!

I loved meeting this lady.
She was so proud of her tortillas!
She would like to sell other types of food because
she said everything she cooks turns out great!
Right now she is making tortillas because it is the best schedule for her, as a single mother, to care for her children.
She said she is capable of anything she puts her mind to. ♥

As a final note, a special friend asked me to share a prayer request. She says it better than I could:

"I would like to ask you to pray for our friend Mike.  He goes to our church, is only 41, has a wife and 5 young children.  He was having trouble swallowing and went to the doc.  Well, to make a long story short, his life changed in an instant when he was told that he has stage 4 cancer in his throat, lungs, and liver.  :( :(   It's absolutely devastating.  He is such an amazing man of God and is doing God's work throughout the community in many ways.  The doctor said it will take nothing less than a major miracle for him to survive this.  SO WE ARE ALL PRAYING FOR MIKE'S MIRACLE!  Please join us."

School visits

This morning I got the opportunity to do home visits with a coworker. Since this is the last week of school, we did not actually go to any homes. We visited the schools instead.

At the first school we learned that a family had been lying, saying their son was going to school. He wasn't. He dropped out three weeks ago. They finish classes this week. What a bummer. The teacher made a big point to look at me and say in other countries the parents could be punished by law, but in Honduras that law is not enforced. She clearly wished it was enforced here.

We talked to the director of the school about how we can work as a team to keep this from happening in the future and how we can work together to support the children. I was impressed by that director. She was very strict and on top of things. She asked for a list of every kid who will be on scholarships next year so that she can help ensure they maintain good grades to keep the scholarships.

Teacher after teacher talked about the fact that the kids are dropping out of school for of lack of financial resources. Either parents are sending the kids off to work and bring money into the house, or they don't have the money to send the kids to school. Even public schools here cost money which many families simply don't have. They are often told they have to pay for special materials and if they don't bring the materials they are not allowed to come to school that day. It's insane, but all of the schools do it.

In the second school no parents or other adults are allowed to enter. My coworker knew someone who snuck us in. The rule of "no adults" was implemented after a parent started a physical fight with a teacher during school hours inside the school. Now the teachers have to work on Saturdays in order to meet with parents. I believe it may also have to do with gangs. They were hanging out on the street outside that school.

In the third school the director was strange. She kept looking at me and addressing me. The strange part is that my coworker was conducting the meeting, so I had absolutely nothing to say. I avoided eye contact with her and focused on him, thinking she would get the point and look at him too, but she didn't. At the end he shook her hand and said goodbye. She took my hand to shake it and wouldn't let go! What a shame. She clearly thought that I held more power than my coworker, when in fact that is far from true. Just because he is Honduran and I am not, she treated the two of us totally differently - racism against her own people.

In the fourth school the teachers were great. They talked about a student who has changed considerably. He went from never taking notes in class and never turning in homework, to arriving on time each day with his homework prepared and ready to pay attention. We figured out that the change happened after he and his mother began Familia Fuerte! He is also in counseling with a psychologist from Impacto Juvenil. The teacher said he is "100% different" than he was before. I love news like that! The program is working!

Unfortunately we were also there to see a boy in her class who is not doing well at all. She asked if he could get therapy too. He has been offered therapy but never shows up for appointments.

We had lunch at my coworker's house. I asked ahead if I should bring lunch but he said no. His mom gave me the last of their meat and gave him the last of their beans. She filled our plates with spaghetti and rice and offered us a big plate of tortillas. I felt horrible eating the last of their food. I wasn't even hungry, but it is rude not to eat when offered food. (Even/ESPECIALLY when it's all they have.) I gave my meat to my coworker saying I couldn't possibly finish the whole plate. I had two apples in the car which I left for his niece and nephew who also live there.

Since we were on the streets all day, I didn't carry my phone. When I got to the club I noticed I had a missed call from Ana. She never calls me, so I called her back quickly and apologized for missing her call. She said she had a huge favor to ask. I couldn't imagine what it would be. She never asks me for favors.

Yesterday her blender died. In Honduras we use blenders for everything. I make refried beans, a basic staple, at least once/week with mine. She said she was "liquefying" chicken when hers died. She has a small job making snacks for all of the Impacto Juvenil meetings in Los Pinos, which means she is cooking for an extra 100+ people each week.

A month ago my blender died. For over a week I tried to get it to work, but the blades wouldn't spin. After I bought a new blender I tried the old one before throwing it away. It suddenly came back to life! Since you can't return things here, I ended up with an extra blender.

I immediately thought of Ana. Jired came over to help paint my house. He said his mom had a blender. I figured someone would need a blender at some point. Turned out Ana did need a blender. I was just two weeks early.

The kids continue to enjoy the library. For the first time a book came back looking like someone had rolled it up. We talked again about taking good care of the books. We played games and did puzzles that showed them all of the reproductive systems. We had a scavenger hunt where the kids had to find little pieces of paper that made up a list changes boy and girls go through in adolescence.

We read a story about a young girl who lived in a poor community. She had the opportunity to make money for her family. All she had to do was make a video tape. The story didn't go into any detail, but said she was abused. It talked about how her whole life changed. The kids sat in silence, listening attentively. Afterward they said they know that this could happen to any one of them if they are not careful.

We had a good game of soccer and then the rain came. First it was a drizzle. Then it poured really hard. The side streets were like waterfalls, coming off the mountain and feeding the main road that was now a rushing river. At some points the water was deep. The most dangerous thing about driving in heavy storms is the debris that comes down off the mountains. Big rocks can be carried down and hide under the deep water. Manhole covers also come off and leave a huge hole in the road. But I made it home safe!

I also saw the boy who was beaten in the head with the gun. I wrote about him recently. His head is covered in gauze, but he seemed okay.

Playing "Peel the Onion". (My coworker and I had to peel the kids apart.)